The First Day After The Vacay Post

After returning from vacation last night, staying up too late unpacking, unwinding and trying to wrap my head around re-entering routines and reality, I am now settling back and figuring out a decent pace with which to do so and can sit down and write.

Part of me assumed I'd have so many blog post ideas I'd have to figure out which one first, but really, my car ride into work left me feeling wobbly and tired. So here I am grasping at my bearings. 

This trip was a learning experience. I could say they all are, but not so much. I mean I've learned how to pack, I've learned how to stress less but the phases of childhood, adulthood and marriage, are all learning experiences anyway, so throw in a trip and it's like free tuition.

My daughter's practice of picky kid eating was brutal and because I had to plan so delicately for that, not only could I barely practice my mindful eating, but I really couldn't report if I over-ate at all. I had no mindset for it. And if I was hungry and there wasn't food, oh well. I know I drank too much Starbucks, but that is all. I barely snacked and when the opportunity for a real meal came up, I indulged because, hello, vacation.

I learned that being "tough," directive and correct about things doesn't make you any friends. I learned that in the right company you can have your needs met with no argument, but instead with open arms, understanding and gratitude. I learned that family is just family, no matter what.

I think this trip was a complete lesson in practicing what you preach, picking your battles and just taking what you can from what's in front of you. There was rain, sun, tears, smiles, and a lot of compromises. I actually had only one meltdown on vacation and then about an hour into being back home I lost it and screamed aloud in the kitchen.

Some of my favorite parts of our trip were at our most volatile moments in fact. On our flight north, my daughter was completely irate that I had mixed up the terminals and there was no Chik-Fil-A only PDQ and she lost it. I calmly salvaged everything and settled for a Lunch-able, a can of Pringles and Chocolate Milk for dinner. The following morning she ate her weight in sausage at the continental breakfast. She was upset and we were walking around the terminal looking for food. I was talking her down. I kept saying 'The getting there is the worst part and you're allowed to feel all the frustration but we can make it work."

I saw an older motherly-type smile compassionately at me even though my daughter was audibly hating me. When we boarded our flight I said "Okay, please be aware of other people and not to bonk into them and you may pick our seats." The same woman we passed was front and center on our flight, already boarded and she said kindly, "You're doing good mom," to me. That was a great moment for me. I liked kindness and support.

My daughter did well until we were awaiting the shuttle at the hotel. She just lost it and I let her sit on the luggage. There was a sweet flight attendant watching my daughter's meltdown, amused at the display and she said, "You know, I was with my 4 year old at Wal-Mart late one night, getting close to bed time. She was talking back and the cashier said, 'I don't know why kids think they can be bratty just when they're tired.' I about smacked that cashier like, 'She's 4! She's tired! And she's my kid! Kids gotta be kids!'" When I finally loaded her into the shuttle that woman said, "You're doing good mom! You got this!"

Those two moments were just the little pick me up I needed to get me through. There were times when my daughter was just straight mean to me, and miserable because of whatever reason. And I just had to get her to a calm space and rationalize. There were a few times I grabbed her arm in a public place and said "ENOUGH!" More often I just let it slide, why? Because she's a human kid completely out of her normal routine. I weighed the importance of "disciplining" her and just letting her be a bit of a kid, which seemingly only bothered my husband.

I think travelling is just stressful and hard, so making it any worse by being "at" each other doesn't serve much of a purpose in my opinion. I think my daughter did phenomenally well in retrospect but there were times when I wanted to lose it on her, for sure. What mom doesn't have those moments daily and especially in high stress situations.

I've become pretty rational with her lately. I've started saying "Okay here is your issue, here are the options, what choice are you making?" I've coddled her and done what I could to pacify in a few situations but I've also made her toughen up a bit.

Yesterday she was very itchy from some bug bites. We had plenty of cortizone cream. We changed shoes. We tried with and without socks. By the end of the day she was just completely done. She slept so hard on the plane and woke up enraged and ready to get home. When we were in the airport I saw some of the dirty looks from people thinking I was this mom letting her child be "neglected" or "whiny." She wasn't bleeding, she was uncomfortable, it happens. Then I had a guy on the escalator smile after my daughter let out a huge whiny exclaim and he said, "We all feel the way she does, we just aren't letting it out like her!"

