This weekend was pure bliss with just an overnight away that made all the difference. The big thing for me this year, just 3 years after the car accident, this was the first year I didn't wear that trauma as an accessory all day.
Being away gave me time to think. One overnight away with no distractions, just us, just our needs, not those of the tiny dictator, was a completely awakening experience, and long overdue. We managed to go back to basics, if you will. We didn't even turn on the TV.
With all that time and freedom, and too many mirrors in the place we were staying, it did make me a little too introspective and self-judgmental so this morning I really tried to recharge on staying body positive and productive.
I had to get a little real with myself this weekend and sometimes those moments suck. about 12 years ago I got really real about my diet and exercise. I was on weight watchers and I was working out sometimes twice a day, but doing spin, weights, running and yoga.
Weight watchers put a LOT into perspective, especially as a 20 something who had alcohol as just part of the lifestyle. Once you can drink, you drink and go out non-stop, or so my friends and I did. Alcohol is quick calories.
A lot of the weight watchers tools, I still use but with parenthood and full time working, I also don't have that much time to eat, regardless. I've had to become more mindful with eating, especially over the last two years and it's not quiet a diet but just paying attention.
So here is what I know: I'll never ever not eat carbs, but limiting them is no problem. I keep bread away from it becoming a snack, yup I'm that person. I need fruit to help keep a balanced diet because I suck at eating fruit. Veggies are my life blood. The worst thing I do is make a huge salad with spinach, carrots, tomatoes, croutons, sometimes a form of protein, and cheese and cover it in home-made oil and vinegar spice dressing. That is my favorite ever, my default, and my biggest pig out.
I don't order pizza anymore. My husband makes epic homemade pizza and that I love. I also love tacos. Salad and pasta are my at home go to if my husband hasn't make some kind of chicken, veggie rice thing. We almost never eat out.
I love pretzels but am mindful not to keep them around. My other huge cheat snack and vice is oil-popped popcorn. The worst thing I indulge in is dessert because my kid is into it. I try really really hard to buy dessert that I don't like that she does, and just drink all the tea before bed so I don't snack.
What's sad is I don't even eat that much, and yet I'm having such a rough time with my body image. It didn't help that part of my blissful weekend landed us at the outlet mall and I tried on my first pair of gap jeans in a long time, in both of my "normal" sizes and it got defeating, fast.
I found this workout quote and mantra of "workout because you love your body not because you hate it," and I'm carrying that close with me. I don't hate my body, but right now, it feels like I have to work awfully hard to stay comfy and I dislike that. I'm very much working on my patience for my body getting used to new routines but this weekend was rough.
We ate an amazing feast. I rarely go all in and indulge. We had appetizers, salad, main course, dessert, cappuccino, and it was just amazing. I haven't had a dinner like that in years. We ate like things. I didn't feel bad for being a foodie and enjoying life, but I struggle because I bloat and was carrying a lot of swollen water weight that day.
This is a brand new week, and I'm hatching some methods to the madness and getting ready to get back to routines and to even make some new ones.
I'm so grateful for the time that was shared this weekend and the conversations and quality time, but I'm definitely feeling incredibly introspective and awake right now. I'm thinking of some new subjects to blog about and welcome any ideas. Happy Monday readers! Thanks for the weekend away!
Showing posts with label mindfulness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mindfulness. Show all posts
Monday, June 17, 2019
Wednesday, April 10, 2019
The Way Our Minds Work
Because I'm committed to this blog and all things connected to it, I have been feverishly listening to Podcasts, and mostly those episodes of Dax Shepherd's ArmChair Expert. In an episode with Johnny Knoxville he spoke about some childhood OCD and habitual tendencies he has since broken out of and the way his brain works, more or less. They threw in some stuff about addiction and body consciousness, on top of just growth and age, and it reminded me of an incident that happened with myself about a month or so ago.
My husband and I try to talk on my lunch hour a few times a week because we rarely see each other for more than a few minutes at a time as we work opposite schedules. I was talking to him as I was in Publix facing a ridiculous issue that was my current frustration: I keep finding breakfast cereals I like, that apparently no one else does, hence they stop selling them. Cheerios had this almond cinnamon protein thing that was delicious and it got replaced by Pumpkin Spice Cheerios I think. Then I found an instant oatmeal that was cranberry almond with protein, and it was a steal when it was bogo, but they only ever had odd numbers of it or only had the banana one when I went, so that didn't work out so well either. I was shopping for something new.
Special K was bogo that week and they had just released a bunch of Protein-Healthy type cereals, so as I'm on the phone with my husband I just launch into this weird rant. I'm talking around, "Oh it doesn't look like those bogos match, and what if I like these but they don't restock them and the calories versus what's in them and the bigger boxes versus the little boxes being a better deal." This went on for at least a good 5 minutes and my husband said, "Wait what? You're going all over the place over the cereal and putting that much thought into it? Seriously?" That was my "aha" moment, if you will.
I became almost offended but then asserted, "Oh yeah, that's what happens in my mind...OVER CEREAL, so can you imagine the BIGGER things?" I started to laugh because it has become a recurring theme in our marriage that we think so differently. On the one hand, well doesn't everybody? But on the other hand, boy we think so very differently!
He just kind of took a step back and was like, "Wow, that's a lot of thought process." I made a quippy Friends, Phoebe reference of "Yeah you don't want to get in here," about my frazzled mind. Having anxiety means I can fathom every situation and look at everything from a million different angles, and somehow all at once. It's complex in actuality.
When I don't hear from someone for awhile, it's not a simple, "Just text them and check in," for someone like me. Sometimes it can be that easy but often it comes with the complexities of multiple reasoning and mental negotiation. I go from, "Well if they are busy, I shouldn't bother them. Maybe they are going through something personal. If they wanted to talk to me, they'd reach out, right? Is that sad Pinterest quote, 'no response is still a response,' true? What if they don't text me back, won't that be worse than just not hearing from them? Did you piss them off? What happened the last time you saw them that could warrant not responding. Think they're sick?..." This could go on and on and on. But it paints quite a picture, doesn't it?
