Missed Posts, Big Little Lies Binge, Back To Me

Yesterday I missed a post and for no other reason than I felt like crap. Detoxing off the evil meds has been better but still taxing and yesterday kicked my butt. So here I am on a Saturday, writing it out and sharing all the things.

I totally just needed to sleep it all off yesterday. I slept like crap Thursday night and just needed to go ahead and sleep it all off. I was lucky enough to leave work early and rest and reboot and party with friends last night. I finally just accepted things. I have no one to impress. I'm not trying to win some beauty pageant so as long as I'm healthy, what else is there? I work out 5 or 6 days a week at 30 minutes a pop, and I don't eat a bunch of junk. If that doesn't work then maybe I'll just stay where I am. I'm still at a lesser weight than I was when I started.

Tomorrow is the Big Little Lies season 2 premiere and season one was a huge thing for me. Not only does it keep all my favorite actors in one series, but the stories of marriage, relationships and parenthood hit home hardcore. And after my disappointment with Game of Thrones, I need something great in my life.

Silly things today have made me feel like I'm back to me. Snuggling, quiet cups of coffee, doggie cuddles, fresh sheets, piles of laundry to handle, homemade salads for dinner, big bowls of popcorn, my daughter watching her shows and movies and being calm, and the rain. We needed the rain and I love the rain.

In a disappointing exchange with the nurse practitioner at my doctor's office, all of the side effects I experienced she "had never heard of that happening." Thanks for the vote of confidence. Well, they did and for now, we're going to stay unmedicated, and happy I might add. I didn't realize how not uncomfortable I was, until that nasty medicine took it's toll on my body.

I'm sorry I missed a post but get ready next weekend because this writer is completely off. That's right I'm taking 48 hours of no posting to spend some much needed time with the husband. For tonight, I'm being lazy with my perfect kiddo and just enjoying that I feel almost completely back to me. Happy weekend readers!

Closer To Fine: Five Bad Days, Worst $23 Bucks I've Ever Spent, Being Right Never Gets Old

I've been complaining about my Thyroid issues. Hopefully this is the last rant for awhile. So, when getting all this blood drawn they find out I'm more or less defective. Kidding; but my thyroid levels are off, which can lead to bigger problems down the road. My symptoms were pretty benign and manage-able in my opinion, but what do I know? I've only had this body for 34 years.

For whatever reasons I have a rough time with medicine, hospitals and healthcare. Not on a political level, just in general. Maybe it was growing up visiting retirement homes with my Pastor Father, ill patients here and there and my mother being a grief counselor with Hospice, but I just associated sickness and death with all things medical for a very long time. 

Having spent my most formative years in Oregon where natural and homeopathic options are easier to get than anything else, that was always the first option. I remember for menstrual cramps my sister had me on all these herbs and tinctures. It was a pain in the ass but they worked! For me, western medicine was always a last resort and my body always seemed to have more intense reactions to it than most.

The thyroid thing didn't seem important to me. I had a friend suffering the same thing and she had intense symptoms. Mine were pretty standard and not severe at all. They said they could get me on meds after my May blood draw came back worse. Ironically this was after I'd done the dietary suggestions, cutting out most of my go to and comfort foods (spinach, veggie pasta, brussel sprouts, pizza and kale), and it made no difference, it actually just made me more miserable. 

I noticed some slight weight gain and since I work out a minimum of 5 days a week at 30 minutes a pop, while I don't need to win a beauty pageant, I'd rather maintain than gain. So I said fine, we'll give western medicine a go. My friend said the synthetic thyroid one messed with her sleep so she changed to the natural one and has done much better.

When I called my doctor I said, "Well I want to be on the natural one." The first name they threw out wasn't the one my friend was on. I said, "No I think it's just called like, Nature Thyroid?" They diverted back to, "We'll start you on this one." The prescription sat for two days as I still had seriously mixed feelings.

I very much am coined as a drama queen about medical and prescription stuff because I've always had very rough reactions. Everyone acts like I'm just overstating because I'm not actually allergic to anything, so to speak. My husband was encouragingly saying, "They will take an adjustment but it's a good step and it will make a difference."

Let me just say, he wasn't wrong. The first day I felt so confident and was like, "Yeah this is going to make me feel less tired and be more healthy!" Day one ended with the worst migraine I have had in a decade to the point where I couldn't lift my head off the pillow and slept for 11 hours straight with the help of my old friend, "Excedrin PM." Day two I was a little nauseated and foggy. Day 3 was the first morning it was taking it's toll. I had a low grade fever, serious chills and couldn't get enough water. It was like that scene in Me, Myself and Irene where the medication gave him insane cottonmouth:

 

The nausea was rough as I'm a puker as it is meaning, at the slightest bit of anything being off in my body, I'm vomiting. My appetite was numb almost and I felt this spacey, body high but not the good kind where you're having fun. Days 4 and 5 were killer, just out of this world discomfort with low fever, aches, weird, intense joint pain and my husband said my sleep was just not well at all. I had no feeling of being asleep or awake and was relying on Excedrin PM to help the pain every night.

Yesterday I called my doctor and they have yet to return that call. I tried to talk myself around it. I tried to rationalize and tell my body to suck it up but I was like...this isn't getting better, it's actually getting worse and I just can't live like this. I had to cancel moms night out plans because I was so afraid I'd puke wine on the bar if we went out.

I made the executive decision to stop taking them. In my optimism I had gotten 90 days worth of meds and dropped $23 bucks on that stupid prescription that I'll never see again but today, without the pill, the difference is already huge. There's a disappointed sadness in me that I wasn't heard by the doctor and also, that I let everyone talk me into something I was unsure about it, but at least today I can feel that without being sick on top of it.

