Don't Let Your Photos Fool Yourself

I haven been slowly getting back into my blogging groove and today was feeling it a bit more, when something funny happened. I don't have the TimeHop thingy but in Facebook the only thing I enjoy anymore is the "on this day" memories thing. Mostly it's cute dog and kid pictures, but sometimes there are good motivational things on there. 

Today something popped up and it is blog-worthy. This photo came up from 2 years ago of my good old boot camp days:

I looked at it nostalgically and then looked at it again and was like, oh I must have been doing Savage Races then or working out a lot, I look really skinny! And then I looked at the date. In August of 2017, mentally, physically, spiritually and in all walks of life I was completely miserable and very unhealthy. I remember having some things to look forward to but my health was horrible.

I even looked back into my google photos and every other picture of me, I look heavier, frumpy even because I was indulging in unhealthy habits like drinking too much, too often, not eating enough or eating junk at every chance, only working out 3 days a week and mentally I was completely falling apart, desperate to hold it together.

Ironically this morning I woke up excited to hit the gym. I was excited it was Wednesday with only a couple more work days to power through. I was having a great week. So to prove how deceiving a good picture can be I did a work bathroom selfie below:

Here's what two things I will bring up that are important. Some people might say, it's the same except I'm not in workout clothes. Let me tell you what I see in picture two, and remember that we are our own worst critics so some of this will be me, not being nice to myself and some of it may come across as way too narcissistic, just go with it for now.

In that first picture I'm forcing a 6AM smile, probably sucking it in. In today's picture I'm being the poster girl for Old Navy and rocking an outfit I LOVE. I have felt very thick lately but have also completely re-vamped my workout routine and schedule and am working hard on what matters to me. I don't hate my body today. I love my body today.

In that first pic, I hated my body. How do I know this? Because I was treating every part of it like garbage two years ago. I remember being so upset two years ago but putting on my happy face daily. Every day was "if I can get to x,y,z I'll be okay. I'd had a ridiculous summer of selfishness and mental anguish and was trying to snap out of it. 

Today, I realize how much my body has done for me. I'm so thankful for not being on thyroid meds even though I've been struggling with some of the health stuff that comes along with keeping it natural over here. I'm thankful that I take the stairs every day and that I'm strong enough to feel sore when I push my limits. I'm thankful for every curve. I'd rather be thick and living my life happy, than be 30 pounds lighter afraid to eat a cupcake.

It's so easy to let any and all pictures fool yourself. I don't care if it's jealousy of others or of past versions of yourself. It's easy to forget what was really happening at those times when we just see the smiling snapshot. 

While I love that Facebook and google keep these memories for us, I'm always met with mixed feelings as to what they mean. I can usually recall what vague posts were about. I can usually remember what was going on around a picture or status update. Some of them are fantastic memories. Some of them are not so much. 

Don't let the photos fool you into thinking that what you have now is necessarily bad. Maybe you are going through a dark patch. Maybe things for you are just shitty but I urge you to try and snap a selfie, even if it's not a smiley pretty one. You'll revisit it later and think "oh yeah, I'm glad I let myself feel and be real in that moment," I think. 

I'm glad I have pictures of me looking great and looking not so awesome, why? Because that's ME. I'm glad I have pictures OF ME BEING ME, whether I was in a good place or not because it's all part of the journey. Today I'm glad I wanted to small and show off my budget fashions. Today I'm glad that this post came pouring out of me and I feel triumphant and free. 

You'll look over thousands of photos but don't be fooled by them, be inspired. There was some silly rom-com I loved, I think it was called "Just Married," and there is a line in there I always liked about how, you never see pictures of the bad times, just the good but the bad times are what gets you the stories and memories you need between the photos. Keep that idea close on this Wednesday and remember that everything is temporary. It's just one day at a time!