At the baggage claim another mom said, "I've had those days. I have a 7 year old and 4 year old. Their dad has been with them all of 4 hours and cannot wait for me to get home. You're doing good." Then an older gentlemen said "They grow up to be better," showed me a picture of his redheaded granddaughter and proudly reported her starting college. Even our ride home was okay with her yelling at me the whole way home. 

Yelling at her about any of it, wouldn't have solved the situation and the same went for the entire trip. My biggest meltdown was mostly quiet and born out of the feeling that no one was grateful for where we were, where we had been and what we were able to see. I felt like up to that point I had compromised my ass off, was being "told how things would go," and I just wasn't having it. 

My meltdown at home was born out of a lot of the same things but for different reasons. I didn't have expectations that my home would be pristine and waiting for me, but I hadn't anticipated or felt it deserved to have extra work in my way of settling back in. The first day back after vacation is always rough because you've had all this time away adventuring and then you're slammed back into routines and schedules, I always just hope that there are things in place to lessen the blow of the transition, rather than amplify. Then again, to practice what I preach boy did I have my low expectations train arrive at a grinding halt at the station!

This trip showed me infinite gratefulness. I felt so well taken care of by the people I love the most. I felt like we were appreciated for taking the time to be around everyone and in more ways than one. I felt so lucky and blessed to have been a part of everything. I felt calm, loved and at ease which I can honestly say hasn't always been the case on trips of the past.

I opened my eyes to a lot through this experience, especially in reference to my daughter and husband. I'm a little tired. I'm a little stressed to get back into things, but I know I'll be okay and things will even out after some time re-adjusting. For now, send coffee and hugs and I'll be getting back on the blogging track as well. Happy Monday!

Last Minute Planning Is Now Part Of The Transitional Stages

I'm a self-proclaimed and well known planner. I like to put things on calendars, even months in advance. But with how insane my husband's schedule has been, how little my mom has been able to help, a babysitter who is increasing unavailable, and my desperateness for time away from the norm, I've recently become the master of last minute planning.

You often just have to take things one day at a time, but lately I've been able to plan things with a day's notice or even just a few hours, with much more ease than previous times. I don't think I can blame this one on my growth, but rather a product of circumstance. 

I think right now I'm so aware that things could change on a dime that I'm able to just as well plan on a dime. But I thought about everything going on the past few months, I really took some time to reflect and realized that I'm in such a different place now.

I lost touch with someone who has been there through some of the most chaotic points of my past 3 years, and whom I looked up to. In that acceptance, I've realized it's because my current chaos is new. It's not manic chaos. It's transitional chaos, if you will. And I got this!

Years ago my chaos was seriously harming me. It was impeding many aspects of my life and definitely my mental health, but now I feel like all of my chaos is negotiable. The job change for my husband was not on our current planning scheme, but you really can't plan for life much these days, as things just keep rolling with or without you, so I just sucked it up and figured out how to be supportive.

When boot camp ended it hurt my world, but I did my research and found another outlet. And I love my new gym! It's a welcome challenge that I love and embrace and something I've wanted to get into for such a long time. If I had to lose boot camp, I'm glad I have 9Rounds. 

So since March I've lost boot camp, lost touch with a friend I got used to having around more often, worked hard on myself and my close personal relationships, and watched my husband get promoted to a newer, more responsible job position, immediately yanking him away from normal aspects of family routines.

The job transition has been rough, but I've tried to just take it as it comes. Some days I get irrationally pissed. Other days I feel like I have it all together. I know in the long run, and when things get settled, it will all be for the best.

So going from planning a month in advance with a sitter locked in, to having to wait until the day before or day of, or having to say "Right now it looks like I can make it work, but it could change," has been a hurdle in the transition for me, for sure, but one that I feel okay about. 