Every interaction isn't always like this, but certain ones can snowball into something of this nature. I won't ask if this happens to everyone because we are all so incredibly different. My husband is very much, "We'll figure it out," about things and seems to be certain a solution will just happen. For me I need careful planning and multiple solutions in my pocket before I even start to tackle an issue.
I once knew this woman who told me she just kind of trusted the universe would provide what she needed. She'd had no cash for her daughter's weekly lessons and then she had two people request her to work that same day, out of the blue, and by the time it was lesson time, she had the cash. I couldn't do that. I would have cancelled that lesson a week ago because I have no faith that money will just show up. It was impressive to me that she could keep calm in that situation because I would have been an emotional mess feeling like a failure for not "being better prepared." Again, everyone's mind works so differently, which is why we have epic and creative inventions and innovations, I guess.
When I inadvertently let the mind mania dump onto my husband, at first I felt a bit embarrassed. Usually I can keep my uniqueness under wraps, or know my audience better than to just randomly let the freak-flag fly. But then I realized I was relieved that he knew because maybe he would understand why so much becomes such a big deal for me.
That's the thing about anxiety, it takes so many forms for so many different people. Ironically, for hurricane Irma, I wasn't really anxious that we would die or be trapped or anything, but more so I just wanted it to come, do the damage and then we could repair. I'm not anxious about walking around in new areas and getting lost or hurt, I'd be more concerned about being late to something. It's kind of a super weird thought process, I'm well aware, but it's all mine!
One of the inherently amazing things about this crazy thing called life, is how different we all are, and how our minds work completely independently from others. My thought process will never be the same as anyone else's. You can share certain kinds of anxieties, yes, but how you deal with them will not be the same as anyone else's experience.
To me, this brings comfort. I like to know that I'm unique in that way. It's almost like a specially made kind of armor to ready me for the world. Because of my thought process, I can understand my daughter a bit more. She exhibits some similarities to my way of thinking, and of course has my sass and sarcasm. I think it also lets me befriend the people that are more introverted, because I can see a bit more of them outside from the view of the surface. This makes children warm to me quickly as well. I may be an adult, but I can understand children in a way that makes me seem less intimidating. It worked wonders in my nanny years, for sure.
A lot of my anxieties are hard for the general public, and especially employers, to deal with and understand, and I've struggled with that. I carry my world on my shoulders because when I was 12, every idea of what I thought I knew was my life, was shattered in one afternoon. I felt completely alienated and uncomfortable with everything all at once. So, being aware that it can happen like that again, at any moment, brings out my rough edges.
I wrestle with expectations, ideals, keeping up a certain image, how I should behave, what would be acceptable and what wouldn't. I thrive in large social situations like parties and gatherings because I blend in and don't have to be "one thing" in particular. One on one, I can struggle, depending on the cohort. Many people will also only know certain parts of me, based on what I asses as their "acceptability," of all that is "Anxious Alison." I often keep myself from being "too Alison," with certain things as it has gotten me into trouble too often to ignore, but I'm learning to better share and embrace all of those sides.
We all think differently, see differently and experience things differently. What I hope for is that we find commonalities through it, rather than more division. I think we are slowly getting there, but it's such a work in progress, much like our personal lives. If you are like me, I'm open to talking about it. If you're the polar opposite, I'm even more open to talking about it because our different ways of thinking are fascinating, and learning about one another only makes us stronger. I'm all for strength in our similarities, or even in our differences. Bring it on!
My husband and I try to talk on my lunch hour a few times a week because we rarely see each other for more than a few minutes at a time as we work opposite schedules. I was talking to him as I was in Publix facing a ridiculous issue that was my current frustration: I keep finding breakfast cereals I like, that apparently no one else does, hence they stop selling them. Cheerios had this almond cinnamon protein thing that was delicious and it got replaced by Pumpkin Spice Cheerios I think. Then I found an instant oatmeal that was cranberry almond with protein, and it was a steal when it was bogo, but they only ever had odd numbers of it or only had the banana one when I went, so that didn't work out so well either. I was shopping for something new.
Special K was bogo that week and they had just released a bunch of Protein-Healthy type cereals, so as I'm on the phone with my husband I just launch into this weird rant. I'm talking around, "Oh it doesn't look like those bogos match, and what if I like these but they don't restock them and the calories versus what's in them and the bigger boxes versus the little boxes being a better deal." This went on for at least a good 5 minutes and my husband said, "Wait what? You're going all over the place over the cereal and putting that much thought into it? Seriously?" That was my "aha" moment, if you will.
I became almost offended but then asserted, "Oh yeah, that's what happens in my mind...OVER CEREAL, so can you imagine the BIGGER things?" I started to laugh because it has become a recurring theme in our marriage that we think so differently. On the one hand, well doesn't everybody? But on the other hand, boy we think so very differently!
He just kind of took a step back and was like, "Wow, that's a lot of thought process." I made a quippy Friends, Phoebe reference of "Yeah you don't want to get in here," about my frazzled mind. Having anxiety means I can fathom every situation and look at everything from a million different angles, and somehow all at once. It's complex in actuality.
When I don't hear from someone for awhile, it's not a simple, "Just text them and check in," for someone like me. Sometimes it can be that easy but often it comes with the complexities of multiple reasoning and mental negotiation. I go from, "Well if they are busy, I shouldn't bother them. Maybe they are going through something personal. If they wanted to talk to me, they'd reach out, right? Is that sad Pinterest quote, 'no response is still a response,' true? What if they don't text me back, won't that be worse than just not hearing from them? Did you piss them off? What happened the last time you saw them that could warrant not responding. Think they're sick?..." This could go on and on and on. But it paints quite a picture, doesn't it?
Every interaction isn't always like this, but certain ones can snowball into something of this nature. I won't ask if this happens to everyone because we are all so incredibly different. My husband is very much, "We'll figure it out," about things and seems to be certain a solution will just happen. For me I need careful planning and multiple solutions in my pocket before I even start to tackle an issue.
I once knew this woman who told me she just kind of trusted the universe would provide what she needed. She'd had no cash for her daughter's weekly lessons and then she had two people request her to work that same day, out of the blue, and by the time it was lesson time, she had the cash. I couldn't do that. I would have cancelled that lesson a week ago because I have no faith that money will just show up. It was impressive to me that she could keep calm in that situation because I would have been an emotional mess feeling like a failure for not "being better prepared." Again, everyone's mind works so differently, which is why we have epic and creative inventions and innovations, I guess.