Technological Kiddos

My daughter informed me last night in the bath tub that she will be asking for her own computer for Christmas. I JUST got MY own computer this year with my work bonus. Kids today. I'm telling you.

A few months ago she crawled into my bed, all up in arms about it being extremely unfair that her dad has a cell phone, that I have a cell phone and she doesn't get one. She is six and a half.

Technology is just a force to reckon with. She is learning now more than we learned from 4th grade on. We were playing Oregon Trail and always dying from dysentery.

 

I can't believe in my thirties I'm saying "Back in my day," on a regular basis. I thought you had to be retired to use that one!

My generation is one in a weird place. I dislike how much our children depend on technology and miss out on being outside and doing normal kid things, but I also get irritated when older generations don't even attempt to use technology.

We have one customer at my work who I have to read a report to every morning because he refuses to have a computer or smart phone. He then goes to the library and has a librarian print the report for him to review again later. It's a little ridiculous, but I'm as nice as I can be about it.

My dad still has a flip phone but does email well so I don't press on that one. My mom always wants a new Samsung phone but then doesn't use all of the things that a Samsung galaxy whatever is actually good for so I always have to talk her down to not spending money on things we won't actually use.

For my daughter, my husband did one of those "free tablet with new phone" things a few years ago when my phone straight broke, and we make it clear that if she destroys that tablet, there is no other tablet. She's pretty good about it. I also refuse to pay for all the games. It's not like it's a Nintendo.

She's super smart. She could figure out the PlayStation before my dad could at first try. She learns a lot on computers and fast. She has kid games she loves to play. I'm not that mom concerned with screen time. Sure, I don't want her constantly on screens but I'm not weird about how long she is on there because we now live in a time where if you don't get to do screen stuff, you're the odd one out and with rampant mental health issues in kids of all ages.

To me, their little psyches are what is worth the technology battles. When my daughter binges a show that makes her bratty or rude, that show goes away. If she plays a game and I find out there is unnecessary violence, I say no more game. For me, it is all about how she re-acts to all this technology. If she feels entitled to it, I stomp it fast. I am extremely open with her about appreciation, gratitude and knowing that she has privileges others do not.

There is a great deal I love about technology, and a great deal I'm not so into. The whole data-mining stuff can get obnoxious. You look up shoes and find 400 shoe ads in your Instagram feed. You text about tacos and find restaurant ads all over everything. I try not to take it too seriously.

As far as kiddos with technology, I loathe seeing children at a dinner table with a tablet while mom and dad eat. LOATHE IT. Now, I'm an eat in front of the TV mom. It was my dad and I'd bonding after my mom left, and my kid and I indulge both together and separately in this great American tradition, but when we go out to eat, we are talking and coloring and laughing and INTERACTING. If I'm paying to eat, the kid better actually eat.

We actually don't eat out often because of the whole technology wrestling match. It's quite unbearable, especially if you go out with other kids and their tablets. I let my daughter use my phone to text her dad, grandma or a favorite aunt but that's about it. I feel no need for her to "be on my phone," and don't have secret games on there to pacify her.

Mostly she uses the computer lab at school and camp and I like that because we do have an old desk top at home that she can also utilize. Alas, she still wants "her own" computer. I'm pretty sure I'll just give her her own login on my laptop and call it a day. Kids these days are something else and I can't even imagine what her children will contend with. Will they have their own phone at birth?

Technological discussions with other parents are delicate as well. We don't want to feel as though it's a slight against us that other people use technology differently than we see fit. There is always that one really "crunchy" "organic" parent that scares the shit out of you about kids developing horns and being a year behind in school because they played too much Minecraft or were allowed to watch Hulu.

I reinforce that every child, every household and every family is different so, what works for you is good for you and share with caution, because it can be a delicate conversation. I joked with my cousin's wife once about how she just needs to be okay with how much and what kind of "messing up her kid," they will do. We will all "mess up" our kids, you just have to be at peace with how you do it. My kid watches so much Netflix but also watches it all with subtitles so she can read and spell better than most. She's had a huge vocabulary since she started talking and now just doesn't stop. So I'm okay with a "vidiot," as my dad and I named it. I was a "vidiot" too and I'm not completely horrible.