It's kept me relatively honest about stuff. With my depression and anxiety I have a hard time communicating with people when it comes to asking them to work with me on what I need to best make social interactions work well. Now I've had to be like, "Look I have every intention of trying to attend but with the hubby's schedule it could not work out that way at all." Or just say "I can come, with or without child, no promises on the whole Chriss fam."

I can see how that may come across flaky and annoying; undependable. But right now it is the reality I'm in. Knowing that it may be perceived that way has been helpful too.

Transitions are rough for me. I think in a sense they are rough for everyone, some just hide it better, but I can have some serious problems with transitions. The last few months have made me work on that, and face it all, ready to defeat it. I'm a work in progress what can I say.

For this Sunday we have taken things as they have come. I have planned a little here and there but nothing too crazy. I'm happy to have some down time but mostly I feel grateful, and really that's what it's all about.

Supportive Spousal Responsibilities Suck...Sometimes

One of the things I discovered early on in marriage is that being a supportive spouse goes a long way, especially when you might disagree with a choice but it's what your significant other wants, so you push to make it happen. This has been a huge struggle for me during motherhood.

When it's just you and your man, you can be all in, ride or die. When you have a kiddo to consider, things can get complicated; fast. I've felt cornered a lot in the last 5 years because some of those spousal support moments have come with doubt, anger and feelings of not having a choice but to sigh and say, "Okay babe." There have been times I KNEW, with every fiber of my being, it was a bad, inconvenient, and unfair choice, but I just let him go forward because he wanted it. And to me, marriage is just supporting each other, unconditionally.

I also have refrained from the "Told ya so," moments. Trust me, I've wanted to scream it from the roof tops, but I'm a firm believer in all things are a learning experience so, I try to keep my negativity curbed as much as possible. I'm currently in a moment where, I don't believe current circumstances to be a bad choice, I just realize that it's not an easy one, if you will.

My husband is Mr. Hospitality. I mean this as he has worked his entire career in the Restaurant industry from the delivery guy to the dish pit to upper management. After all kinds of unnecessary drama, today is the day he will be prompted to step into the realm of head chef at a local and well known French Bistro. 

On the one hand, I'm ridiculously proud of him. I get really angry sometimes, and sad that some parts of our extended family don't appreciate how hard he worked and how much talent he has. He legitimately is self taught or found amazing mentors. but has been the driving force behind many restaurant successes. He has often been mistreated in the wake of those restaurants thriving, in my defensive, wifely and biased opinion. I'm not getting that vibe this time in this situation, but from personal experience I know this can be a nasty business. 

I will admit that this was literally not part of the current plan, not even remotely, and throws us a wrench. But, as a famous movie said, "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!" 

I had literally every emotion all at once yesterday and had to get myself together. All the plans I was hinging on, even for today, were completely derailed. I did what I do best, and started cleaning things, the things I was told to leave for my husband today, on his day off, which he is now working on. Then I had to talk to the kiddo.

My husband and I have no talent at communicating at opportune moments. We blurt things at each other instead of have some calm, round table discussion. In the midst of mentally armoring ourselves the for the battle before us, our daughter picked up on some of the emotions flying about. She pulled me aside and said, "Mom, why are you and dad being so weird? Daddy was kinda rude to me and you guys are acting weird."

I leveled with her and said, "Daddy is just going through some job stuff. It's good stuff but plans are going to change and it's a little stressful. But I'm here. So you have me and that's all you need to worry about." She then proceeded to do a bunch of chores, unprompted, last night including straightening up the living room, hanging up blankets, putting toys away, and making the house smell nice. She's the best and I will brag about her to the point of being annoying.

We're in for a rough run; I'm being completely honest with myself about that. Hubby will be working extra and doing an overhaul in the wake of everything and I just have to kick butt at home and keep going to work and grabbing the little one at the end of the day. I can't make plans because I have no idea when he will be around and don't want to miss any family time opportunities. They could be few and far between for a minimum of 5 weeks, if not more. 