When I inadvertently let the mind mania dump onto my husband, at first I felt a bit embarrassed. Usually I can keep my uniqueness under wraps, or know my audience better than to just randomly let the freak-flag fly. But then I realized I was relieved that he knew because maybe he would understand why so much becomes such a big deal for me.
That's the thing about anxiety, it takes so many forms for so many different people. Ironically, for hurricane Irma, I wasn't really anxious that we would die or be trapped or anything, but more so I just wanted it to come, do the damage and then we could repair. I'm not anxious about walking around in new areas and getting lost or hurt, I'd be more concerned about being late to something. It's kind of a super weird thought process, I'm well aware, but it's all mine!
One of the inherently amazing things about this crazy thing called life, is how different we all are, and how our minds work completely independently from others. My thought process will never be the same as anyone else's. You can share certain kinds of anxieties, yes, but how you deal with them will not be the same as anyone else's experience.
To me, this brings comfort. I like to know that I'm unique in that way. It's almost like a specially made kind of armor to ready me for the world. Because of my thought process, I can understand my daughter a bit more. She exhibits some similarities to my way of thinking, and of course has my sass and sarcasm. I think it also lets me befriend the people that are more introverted, because I can see a bit more of them outside from the view of the surface. This makes children warm to me quickly as well. I may be an adult, but I can understand children in a way that makes me seem less intimidating. It worked wonders in my nanny years, for sure.
A lot of my anxieties are hard for the general public, and especially employers, to deal with and understand, and I've struggled with that. I carry my world on my shoulders because when I was 12, every idea of what I thought I knew was my life, was shattered in one afternoon. I felt completely alienated and uncomfortable with everything all at once. So, being aware that it can happen like that again, at any moment, brings out my rough edges.
I wrestle with expectations, ideals, keeping up a certain image, how I should behave, what would be acceptable and what wouldn't. I thrive in large social situations like parties and gatherings because I blend in and don't have to be "one thing" in particular. One on one, I can struggle, depending on the cohort. Many people will also only know certain parts of me, based on what I asses as their "acceptability," of all that is "Anxious Alison." I often keep myself from being "too Alison," with certain things as it has gotten me into trouble too often to ignore, but I'm learning to better share and embrace all of those sides.
We all think differently, see differently and experience things differently. What I hope for is that we find commonalities through it, rather than more division. I think we are slowly getting there, but it's such a work in progress, much like our personal lives. If you are like me, I'm open to talking about it. If you're the polar opposite, I'm even more open to talking about it because our different ways of thinking are fascinating, and learning about one another only makes us stronger. I'm all for strength in our similarities, or even in our differences. Bring it on!
Friday, March 29, 2019
Take It Down A Notch
I'm unsure as if it has to do with my being short and sassy, but I'm also naturally loud. It has gotten me in trouble on more than one occasion, especially in earlier years of cell phone usage. Sometimes I feel like my inner anxiety is even loud, like SHOUTING, and I just have to breathe and take it down a notch. At 34 I'm still "using my inside voice" in more ways than one!
Above is Ross doing his "quiet down thing," and I feel like I bring this out this reaction in most people. Learning to reign it in mentally, has been a battle all on it's own. I now understand that those moments where my anxiety spins me out of control are kind of like relapses, but as I get better with maintenance, the relapses get less bad in change.
What's weird for me is that I feel like in the midst of the chaos I can handle myself relatively well, but when things get calm and then I hit a speed bump, it's like a red alert. See Michael Scott:
I organize to the point of compulsiveness often, when it comes to budget, bills, scheduling, reservations for things, planning for life, play dates, routines, chores, and everything else in between. Sometimes when bigger things tend to surprise me, it is then I become unhinged. In another aspect, if I'm already struggling with one thing that I'm maintaining my energy with and you throw me another curve ball, you're likely to find me with a black eye. I'm anything but prepared.
In the wake of turning 34 and saying goodbye to my beloved boot camp I felt down a peg or two. I was personally taken down a notch. My birthday was fine, but I was stressed in general, I can't lie. We have tax stuff coming up, bills, car maintenance, and a lot going on for me personally so I was trying so hard to just push through. Yesterday was the beginning of some deep conversational type stuff for life plans and it all just really hit me.
I went from 0 to 60 in nothing flat and was over-dramatizing and just super upset. Goals and plans are important to me. What can I say? I'm extremely Monica:
I reached out to my tribe to get all the different sides of the main question I always ask, "Am I allowed to be upset about this?" After careful consideration and reflection, and important opinions, I had to really take it down a notch. My first instinct is always the worst, that's why I never send my first typed response for a heated question via text. My first answer is always, sassy, snarky, and rude. When I put the phone down and take a step back I can answer...the less Anxious Alison way, which is usually nicer.
Later I further investigated the scope of my anxieties and then asked the questions out loud that I needed answered and listened to each response. Active listening is no joke. It is hard! I didn't yell in response, I didn't "freak out," I didn't lose my temper, I just took it all in.
Can we call this all growth? Sometimes handling all of this makes me want to hide and color in my pillow fort. Sometimes I feel like a bad ass full time working mom ready to take on the world! Most of the time it just makes me tired.
Last night after all of this self-inflicted emotional turmoil, and knowing I had a really good weekend ahead of me, I just read Fancy Nancy with my daughter and hugged and kissed her a lot. I breathed a breath of grateful and went to bed. How's that for taking it down a notch?
Much like age has taught me to quiet my voice in every circumstance necessary, age has taught me to handle my anxiety appropriately. Well, age and therapy. I can organize and plan and over-plan or over-book but nothing really prepares you for life's crazy changes, especially when you're already overwhelmed.
My best tool is taking it down a notch...all of it, all the time, in every avenue. Whether it's my anxiety, my anger, my attitude, my stress, if you can just take a step back, it makes all the difference. I'm seriously starting to relate to the Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson classic, Anger Management now:
It's something that requires attention, mindfulness and it takes a lot of practice. Say Goosfraba if you must! But in all the mania of the past couple weeks, it hasn't hurt to take it down a notch! So down a notch, here I come to embrace the weekend! You all should too!