Technology is kind of inevitable. You can reject it as much as you want but I for one look forward to paper-less billing and easily navigating random life things like arguing over whether or not that was that one actor or the other. Hello IMDB.com! It's all a blessing and a curse, I mean hell, I spend 9 hours a day on a computer or phone! That's a lot, but it is what it is and I doubt that will decline.

For now, I'm happy to keep my child away from having her own phone and will share my laptop. After all, she shares her tablet! 

Progress In Podcasting

So it was April 8th I decided to join the rest of the free world in the podcasting phenomenon. I would say that my top one is still, "How Did This Get Made," but more often I listen to Dax Shepard's ArmChair Expert. The reason for this came to me yesterday in an Instagram discussion yesterday.

Social Media definitely has it's pros and cons. As a Game of Throne fan, social media is a dangerous place to be for spoiler alerts. As an anxious human, the rabbit holes on social media, are the stuff of Alice In Wonderland down a long and windy shoot to the little door. I'm the one who always ends up crying until I'm minimized to the jar that floats me away.

Facebook and I have been like those roommates that went to separate new places and now are trying to figure out if they can stay amicable. I feel like after any Facebook interaction, outside of memories or quippy memes, I end up irritated. But my heart lies with Instagram forever.

Why Instagram? I love following celebrities. One of my favorites that I follow happens to be the wife of Dax Shepherd, Kristen Bell. From her personal stories of parenthood, marriage and parent fails to just how endearing she is, it's hard not to be entertained. But I also love how...inherently "regular" these celebrities can be.

I follow many celebrities and musicians and love seeing updates and teasers of their work, when they post family pictures, jokes, fan art things and stories of their lives. Jenna Fischer documents her obsession and struggle with making homemade bread from scratch. Tom Hanks posts random pictures of gloves, shoes and such lost in New York on sidewalks and streets. And it's their accounts so they are posting these things. What a cool way to feel connected and find commonality.

Besides that, I love that it's picture based. It could be a quote or just a snapshot of cute puppies, but pictures are nice. Much better than status updates that are complaining and bitter, in my humble opinion. The stories and videos are fantastic as well. Maybe I'm going through withdrawals.

In my podcasting time, I have felt that connection with celebrities though, and it's refreshing. Dax Shepard gets his guests to talk about any range of subjects from acting to marriage, parenting, embarrassing stories and their career journeys. It's very humbling to hear some of these stories.

I loved his interaction with his wife when she was on. Seth Green was another amazing guest. He had David Sedaris on, which made my heart happy. Other favorite guests of mine include Johnny Knoxville, Mila Kunis, Kathryn Hahn, and Mae Whitman, and I'm still catching up!

Part of the fun is following the ArmChair Expert Instagram feed, Dax Shepard's Instagram feed, and those of the interviewees that I like. Because then you get further insight and a view to their world.

I have a friend that is on Facebook, but not Instagram and I keep encouraging her to make the switch because, although I'm on a social media hiatus, I feel like I do worlds better just engaging with Instagram, than I ever did being engulfed into Facebook. It's very frustrating that you do miss out on certain parts of life when you keep these things out of your daily routine but Dax's podcast with Matthew Lilliard from last year brought up a statistic that if you spend two hours a day on social media, by the end of the year, you've spend a month of that year in your life on social media. That's a little jarring to me. WOW.

I can admit that I'm probably much, MUCH worse than that and I hate it. The time that I have without checking it every what, hour or so, or sometimes with more ridiculous frequency, is almost disturbing and I have noticed a more positive shift in my mood. Truly.