This morning I skipped a workout and snuggled my daughter and husband, oh and the dog too. I enjoyed a cup of coffee for the first time in a week, and I don't feel like I'm completely ill. Don't get me wrong, I have some residual but much lighter nausea, I had a brief dizzy spell this morning and I'm still quite thirsty but I can think better, I feel less foggy and my joints don't hurt. For me it's a step in the right direction.

When I was my most sick yesterday, it was after I made myself a glorious cup of green ginger tea and then immediately felt like I was going to puke repeatedly so I stuffed down some bland mac and cheese leftovers from a failed dinner out, to calm my stomach, that I realized...okay I don't care about the weight gain, nothing is worth this discomfort. Next weekend is a big weekend in my life, and we have important plans. This weekend we have important plans too and I just couldn't picture feeling this ill through it all. I decided, no more, I won't live like this.

I Googled over and over again the Levoxothyroxine or something or other side effects. I had like 6 of 9 under the "Call your doctor if" column. I kept trying to rationalize the sickness blaming allergies or anxiety or my daughter having a cough but today is my affirmation it was the pills and not me. My joints don't hurt. I'm aware and awake instead of more tired and frail. Yesterday I even stared in the mirror for a minute and just felt like I looked, pale and uncomfortable. Today I might snap a selfie!

While I'm happy I tried it, I still have this overwhelming grief of how it all went down. I have diagnosed Anxiety and Depression, which are two of the side effects of the thyroid meds. To manage those with therapy and in daily life, I have many tools but my nervousness and anxiousness just were so un-manage-able with that medicine. I wish I was taken more seriously but I also need to stand up for myself. I really do, and this was quite the rough lesson in that. 

I really wish I didn't lose out on that $23 bucks, which I know sounds dumb but come on, that's half a tank of gas or a nice lunch out! The lesson is I have to be my own advocate and stand up tall about what's right for me, no matter how short I am. The truth is, I know my body the absolute best and no one can tell me otherwise. There was a part of me that hoped I'd be wrong and I'd be fine or that it would only have positive effects but I have no control of that. Being right never does get old, does it?

Today I am closer to fine. I feel so happy I'm almost back to myself. By next weekend when I take some much needed time away, I'm sure I'll be back to manage-able me and sorry, not sorry that being out of my comfort zone this time around, was not worth hurting my body. I even feel like my posts were foggy and I was so uncomfortable I couldn't even proof-read much because I was so frenzied! I'm glad to feel almost Alison again.

The Side Effects Of Attempting To Be Health-Conscious

Maybe I spent too many years around hippies. Maybe I spent too long on crazy diets and hating my body. Maybe I am just a stubborn woman, but last week I hit my max and I opted for western medicine. Today I'm struggling with the side effects.

In attempts of adulting we are low-grade insured but insured regardless. So we went and got physicals and blood draws. My 3 draws over the past 9 months kept returning worse and worse levels of thyroid stuff meaning I have an under-active thyroid. When I Googled this, turns out I had like 10 out of 13 symptoms. None of these symptoms felt, un-manageable to me. I have a hard time losing weight but lots of people do. I'm always tired but I'm a mom who works full time. I have dry skin and hair because, well sometimes that's par for the course, right?

When I switched workout routines in no way did I expect some miracle weight loss. I'm not dieting nor do I believe in crazy diets anyway anymore, but my diet hasn't changed and I've gained some weight. I work out 30 minutes 5 or 6 times a week, I haven't been eating in excess or changed my normal regime and I've gained...for no apparent reason. Not okay for me.

My last bad blood test finally brought up the idea of medication to which I said we could wait for, but with this whole weight gain thing, enough was enough. I decided to get the prescription. I have a friend who recently started treating her thyroid stuff too and she gave me lots of good resources and advice. So Saturday I started the medicine.

I have to take it at the same time daily and I can't eat food or drink coffee for an hour after having the medicine. This part wasn't difficult for me. I'm up at 5AM five days a week to workout, and if I take it around then, by the time I get home from the gym, make my lunch, make the coffee, and make breakfast, that's well after an hour. I was told the common side effect is it messing with your sleep. Unfortunately I've had other fun side effects instead.

This is day 4. Day one ended with a nasty migraine and nausea. Day two was okay but I had a lot of rest. Yesterday I had intense dry mouth, thirst and nausea. I also felt really spacey and had fluctuations in hot and cold. Today is much more nausea, intense thirst and dry mouth again, spacey and hot flashes among general discomfort. I'm told this is all trial and error but are we there yet?

I know I have to be patient, but boy is it rough. I'm not good at feeling "off." I'm not good at feeling "less than" or not capable of all things normal but I hope to push through. It's ironic that feeling all of this is supposed to get me healthier. I'm having to remind myself of the greater good, the big picture and one day at a time. Some moments are easier than others.

I've never really taken anything besides prenatal vitamins that were prescribed and it's definitely a journey. I'm drinking so much water I swear I'm in the bathroom once an hour and it takes me most of the morning to get over the spacey feeling. I definitely need a good night's sleep tonight too.

I think my mental struggle is that thyroid issues can cause heart problems so I don't want to mess around there, but unless I start to generally feel better, am I actually being health conscious with all of this? That's where I'm having a rough time.

Temporary. Everything is temporary. These reminders are crucial right now and I carry them with me. So I ask all of you to be a little patient with the blog as I'm not on my usual game right now but am here if you all want to reach out to me for story ideas and suggestions. Happy Tuesday!