Monday, March 25, 2019
Last Day Of 33, Whatcha Got For Me?
On the eve of my birthday, or as I have been referring to it this year as, "Just Tuesday the 26th," while of course saying goodbye to 33 and hello to 34, I'm almost forced into some reflection so just bear with me.
I remember last year going to an amazing concert with some of my favorite people around this time of year, running the St. Patty's 5K and I think there was ice cream cake. Not to mention, my mother's annual forced upon new fashion or a shopping trip with her. This year I am opting for as much calm and quiet as possible.
My daughter has promised me a "boutique" of flowers and as much as I didn't want to correct her, I did and told her she meant "bouquet," and I hope to snag some time to myself, a novel idea in motherhood.
I will say this, 33 has been a huge year for me personally in terms of growth and strength. Last year at this time I was still settling into things after surviving one of the worst Christmases of my lifetime. I was trying to scrape things together and stay positive, but I was feeling really hopeless and utterly alone.
This was before April, and in April my life was completely turned upside down in every way and I didn't handle it well. March, and especially my birthday, was the beginning of the chaos. At that time, I was still in a place of fight or flight and I was faced with having to support choices I didn't agree with, but sucking it up "for the greater good." It wasn't my best start to 2018.
This year has a much different vibe, more positive and affirming, and I'm proud of and happy with that. After a horrible April 2018, in May I took my life back. I really stood up for myself and my daughter and redefined our family norms. It was a bit rocky through September but we are still building, and growing. So this year, I'm just ready for 34.
Birthday wishes are great, but I no longer feel they are some kind of required barometer for a friendship or an attention level anymore. I feel grateful when someone remembers to text me, let alone remembers something as trivial as a birthday. I won't feel "forgotten" because people have lives and any relationship is complicated and scattered at times. Not getting a nod on a Facebook wall or a text the day of won't break my birthday or get anyone in trouble.
There aren't many years of my 34 on earth that I can recall the kind of strength and growth that I've manifested, especially over these last 6 months, so I want to celebrate that, more than anything else within the birthday. As an only child, my mom cannot help herself when it comes to making it a "thing," no matter how much I beg to just have some ice cream cake and call it a day. My husband gets annoyed I ruin my own requests by buying myself the stuff I need instead of waiting for him to do it for me.
I've decided that Jenny Lewis' new album "On The Line" was released as a birthday gift to me, as she is my spirit animal and one of my most favorite artists. She also starts her tour tomorrow, in Indiana unfortunately, but I can rock from here, regardless. I've been replaying her album as part of my reflective time because she usually writes and records all the feels I need, and somehow exactly when I need them. So, little things like this I consider part of the celebration.
For 34 I want continued growth, strength and bravery. I want to become less and less afraid to stand up for myself in every situation. Ironically this past weekend I had a recurring nightmare about still working in a place where I was made to feel intimidated, inferior and where my needs and requests were consistently ignored only to wake up disgustingly grateful that I'm no longer there. I'll take that as a good sign that I'm in a better place.
Also this weekend my family seemed to master "the chill," of which I am completely the worst. We did some household chores and some necessary upkeep, but we were lazy and watched too much TV, ate what we wanted, had a family sleepover, slept in and just bummed around. It's not something we indulge in often, even though it is necessary. On top of that, I had good conversations with favorite people about struggles and growth and about how we just need to face certain things head on anymore. We're too young to take it for granted and too old to mess around, and I think those two are interchangeable.
So 33, what else have you got for me? I'm ready for more with 34 and yes those all kinda rhyme in weird ways. Maybe the corny, dorky stuff comes with age too. Here's to growing up!
I remember last year going to an amazing concert with some of my favorite people around this time of year, running the St. Patty's 5K and I think there was ice cream cake. Not to mention, my mother's annual forced upon new fashion or a shopping trip with her. This year I am opting for as much calm and quiet as possible.
My daughter has promised me a "boutique" of flowers and as much as I didn't want to correct her, I did and told her she meant "bouquet," and I hope to snag some time to myself, a novel idea in motherhood.
I will say this, 33 has been a huge year for me personally in terms of growth and strength. Last year at this time I was still settling into things after surviving one of the worst Christmases of my lifetime. I was trying to scrape things together and stay positive, but I was feeling really hopeless and utterly alone.
This was before April, and in April my life was completely turned upside down in every way and I didn't handle it well. March, and especially my birthday, was the beginning of the chaos. At that time, I was still in a place of fight or flight and I was faced with having to support choices I didn't agree with, but sucking it up "for the greater good." It wasn't my best start to 2018.
This year has a much different vibe, more positive and affirming, and I'm proud of and happy with that. After a horrible April 2018, in May I took my life back. I really stood up for myself and my daughter and redefined our family norms. It was a bit rocky through September but we are still building, and growing. So this year, I'm just ready for 34.
Birthday wishes are great, but I no longer feel they are some kind of required barometer for a friendship or an attention level anymore. I feel grateful when someone remembers to text me, let alone remembers something as trivial as a birthday. I won't feel "forgotten" because people have lives and any relationship is complicated and scattered at times. Not getting a nod on a Facebook wall or a text the day of won't break my birthday or get anyone in trouble.
There aren't many years of my 34 on earth that I can recall the kind of strength and growth that I've manifested, especially over these last 6 months, so I want to celebrate that, more than anything else within the birthday. As an only child, my mom cannot help herself when it comes to making it a "thing," no matter how much I beg to just have some ice cream cake and call it a day. My husband gets annoyed I ruin my own requests by buying myself the stuff I need instead of waiting for him to do it for me.
I've decided that Jenny Lewis' new album "On The Line" was released as a birthday gift to me, as she is my spirit animal and one of my most favorite artists. She also starts her tour tomorrow, in Indiana unfortunately, but I can rock from here, regardless. I've been replaying her album as part of my reflective time because she usually writes and records all the feels I need, and somehow exactly when I need them. So, little things like this I consider part of the celebration.