I've added ArmChair expert to my morning routine and I love it. I come into work and while I'm getting the morning started I just listen away and smile and laugh to the interactions. It's made a nice addition to the grind and I even got my husband to listen so we kind of trade notes on "Oh hey, you'd like this one because..."

So after almost two full weeks in podcasting, I've definitely made some good progress. While I'm still open to suggestions I've found a comfort zone in terms of my attention span and willingness to venture towards other ones of different genres. Tomorrow marks about a week of the hiatus in Instagram and I'm not sure of a return date. I really want to commit to some more mental situating before putting myself back in the mix.

We are at Friday eve, and I'm ready for the weekend ahead and good routines. There have been so many strange emotional hurdles lately that while I've embraced the wobbly feeling, I'm happy to be a little more sure of my footing this week. Self care has been instrumental, as in finding the right conversations with my tribe. Thanks for sticking with me!

That's Pinteresting!

Funny story; I have a mom friend and just about 3 years ago she says to me, "I found this new website called Pin-interest! It has so many ideas for the birthday party!" I said sweetly, "Pinterest. It's called Pinterest." Her enthusiasm was right on, even if the pronunciation was off.

All women know Pinterest. This is factual. Nine years ago I tried to get my husband on board and he instantly became pissed off because he could only see pictures of the food, but not recipes. Let's just say Pinterest has come a LONG way. My husband still is not a fan.

As part of my social media break you might think I would avoid Pinterest, but you would be so wrong. I can spend hours on there, mostly because I'm a quote hoarder. I LOVE movie quotes, music quotes, motivational quotes, and little sayings. I'm considering starting to use some as writing prompts for fictional pieces, but sometimes they just get in there and stick. 

While I've noticed my reader numbers are a bit lower (so thank you for those who have stuck with me) I've been enjoying my time away from Facebook and Instagram. I'm still unsure as to when I will reemerge, so I've definitely turned towards Pinterest.

I stopped filling my boards and pins with furniture, clothing, and "things" I'll never have, but mostly just collect all of these quotes. So today we'll walk through a little bit of what has been on my radar.

Part of my social media siesta is getting back to myself. I've disclosed bit by bit it's been a rough run. Sometimes I look in the mirror with judgment and anger, with disappointment and frustration, but without social media influencing my anxieties, I want to keep reminding myself, I've been through some crap but I'm still here.

It's a hard sell, some days, but a good affirmation. I can always visit my board if I need a visual reminder.

This one I've been meditating on A LOT. I've recently lost touch with someone I'd considered a great friend and support. Maybe I can't even say lost touch, but I have two messages unanswered and even a note via snail mail unrecognized, so I'm kinda assuming this is a ghosting type thing? I'm in "hope for the best, prepare for the worst mode." I've just been rationalizing that, I was super great as a friend and will never give up on them, but if they have timed out on that friendship, I just need to let it float on. My coping mechanism is just daily reminders and a lot of just wishing them well with good vibes in the universe because what else is there?

This is also part of the social media stuff. There is a double-edged sword feeling for me when it comes to being able to "check in" on people or be "checked in" on by others. My best friend called me out as "Stalker-y" because I got into that Instagram feature where you can see who viewed your story, almost like a different form of a "like."

I went through a weird phase where being "liked" in that way but not acknowledged in life was mental torture. Then I transformed my perspective into a kind of, this maybe is a person's way of "checking in on you," without having a conversation for x,y,z reasons. But I kind of hit my limit and just decided to breathe deeply and take a long walk towards some peace.

Staying low key is like a superpower. Also, side note, one of my few, but largest issues with Pinterest, is the spelling errors. Low key is two words people. Two.

This one is undeniably true right now; intensely so. I work so hard on cultivating my wants and needs and sometimes the universe saying no is inadvertently a yes in the end. Isn't that Pinteresting?!?