We've been working pretty hard on being better communicators as significant others. We've been generally kinder towards each other and our biggest fear that comes with this huge accomplishment for him is just worrying about the weight of what it will do to our progress. It's delicate right now, and we're freshly feeling better about each other so we don't want to mess anything up. I think that's the most accurate way I can describe it. 

This also isn't my first rodeo. I've been here many times in our marriage. Hospitality industry job transitions are super clunky and stressful. It's just part of that career. For me, it never gets easier, I just learn how to adjust my expectations and be more realistic about what is in front of me. Call it growth but right now, all I can do is support whatever he needs. If that means, not asking him to take on extra chores or to put away laundry, that's okay.

I told him that, yes, this isn't ideal for timing. This isn't a long term goal met earlier to great surprise. This is a new challenge and a whole new thing for us all. He will do well. He will thrive because this is what he does best, but that's not to say that some days won't be much better than others.

There was a part of me that wanted to play, "Oh woe is me," but that's not productive. I had my pouty moment, and decided to just embrace the good aspects of all of this instead. This learning experience will bring great wisdom and new horizons for him for sure. Sometimes the path to where you should be gets detoured and needs alternate, newer routes. This doesn't mean you won't get to the destination eventually. I can try and be a little more ride or die like the old days and a little less skeptical like the anxious Alison he knows and (hopefully) loves. 

My plan of attack is to just keep everything awesome on the home front and mom like a boss. I'll self care if I can and try to wife it up well enough also to keep him plugging along. It's hard to explain to people how it all works and the effects it can have when your schedule and sense of normalcy gets turned upside down. In most ways this is a positive and exciting thing filled with celebratory moments, but it is a challenge and new set of responsibilities to balance in work and at home for the entire family.

Just because it will be difficult doesn't mean it's not worth it, so I'm going to take it one day at a time and probably overflow my blog with all the ramifications. For this Monday I'm staying positive and counting the blessings. We'll see what happens a week into the newness. Here we go!

Last Year At This Time...What A Transition

I fight with Facebook a lot. Some days it is trigger city and other days I can appreciate it. I've taken it, and messenger completely off my phone all for the better. As I've said before, I much prefer Instagram, as I think Instagram is a more positive environment for someone like me, but this morning Facebook for "On This Day," brought up selfie from a year ago. Creepily enough I'm wearing the exact same shirt but now I have much longer hair. I'm also not nearly as tired looking. This is the comparison shot:

                             This day, 2018                    Today, 2019


I spent some time last week discussing comparisons of some then and now. What my marriage was then, versus now. Behavior then, versus now. We were spanning all different kinds of time frames and I said that comparing like that could be okay, even helpful in some arenas, but was also huge trigger territory.

That picture was taken just before the beginning of the worst being turned into something good, but something I could have never foreseen. In March of 2018, I tried to stand up for myself and take some of my life back. I knew I had lost my way and decided it was time to be a better mother, better person, and better household pillar, to say the least.

I was stopped dead in my tracks with every indication of "No," without being told the actual words "no." My efforts were detoured completely and I felt defeated and inferior. 

I had planned to do two hours of boot camp each morning to get back into shape when my husband decided to take a second job. As finances will always cause us friction, his reasoning was, "we always need more money, you're always saying we can't afford stuff." It was not an unfair point, but I was reluctant. I sucked up all my opposition and upset, all of my judgments about the decision and negative feelings and said "okay."

It was the worst month and a half we've had in a long time, and one that completely broke me down to the point of making unfair choices and decisions, and of taking a stand for my daughter, and for myself. 

In that month I watched my husband struggle and spiral out of control. Suddenly the new job meant he needed a car. Suddenly his friend had a car for him to procure at a fair price, which wasn't worth any form of "waiting" or negotiation. It was "take the car to my mechanic, get the okay" and drive away with new wheels into the sunset. We had successfully car-shared for 9 years and couldn't afford two vehicles, but this wasn't up for discussion in all this. For me, it was the cart before the horse and I was internally screaming and physically sobbing through the stress.