For 34 I want continued growth, strength and bravery. I want to become less and less afraid to stand up for myself in every situation. Ironically this past weekend I had a recurring nightmare about still working in a place where I was made to feel intimidated, inferior and where my needs and requests were consistently ignored only to wake up disgustingly grateful that I'm no longer there. I'll take that as a good sign that I'm in a better place.
Also this weekend my family seemed to master "the chill," of which I am completely the worst. We did some household chores and some necessary upkeep, but we were lazy and watched too much TV, ate what we wanted, had a family sleepover, slept in and just bummed around. It's not something we indulge in often, even though it is necessary. On top of that, I had good conversations with favorite people about struggles and growth and about how we just need to face certain things head on anymore. We're too young to take it for granted and too old to mess around, and I think those two are interchangeable.
So 33, what else have you got for me? I'm ready for more with 34 and yes those all kinda rhyme in weird ways. Maybe the corny, dorky stuff comes with age too. Here's to growing up!
Wednesday, March 20, 2019
Anxietal Shifts, Yes I Just Made Up A New Word
If there was one word used to describe me ever...it would be "anxious." When I was younger and my family went places like amusement parks I was always very aware I could get lost, like really lost because this was before cell phones. If someone says they will be at my house in 10 minutes and don't arrive in 15, clearly they have died in a 40 car pile-up. Okay, I've dialed down the mania by a long shot now but I'm usually the person that is the master of un-calm. The anti-calm if you will.
I don't know if that comes from trauma or it's just me, but here I am. Somehow, in the past year or so, I've been the easygoing one, and have learned a bit of calm, and it's the people I'm used to being calm that have become more unhinged, or at least appear so. It's so weird. Cue the Stranger Things theme music.
I've been prompting myself to better respond, better handle negativity, and control my reaction rather than let myself be disappointed by the actions of others. It's no easy task but I've found the pay-off to be invaluable to my mental state.
Lately I just remind myself that I have virtually no control over anything anymore. I can control my finances, most aspects of my timing, and my behavior; but I can't make people, even my own child, act how I want or need them to. All I can do is control my reaction to the situation in front of me.
Last year we went on the weekend trip from hell. As a family we hadn't traveled together in years. I was very used to it just being my daughter and I. Also, I refused to let the family step in and control the trip so I did everything myself. It went downhill fast.
I booked us on the worst airline that charged for carry on, which I didn't realize until the day before we left. I put the rental car under my husband's name because I have PTSD and hate driving unfamiliar cars, and he forgot his only credit card so they were mean about upholding the reservation. We got to everything late, we were rushed or tired and because karma is awesome, I got food poisoning...badly.
My husband was in a horrible mood the whole time, he was anxious and very angry and frustrated and on edge. Me? I was like "We'll get there when we get there. We'll call the company and figure it out. We'll stay in touch and see if we can make it happen." I was literally vomiting outside of the church where my cousin was about to be married, and I showed up smiling, holding it together and pushing through because...WHAT ELSE COULD I DO?
In all my years before I had my child, I was the one with panic attacks that needed calming down. I was the over-thinker and one to throw the tantrums. Had I lost the will to scold? Or had a I outgrown it? If anything teaches you how little control you have, it's parenthood! But, really, where was the shift?
Last week my daughter had her first brush with lice, all the puns intended. I have serious lice PTSD issues, no joke, but my daughter was upset enough. My husband was at work. I just had to handle it. In the days after the treatment we are still checking and combing daily. We had't found much but were staying tenacious. My husband wanted to keep her on lock down as if she had chicken pox she could rub on her friends. I got annoyed and felt like, "Hey we have to let the kid have a life. She has been medicated and treated properly, we are maintaining the issue, we can't keep her prisoner. It will be fine."
I wasn't going to punish my kid for some weird rite of passage and we also did everything in our power for now, and could only treat and then use preventative measures going forward. You really do just have to take things one day at a time.
I'm starting to identify my triggers and when I'm most anxious and it's truly eye-opening. Knowing that has helped to calm my busy mind when the chaos creeps up. You'll hear people suggest all the anxiety-quelling tools about mindfulness and meditation but those things are so difficult for me. I do try, but some days are more successful for others. You also have to find what works for you and stick with it, that's my most generic, but best advice.
I don't know when the shift was exactly. We've had such a rough handful of years maybe I can just handle close to anything at this point. Mostly, I just don't have the energy to let everything ruin me anymore. Again, maybe this comes in part of recovery from all the trauma, but every day has it's challenges and let downs. It is up to me and only me as to how I handle them.
In some ways I am so proud and impressed with myself from this shift. I feel like I'm becoming a real grown up. In other ways I wish I hadn't wasted so much time being upset before, but I learned through the hardships, so I have that. The "anxietal" shift is still in flux, but I'm enjoying the ride now more than ever. I'm much better equipped to say the least. I wonder what shifts are yet to come and I certainly hope to never regress on my forward journey. I'm told that "relapses" are common but I think they will be lesser and lesser as I continue to tackle this thing called life.
I don't know if that comes from trauma or it's just me, but here I am. Somehow, in the past year or so, I've been the easygoing one, and have learned a bit of calm, and it's the people I'm used to being calm that have become more unhinged, or at least appear so. It's so weird. Cue the Stranger Things theme music.
I've been prompting myself to better respond, better handle negativity, and control my reaction rather than let myself be disappointed by the actions of others. It's no easy task but I've found the pay-off to be invaluable to my mental state.
Lately I just remind myself that I have virtually no control over anything anymore. I can control my finances, most aspects of my timing, and my behavior; but I can't make people, even my own child, act how I want or need them to. All I can do is control my reaction to the situation in front of me.
Last year we went on the weekend trip from hell. As a family we hadn't traveled together in years. I was very used to it just being my daughter and I. Also, I refused to let the family step in and control the trip so I did everything myself. It went downhill fast.
I booked us on the worst airline that charged for carry on, which I didn't realize until the day before we left. I put the rental car under my husband's name because I have PTSD and hate driving unfamiliar cars, and he forgot his only credit card so they were mean about upholding the reservation. We got to everything late, we were rushed or tired and because karma is awesome, I got food poisoning...badly.