I could do this all day and post 1,000 memes with 5,000 reactions. For me, it is a great distraction and allows me to have necessary reflection points. Sometimes I find those words that I just needed to read in the perfect moment. Sometimes I revisit all the things I've "pinned" and a month ago I was feeling the same and saved something that I needed today. It's a weird kind of new age diary, in a way.

Pinterest also has secret boards where you don't have to share everything with anyone who "follows" you, which I like. I have all kinds of secret nerdy tattoo dreams saved on there and I love them.

Some of my boards are literally things that I know I'm not organized or talented enough for accomplishing well, but a girl can dream! I think that's the fun part, is the dreaming. I stay away from dream trip boards, only because for me personally, it could become a daunting or depressing thing later but some people take their boards very seriously.

I have a few friends I send random pins and memes to, but other than that the whole chatting thing is pretty minimal. I really could spend hours lost and pinning away, especially if I have an upcoming project.

It's so funny when you take a step back you realize how much time you've spent feeding into other sources instead of yourself. Sometimes it can feel almost horrifying, other times perhaps it's sobering. I'm still fresh into the game but I'm feeling more and more positive in confirming this is just what I needed. I definitely wish people were still checking the blog often but my sanity is more important than my advertising.

Please feel free to message or comment suggestions! I'm open to them all! Happy Tuesday readers!

Social Media Siesta

It happened again. About once a year, and especially at high anxiety times, I get this overwhelming push to stay away from Facebook and/or Instagram. I can feel it being more negative than positive and pushing me to be upset over really ridiculous things. Yesterday I hit my max.

I haven't had Facebook or Messenger on my phone for probably over a year. I use a desktop to check on Facebook reminder things like birthdays or events like birthday parties or moms nights out and such, but stopped allowing myself into the inevitable time suck that is Facebook.

Instagram is much more palatable for me, but in the messenger feature, you can see if someone has seen a message, and if they don't respond, it can feel pretty defeating. For me, I'd rather have someone scream, berate and cuss at me, than leave me feeling ignored, inferior or all around unworthy of a response.

With my daily blog updates, I was using Instagram and my writing Facebook page to alert followers that the post had been finished. I thought, okay, my readership numbers may decline but I seriously have to do this for my mental health. I gotta say, I'm only a day in, and I've been consistently reminded throughout the day of why it's essential for me to take the step back every so often.

Today I was checking my phone for texts but not looking on social media every 10 minutes to see who was doing what. Why? Because that has been my mental undoing lately, and I'm undoing that undoing if that makes any sense.

When I am feeling, unsure, or extremely stressed, I default to social media avenues, which actually just amplifies all of those feelings for me unfortunately. I know this, but I still do it. Call me pathetic, I don't even mind, because sometimes all this technology takes too much out of me, and gives me little triumph and when the losses outweigh the gains, time to break away.

I'm interested to see how it all plays out. Much like the podcasting, and the new kickboxing gym I will, of course, keep up with my daily blogging no matter what. This is a social media outlet that I have only felt gains with. Speaking of gains, I thought I was doing good with kickboxing but some of my pants are tighter lately so, with no social media stuff I plan on using as much extra time as possible doubling up on workouts.

I think I put too much emphasis on social media measuring your...like-ability if you will, and yes, pun intended. It's like when someone won't return your text but likes your Facebook post you can rationalize, oh well at least they aren't rejecting me on all fronts. 

I have so many great coping mechanisms right now and I plan to employ them fully. I want to color again, craft with my daughter, read way more, and keep finding new series or binge the ones that make me relate more to life and less to escaping it.

I have trips to plan, people to see and things to do. I spent time with a total of 3 amazing mom friends essentially for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and all of them gave me props for growing into myself and embracing being uncomfortable in these transitional times. It felt like the definition of some kind of goddess circle, just ladies in womanhood supporting one another and it just made me kind of say, "The forget all the other stuff."