The car, to me, was the catalyst. Once the taste of freedom came, it was too good to be true and I watched as it snowballed. His second job was from 6AM to 12PM then he'd work from 1PM to midnight or later. This was all some seemingly weird power play to prove his worth at his current job, but to threaten that he could leave at any time.

Because he had to work at 5AM I was stripped of my Boot Camp routines, which crushed me. I'd been taken away from having any time to work out. My trainer knew how much I needed Boot Camp and let me come in from 4:45AM to 5:15AM before anyone else really arrived to complete the daily workout. It was brutal. And I missed normalcy. I did everything alone from getting my daughter fed and ready, making lunches, dropping her off and then some. It was difficult, lonely and had levels of unfriendly feelings coming at me regularly. 

I think I cried at least once a day. When he got the car I had to hide my meltdown. It wasn't that he wasn't "allowed" to have one. It was that we couldn't afford it, even with a second job. And not being able to have that rational conversation was upsetting to me. 

I remember taking that selfie and feeling so tired and broken and just thinking, "Okay so this is just my life now. This is what's in front of me." True to form I cried in private and hid everything away. My mom was helping us with transportation before the new-to-him car appeared and was also complaining and frustrated with everything, taking it out on me. 

I hit my final wall at 3AM on a dark night with my little girl right next to me telling me it would all be okay. I'd hit the point of "shit or get off the pot," for lack of a better phrase. I stood up, firm and wasn't about to hear "no" this time. I put my foot down and finally had my say. 

The second job faded as soon as he got a salaried position at his current job, the means to an end I guess. It was then that I took my life back. In May, I set up new childcare for the summer, which would involve hubby taking my daughter every morning, and he'd never taken her to school or childcare before.
I then commissioned my mom to do two evenings a week allowing me to hit the new gym I'd signed up for, in addition to my boot camp being back in full swing.

I look at that picture of me being a tired, mom and soldier and I feel so bad for 2018 Alison. Man, you went through some shit, and mostly alone. My soul looks beaten to hell in that selfie, but my head was still held high and the ferocity was waning. Damn did I prevail, though.

It was honestly more than just that month, it was so many years coming to fruition in the culmination of one, really horrible month. It was all very well dressed in "okayness." It was the epitome of my life as I knew it and I just had that Queen Daenerys Targaryen moment of "I'm going to break the wheel." If I could have used my dragons to set things on fire, I would have. It was time for the "new world."

What's even better is this "new world," and new cycle with a broken wheel rather than a stopped one, is still so new. It often feels new and fragile. But you look at that picture of last year versus this year and not just the hair has changed. Okay, yes I also got glasses, but there is a part of me that can't help see the transition within me. Like, look at the ferocity coming back and that air of resilience; everything I've been writing about!

I've been feeling mentally heavy and exhausted lately but it pales in comparison to last year. What an amazing reminder! Think of what I've overcome and look at the growth outside of the hair length! It's kind of impressive! I'm not saying this to brag or gloat, I'm just saying that we often don't realize it until we see a selfie like that. It's hard to see such change until these things happen to fall onto our "timeline," or "timehop" or whatever.

Since Friday I've struggled with staying grateful and just how wobbly I've felt with general life goings on. That selfie coming up, is just such a gift. It showed me that I am in fact progressing as a work in progress and that while I've felt so impotent in my ability to speed things up and keep pushing, I'm working at it better than I think I am.

A year really can do a lot for a person. You see those quotes and pin them and post them but no, LOOK, just look at that picture again. A year can do more than you can ever imagine. I'm not even about to say "things are just so much better now." We are far off from blanket statements like that, but I can say that the growth and transition is palpable, and I'm so glad I saw it in the flesh more accurately. 

For those of you feeling stuck or like you haven't accomplished what you thought you should, comb through some pictures and it may help you see the transition. It's not all cupcakes and rainbows. I'm not healed, cured or "everything is perfect now," but I'm much better off. Sure I'm still as sassy as ever but I really think the then and now says it all.