My husband was in a horrible mood the whole time, he was anxious and very angry and frustrated and on edge. Me? I was like "We'll get there when we get there. We'll call the company and figure it out. We'll stay in touch and see if we can make it happen." I was literally vomiting outside of the church where my cousin was about to be married, and I showed up smiling, holding it together and pushing through because...WHAT ELSE COULD I DO?
In all my years before I had my child, I was the one with panic attacks that needed calming down. I was the over-thinker and one to throw the tantrums. Had I lost the will to scold? Or had a I outgrown it? If anything teaches you how little control you have, it's parenthood! But, really, where was the shift?
Last week my daughter had her first brush with lice, all the puns intended. I have serious lice PTSD issues, no joke, but my daughter was upset enough. My husband was at work. I just had to handle it. In the days after the treatment we are still checking and combing daily. We had't found much but were staying tenacious. My husband wanted to keep her on lock down as if she had chicken pox she could rub on her friends. I got annoyed and felt like, "Hey we have to let the kid have a life. She has been medicated and treated properly, we are maintaining the issue, we can't keep her prisoner. It will be fine."
I wasn't going to punish my kid for some weird rite of passage and we also did everything in our power for now, and could only treat and then use preventative measures going forward. You really do just have to take things one day at a time.
I'm starting to identify my triggers and when I'm most anxious and it's truly eye-opening. Knowing that has helped to calm my busy mind when the chaos creeps up. You'll hear people suggest all the anxiety-quelling tools about mindfulness and meditation but those things are so difficult for me. I do try, but some days are more successful for others. You also have to find what works for you and stick with it, that's my most generic, but best advice.
I don't know when the shift was exactly. We've had such a rough handful of years maybe I can just handle close to anything at this point. Mostly, I just don't have the energy to let everything ruin me anymore. Again, maybe this comes in part of recovery from all the trauma, but every day has it's challenges and let downs. It is up to me and only me as to how I handle them.
In some ways I am so proud and impressed with myself from this shift. I feel like I'm becoming a real grown up. In other ways I wish I hadn't wasted so much time being upset before, but I learned through the hardships, so I have that. The "anxietal" shift is still in flux, but I'm enjoying the ride now more than ever. I'm much better equipped to say the least. I wonder what shifts are yet to come and I certainly hope to never regress on my forward journey. I'm told that "relapses" are common but I think they will be lesser and lesser as I continue to tackle this thing called life.
Monday, March 18, 2019
There's Only So Much You Can Do, And That's Okay
I've always been a social person and now am owning that I'm an introverted extrovert. For as long as I can remember, people have been comfortable talking to me and discussing all the things. It's not that I don't care, I really care about the people in my tribe, but sometimes when we tell each other stuff, I wonder what I'm expected to do with it all.
This isn't a complaint about when you say, "How are you?," and then a friend just completely unloads on you because you're a trusted third party. This is about when someone tells you something that just leaves you feeling like, "What am I actually supposed to do with that information? Is this a cry for help? Should I jump in and give advice?" What do you do?
My closest friends who are well versed in my mental battles usually do a check in, like asking if I can mentally handle some heavy conversations or deep advice sessions or just hear all the complaints, but I think some acquaintances of mine just decided to tell me all the things and it's like leaving someone with a bag of money and walking away...what do I do? Do I share it? Do I keep it to myself?
I work hard on protecting mine and anyone's privacy and not being too gossipy but we all love to talk and share. It's human. I also like to be a good listener and be someone that people feel comfortable around but there are weird lines anymore, and they are often anything but black and white.
This goes along with boundaries and finding where I can be okay around certain things, and were I have to be more self preserving. I've been very aware and very cautious about things on social media platforms because they often welcome responses I'm not equipped for and if I'm giving full disclosure here, the darkness I'm just coming out of is still fresh, real and not completely revealed. I'm healing more and more but it's a struggle nonetheless.
There are certain people you do open up to and talk about anything from gross and weird to what is normal and everything in between so this definitely has nothing to do with that type of thing, but rather it's more of a revelation lately about my personal energy and how it is affected.
Last year I'd taken a step back in being actively pursuant of certain relationships where I felt very much like I was misunderstood and left the interactions feeling inferior. I think some people wanted me to be more grown than I was in that moment or more able to deal with what they were putting down in front of me and I just couldn't, so it left me feeling crappy.
From these interactions came two important things: I realized I need to stand up for my feelings more, and it's also super okay to only be able to do what I can. What I mean is, when a friend of mine is inadvertently compromising my mental capacity, it's MY job to tell them, so they can understand. I can't expect someone to just figure it out. And also, considering what we all have going on that we aren't sharing with people, sometimes there is only so much you can do. Life, and relationships, no matter how simple or complicated, are a tricky business.
I've been overly sensitive to this lately. If I feel pushed in a negative way or just plain not considered by someone, I completely step back. If I feel judged or misunderstood, I withdraw. I feel like when you're in a life state in flux, coming out of trauma and darkness, it's all extremely delicate. The people who saw you in the trauma and now coming out have a better view of the evolution, but those who know nothing of your battles easily judge your now and your then, instead of the journey.
One day I want to be able to write and reveal about my journey and be capable to handle all forms of reaction, but I'm definitely not there yet. For now I just strive to be real about how I handle what is put in front of me, no matter how confusing.
I have a friend that I met in a family crisis. She tried to help and was kind but I would never say we really know each other. We've shared some social events and time with our children but aren't close. She came to me during a rough time and asked for help, and in an attempt to be a good Christian person, I totally let down my walls and gave her a hand.
It wasn't a negative experience but it was a stressful and awkward one. She wasn't telling me the whole story, and she didn't have to, but it made things difficult. As she has shared snippets of the entire story, it just left me more confused wondering what do I make of all this? I had to let it go and be okay with the fact that I tried to give her what she needed and I can only do that and leave it there.
I'm not a person that gives up on people or just ghosts them. I've never just decided "I'm so done with you; you're gone." However, I have become more cautious and stopped perpetuating relationships I'm unsure of and just let them fall as they should. This isn't to say, "If I don't text you and we don't hang out, I don't care," but rather I'm learning which relationships I'm carrying and putting more effort into, than the opposing party.