I then proceeded to cleanse my phone of anything negative and did a social media purge if you will, in terms of just taking apps off of my phone and refocusing. Today we had a birthday party with moms I don't know well. It was the first one in over a year my husband and I attended together. I checked my phone for time more than anything and just hung tight with him and mingled. It was really, really nice. Things are just nice, and simple, and now it's time to live there for a little.

Texting, calling and emailing is the way to go. I'm still obsessing over the interaction or should I clearly state, lack thereof, that kind of kicked me into high gear, but I'm praying on it becoming less and less prevalent. For now I'm just owning my siesta time and plan on enjoying all of it. I'll be posting daily so please subscribe and thank you all again so much! Happy weekend!

Last Year At This Time...What A Transition

I fight with Facebook a lot. Some days it is trigger city and other days I can appreciate it. I've taken it, and messenger completely off my phone all for the better. As I've said before, I much prefer Instagram, as I think Instagram is a more positive environment for someone like me, but this morning Facebook for "On This Day," brought up selfie from a year ago. Creepily enough I'm wearing the exact same shirt but now I have much longer hair. I'm also not nearly as tired looking. This is the comparison shot:

                             This day, 2018                    Today, 2019


I spent some time last week discussing comparisons of some then and now. What my marriage was then, versus now. Behavior then, versus now. We were spanning all different kinds of time frames and I said that comparing like that could be okay, even helpful in some arenas, but was also huge trigger territory.

That picture was taken just before the beginning of the worst being turned into something good, but something I could have never foreseen. In March of 2018, I tried to stand up for myself and take some of my life back. I knew I had lost my way and decided it was time to be a better mother, better person, and better household pillar, to say the least.

I was stopped dead in my tracks with every indication of "No," without being told the actual words "no." My efforts were detoured completely and I felt defeated and inferior. 

I had planned to do two hours of boot camp each morning to get back into shape when my husband decided to take a second job. As finances will always cause us friction, his reasoning was, "we always need more money, you're always saying we can't afford stuff." It was not an unfair point, but I was reluctant. I sucked up all my opposition and upset, all of my judgments about the decision and negative feelings and said "okay."

It was the worst month and a half we've had in a long time, and one that completely broke me down to the point of making unfair choices and decisions, and of taking a stand for my daughter, and for myself. 

In that month I watched my husband struggle and spiral out of control. Suddenly the new job meant he needed a car. Suddenly his friend had a car for him to procure at a fair price, which wasn't worth any form of "waiting" or negotiation. It was "take the car to my mechanic, get the okay" and drive away with new wheels into the sunset. We had successfully car-shared for 9 years and couldn't afford two vehicles, but this wasn't up for discussion in all this. For me, it was the cart before the horse and I was internally screaming and physically sobbing through the stress.

The car, to me, was the catalyst. Once the taste of freedom came, it was too good to be true and I watched as it snowballed. His second job was from 6AM to 12PM then he'd work from 1PM to midnight or later. This was all some seemingly weird power play to prove his worth at his current job, but to threaten that he could leave at any time.

Because he had to work at 5AM I was stripped of my Boot Camp routines, which crushed me. I'd been taken away from having any time to work out. My trainer knew how much I needed Boot Camp and let me come in from 4:45AM to 5:15AM before anyone else really arrived to complete the daily workout. It was brutal. And I missed normalcy. I did everything alone from getting my daughter fed and ready, making lunches, dropping her off and then some. It was difficult, lonely and had levels of unfriendly feelings coming at me regularly. 

I think I cried at least once a day. When he got the car I had to hide my meltdown. It wasn't that he wasn't "allowed" to have one. It was that we couldn't afford it, even with a second job. And not being able to have that rational conversation was upsetting to me. 

I remember taking that selfie and feeling so tired and broken and just thinking, "Okay so this is just my life now. This is what's in front of me." True to form I cried in private and hid everything away. My mom was helping us with transportation before the new-to-him car appeared and was also complaining and frustrated with everything, taking it out on me. 