Friendships are just as difficult as romantic relationships and after I had my daughter I became very timid and afraid to talk to certain people for fear of being judged because of our life circumstances and parenting choices. As things became worse in my home life, I began to struggle with the fact that everyone knew me as one way, pre-baby, and because I was struggling so much, I wasn't much of that person anymore.
Losing yourself in the hardships of life is so difficult and heart-breaking. Making a comeback is even more-so. You want to just tell everyone exactly how it was, but there's so much fear, shame and guilt so you can easily withdraw. I've realized now when people end up just opening a proverbial can of worms upon me, that it's better I tell them, "I'm unsure of the best response or how to help," than to just hide and avoid the awkwardness. I try to respond respectfully but am often left in the mental limbo of wondering what exactly to do.
Sometimes these situations and questions can mess me up for awhile, but more and more I just keep reminding myself, there's only so much I can do, and that's completely okay. When I see friends post about struggles I just try and open the door to let them know that I can hear them if they need an ear. And whatever they say I do my best to be open, but most often the best I can offer is just acknowledging the struggle and wishing they weren't in that situation or maybe say a few prayers for them.
It's been a rough realization but it is completely okay to be able to only do so much. We are overextended in every way these days, and we can't fix each other and take care of ourselves. We have to find the balance between self preservation and being a supportive friend as those lines are completely hazy.
For today I can just own that I do my very best to be a good friend in any situation, no matter how awkward. For tomorrow it will be more of the same.
This isn't a complaint about when you say, "How are you?," and then a friend just completely unloads on you because you're a trusted third party. This is about when someone tells you something that just leaves you feeling like, "What am I actually supposed to do with that information? Is this a cry for help? Should I jump in and give advice?" What do you do?
My closest friends who are well versed in my mental battles usually do a check in, like asking if I can mentally handle some heavy conversations or deep advice sessions or just hear all the complaints, but I think some acquaintances of mine just decided to tell me all the things and it's like leaving someone with a bag of money and walking away...what do I do? Do I share it? Do I keep it to myself?
I work hard on protecting mine and anyone's privacy and not being too gossipy but we all love to talk and share. It's human. I also like to be a good listener and be someone that people feel comfortable around but there are weird lines anymore, and they are often anything but black and white.
This goes along with boundaries and finding where I can be okay around certain things, and were I have to be more self preserving. I've been very aware and very cautious about things on social media platforms because they often welcome responses I'm not equipped for and if I'm giving full disclosure here, the darkness I'm just coming out of is still fresh, real and not completely revealed. I'm healing more and more but it's a struggle nonetheless.
There are certain people you do open up to and talk about anything from gross and weird to what is normal and everything in between so this definitely has nothing to do with that type of thing, but rather it's more of a revelation lately about my personal energy and how it is affected.
Last year I'd taken a step back in being actively pursuant of certain relationships where I felt very much like I was misunderstood and left the interactions feeling inferior. I think some people wanted me to be more grown than I was in that moment or more able to deal with what they were putting down in front of me and I just couldn't, so it left me feeling crappy.
From these interactions came two important things: I realized I need to stand up for my feelings more, and it's also super okay to only be able to do what I can. What I mean is, when a friend of mine is inadvertently compromising my mental capacity, it's MY job to tell them, so they can understand. I can't expect someone to just figure it out. And also, considering what we all have going on that we aren't sharing with people, sometimes there is only so much you can do. Life, and relationships, no matter how simple or complicated, are a tricky business.
I've been overly sensitive to this lately. If I feel pushed in a negative way or just plain not considered by someone, I completely step back. If I feel judged or misunderstood, I withdraw. I feel like when you're in a life state in flux, coming out of trauma and darkness, it's all extremely delicate. The people who saw you in the trauma and now coming out have a better view of the evolution, but those who know nothing of your battles easily judge your now and your then, instead of the journey.
One day I want to be able to write and reveal about my journey and be capable to handle all forms of reaction, but I'm definitely not there yet. For now I just strive to be real about how I handle what is put in front of me, no matter how confusing.
I have a friend that I met in a family crisis. She tried to help and was kind but I would never say we really know each other. We've shared some social events and time with our children but aren't close. She came to me during a rough time and asked for help, and in an attempt to be a good Christian person, I totally let down my walls and gave her a hand.
It wasn't a negative experience but it was a stressful and awkward one. She wasn't telling me the whole story, and she didn't have to, but it made things difficult. As she has shared snippets of the entire story, it just left me more confused wondering what do I make of all this? I had to let it go and be okay with the fact that I tried to give her what she needed and I can only do that and leave it there.
I'm not a person that gives up on people or just ghosts them. I've never just decided "I'm so done with you; you're gone." However, I have become more cautious and stopped perpetuating relationships I'm unsure of and just let them fall as they should. This isn't to say, "If I don't text you and we don't hang out, I don't care," but rather I'm learning which relationships I'm carrying and putting more effort into, than the opposing party.
Friendships are just as difficult as romantic relationships and after I had my daughter I became very timid and afraid to talk to certain people for fear of being judged because of our life circumstances and parenting choices. As things became worse in my home life, I began to struggle with the fact that everyone knew me as one way, pre-baby, and because I was struggling so much, I wasn't much of that person anymore.
Losing yourself in the hardships of life is so difficult and heart-breaking. Making a comeback is even more-so. You want to just tell everyone exactly how it was, but there's so much fear, shame and guilt so you can easily withdraw. I've realized now when people end up just opening a proverbial can of worms upon me, that it's better I tell them, "I'm unsure of the best response or how to help," than to just hide and avoid the awkwardness. I try to respond respectfully but am often left in the mental limbo of wondering what exactly to do.
Sometimes these situations and questions can mess me up for awhile, but more and more I just keep reminding myself, there's only so much I can do, and that's completely okay. When I see friends post about struggles I just try and open the door to let them know that I can hear them if they need an ear. And whatever they say I do my best to be open, but most often the best I can offer is just acknowledging the struggle and wishing they weren't in that situation or maybe say a few prayers for them.
It's been a rough realization but it is completely okay to be able to only do so much. We are overextended in every way these days, and we can't fix each other and take care of ourselves. We have to find the balance between self preservation and being a supportive friend as those lines are completely hazy.