I hit my final wall at 3AM on a dark night with my little girl right next to me telling me it would all be okay. I'd hit the point of "shit or get off the pot," for lack of a better phrase. I stood up, firm and wasn't about to hear "no" this time. I put my foot down and finally had my say. 

The second job faded as soon as he got a salaried position at his current job, the means to an end I guess. It was then that I took my life back. In May, I set up new childcare for the summer, which would involve hubby taking my daughter every morning, and he'd never taken her to school or childcare before.
I then commissioned my mom to do two evenings a week allowing me to hit the new gym I'd signed up for, in addition to my boot camp being back in full swing.

I look at that picture of me being a tired, mom and soldier and I feel so bad for 2018 Alison. Man, you went through some shit, and mostly alone. My soul looks beaten to hell in that selfie, but my head was still held high and the ferocity was waning. Damn did I prevail, though.

It was honestly more than just that month, it was so many years coming to fruition in the culmination of one, really horrible month. It was all very well dressed in "okayness." It was the epitome of my life as I knew it and I just had that Queen Daenerys Targaryen moment of "I'm going to break the wheel." If I could have used my dragons to set things on fire, I would have. It was time for the "new world."

What's even better is this "new world," and new cycle with a broken wheel rather than a stopped one, is still so new. It often feels new and fragile. But you look at that picture of last year versus this year and not just the hair has changed. Okay, yes I also got glasses, but there is a part of me that can't help see the transition within me. Like, look at the ferocity coming back and that air of resilience; everything I've been writing about!

I've been feeling mentally heavy and exhausted lately but it pales in comparison to last year. What an amazing reminder! Think of what I've overcome and look at the growth outside of the hair length! It's kind of impressive! I'm not saying this to brag or gloat, I'm just saying that we often don't realize it until we see a selfie like that. It's hard to see such change until these things happen to fall onto our "timeline," or "timehop" or whatever.

Since Friday I've struggled with staying grateful and just how wobbly I've felt with general life goings on. That selfie coming up, is just such a gift. It showed me that I am in fact progressing as a work in progress and that while I've felt so impotent in my ability to speed things up and keep pushing, I'm working at it better than I think I am.

A year really can do a lot for a person. You see those quotes and pin them and post them but no, LOOK, just look at that picture again. A year can do more than you can ever imagine. I'm not even about to say "things are just so much better now." We are far off from blanket statements like that, but I can say that the growth and transition is palpable, and I'm so glad I saw it in the flesh more accurately. 

For those of you feeling stuck or like you haven't accomplished what you thought you should, comb through some pictures and it may help you see the transition. It's not all cupcakes and rainbows. I'm not healed, cured or "everything is perfect now," but I'm much better off. Sure I'm still as sassy as ever but I really think the then and now says it all. 

The Bad NewsFeed

I've been super sensitive to social media causing me many waves of anxieties and have been sticking mostly with Instagram as of late. However, things have been slow lately and Facebook has been my "down time." This is never a good idea.

Yesterday, among the weird quotes and pictures, the people posting inappropriate jokes and political statements, I read a sad, sad update. To preface this, this news came from the wife of an old friend and she tagged him in it, which is the only way it came in our newsfeed. Before I leave the bad news in the blog, a little back story if you will.

I went to school with the same twenty kids from 3rd grade to sophomore year of high school. I wasn't in the popular clique, I wasn't in the "losers" group, I was just a weird middle. If you ask my best friend she'd say, I "got along with everyone." My mom was that mom who wanted me to hang out with certain people based on their parents. Like, "Oh they own that restaurant chain ya know? Her dad is that litigator. His dad runs his own business." Seldom did I get along with those kids based on stuff like that.

There was this one popular goofball boy and I always thought he was kind and hilarious, with a slight mean streak from time to time, but he seemed not to be bothered by me. In fact about 9 years ago he said, "Oh come on Ali, you'd be pretty hard not to remember." Mostly because I was loud. I have a lot of pictures of us in groups together.

My first introduction with him outside of being in my grade was kind of awkward. My mom had just spearheaded a grief group at Hospice of Lancaster County for children who had lost their parents to terminal illness. She desperately wanted this boy and his sister to attend. She pushed me to make it sound cool, as I was usually drug along to these things to make more friends. He came to one to play once and we did okay. He never really talked about his dad's death and to this day I'm still unsure of exactly how old he was or what happened, just that when I found him in 3rd grade, his dad had passed away prior.

We were never best friends, nor did we confide in each other or hang out often. He came to my birthday parties, Halloween parties, he did the act that followed me in the Talent Show, a skit from one of my favorite lame movies at the time, which I have somewhere on VHS. When we left St. Anne for Catholic High, 8th grade to High School that is, we were friends and he always said "hi" to me in the high school halls, cafeteria and at football games and dances.

When I left and moved, until Facebook came around we fell out of touch but when I sent that friend request, he accepted and it felt kind of cool ya know? Like we could keep tabs. We'd never been able to connect the few times we messaged each other when I was home to visit but I saw his family pictures and successes running a charity or non-profit type thing. I believe he named his son after his dad, and got married on his late father's birthday or something of that nature. I always admired him for growing into a good guy through that loss.

It was yesterday I saw an update that his wife posted with the completely heartbreaking news that their 3 month old daughter had passed away and everything just kind of went hazy for me. It was the saddest thing I've ever read. I was completely shaken.

This might seem weird, because we're not even that great of friends right? We haven't seen each other in like 18 years, and we don't even talk, so why am I so affected? Because I'm a mother, and because I'm a human.

There was a Parkland shooting survivor that killed herself this past week. We have friends that live in New Zealand and the shooting there has rocked the world. Then I read about this poor baby girl passing, which is just horrific. Is there really anything else to say about it?

Weeks ago at church they asked me to volunteer in the nursery and I declined, unsure of if my schedule would allow. Hours after I read that terrible Facebook announcement I got a reminder that I needed to watch the babies in the nursery tomorrow and I just about started to cry. I had successfully distracted myself but then it just all hit me at once.

Losing a parent when you're so young is just completely shattering, but you are forced to continue no matter how the growing pains. I don't know this from anything but proximity to such loss, rather than personal experience, so if I'm wrong, feel free to tell me. Now this poor guy and his wife have lost a child, and their son has lost his little sister. I honestly couldn't think of anything worse.

I'm not sure how she passed and I'm not sure I need to know. I'm not going to reach out and try to befriend him but I'm saying all my prayers for their family, without a doubt. This isn't an entry about sending them love and healing vibes or rallying emotional support. For me, this is about the profound occurrence of feeling something for someone somewhat removed from your life, because as a parent and human, you don't want to ignore the suffering.

I think of his wife just feeling so completely broken and blaming herself. I think of him losing 2 immediate family members in 34 short years on this planet. I think of his son missing his baby sister. They just posted family pictures a month ago. And I think about all of this happening around social media. Because if we didn't have that would I even know?

My best course of action is prayer and hoping that if they have some kind of donation in the baby's name I can participate. I won't send a condolences card or flowers. We don't really know each other anymore, but as a mother and and old friend I just feel like carrying some of this with me right now.

I know that sounds depressing and what a huge bummer of a post, right? But as a person who is healing and feeling a lot lately, I just wanted to be present in this reality for a bit. I know we can easily be removed from news of shootings, suicides and death in general right? Until it hits home? This hit a weird version of "home" for me.

So to my old friend, the one that made me laugh and stayed kind to me, just know you're in my prayers. You'll probably never read this, but if you ever happen upon it, my best wish is that someday when we meet again, the sadness and devastation will have lifted enough for me to make you laugh. I'll be over here hugging my daughter a little extra, and tomorrow's post will be lighter!!