For today I can just own that I do my very best to be a good friend in any situation, no matter how awkward. For tomorrow it will be more of the same.
Wednesday, March 13, 2019
Let's Get Serious And Talk About...Serving Sizes
This is a real discussion people...excuse my french but serving sizes these days, are BULLSHIT. No, seriously, we need to reevaluate our consumer lives I think.I have struggled with weight, I DO struggle with my weight, and I've had many a battle with food issues. But yesterday it sparked something blog-worthy.
Yesterday I started to feel off. I've been very conscious about what I'm eating and that I'm eating properly. Some may call me a food extremist because I can eat everything or nothing and still function, granted some ways of functioning are better than others. Nowadays, it's about paying attention to what I'm actually eating, how much of it and when I'm munching.
It's been easier than I thought, and productive. So I had a great breakfast and packed some apple sauce, some veggies and then some more fruit. My stomach started getting crampy, so of course I went for the banana to ease this early on. When water wouldn't help it to chill out, I broke out the apple sauce. By lunch it was still unhappy and I had to run to Publix anyway so I got myself a small to go pack of Cheez-Its:
The bag says, "Grab N Go." It's roughly the same size as a sandwich bag, maybe smaller. It was just $1.00, I hadn't had them in a long time and yay for salt! There was a 150 calorie count on the front under my thumb but what I looked at on the back was that they consider this "Grab N Go" bag to be 3 servings. THREE SERVINGS in this bag. Let me ask you, who is buying this bag to revisit once a day for 3 days? Because that person is an intensely specific, careful person!
So as you can see, the entire bag is 430 calories, which is roughly the same amount of calories as a breakfast bagel. This is just considered a snack. I got weirdly annoyed by this and it sparked this whole question of, how are we supposed to be "healthy" when Grab and Go snacks have the same calorie count as a small meal?
We live in a world with endless brands, choices and opportunities. There is gluten free, vegan, real cheese, processed cheese, fat free, low fat, no trans fat, reduced fat, etc, etc. It can be overwhelming, as life is already overwhelming. Trying to maintain the idea of "healthy" is ever-changing and really hard, in my opinion.
It's like in the 50's you had bacon, eggs, ham, toast and orange juice for just breakfast but everyone smoked cigarettes and looked trim! Now it's egg whites only or a super sized Big Mac meal with a Diet Coke and all the different sweeteners give you cancer. How can we keep up?
Full disclosure, I inhaled the entire Grab and Go pack, I mean, it was on the label to Grab and Go, I was just following directions. But also, my body needed something to calm it down. I used to do calorie and points count for weight watchers but I discovered that, for me, counting calories and points and getting on the scale so often created more unhealthy habits as a result. So I just found comfort with moderation. I can have a damned cupcake, I can't have 3. I can have a glass of wine, not a bottle.
But I stared at this package and thought, this is what's wrong with everyone being unhealthy; on the front it says 150 and in tiny tiny letters it discloses, "per serving" and then the back it shows you all the negative nutrition facts. It's like when you go to Starbucks and all of the calories are in huge numbers next to the price and name. You practically pay a penny a calorie for the latte anymore. This is why I switched to just black coffee. Less to obsess about, more caffeine.
I happen to have an extraordinarily horrible metabolism. It's the worst. I'm one bad test away from hyperthyroidism on the low end, but still. I work out hard, to be able to eat what I want...within reason. So I had some pangs of guilt with each Cheez-It but they were delicious and calmed my stomach so, win.
This calorie stuff bugged me. Sometimes I just don't want to know. I used to LOVE the caramel apple cider at Starbucks in the winter on a cold afternoon. When I was on weight watchers, I found out it was 8 points and like 800 calories. I could have 3 cans of soup and still not use that many calories. I will never drink one again. Sometimes I wish I never knew it was an evil yet delicious drink.
There are many ways in which it's important to know what you're putting into your body, especially with chemicals and preservatives and all, but can't we just have some buffalo chicken egg rolls without punishment? I just want the chocolate mousse without the side of guilt. Food is so awesome, let's stop shaming, shall we?
At and old job, I was working super hard on losing weight, and I got a serious public eating phobia. I had to be seen by these guys as the healthy person, I couldn't inhale Chik-Fil-A along side them. I had to look like the healthy girl. So I starved myself during my shifts a lot or just ate granola bars and a smoothie. It was not fun.
We are in a body positive place now more than ever, and it makes my heart happy because I want everyone to eat what they want, but there are definitely consequences when you do, and you have to be able to accept them. I do think that all of the calorie stuff, nutrition facts and serving sizes are poorly explained and marketed. These days I feel like we need need a class just to break this down for people because it's all a little crazy.
If you think about it, one meal at McDonald's is an entire day's calorie count or more, but will still leave you hungry. Some drinks could qualify as a meal's worth of calories. Keeping track can feel defeating at times and often, unfair. Every once in awhile a milkshake is due! We can splurge, just not every night. And finding that balance is so hard.
This is why "Cheat" days are a thing and they don't work for me personally, because I can pack a lot away in a day. I'd rather just be mindful of what I'm actually eating and allow myself a dessert or two when it occurs than shove it all into one day and starve myself the rest of the week. "Oh man I can't have that bread because Saturday I ate a whole loaf and then a cake, better stick with just lemon water and broth;" that's how it goes in my mind!
I used to think I could eat what I want and lose weight. Not so much. I made some pretty intense changes to allow for the occasional cupcake and a few glasses of wine. As you get older, workouts get harder, and you need to change up routines. But 400 some calories in Cheez-Its from time to time is worth an extra lap or two, in my opinion.
I'm not saying we need to individually package each serving and waste resources and plastic but I think it should be much easier to be healthy. From organic food being more expensive, to gym memberships being costly, to junk food seemingly being "always on sale" it's kind of a lot to expect us to adhere to serving sizes and put our money where our mouths are, so to speak. It takes a lot of effort to be conscientious.
So while this may come out as a bitter whining diatribe about first world problems, for me it is kind of a cry out of, "Can we make living healthy lifestyles, no matter what your size or preference, EASIER, and less stressful please?" I'm sure not everyone sits there, sees the serving size and thinks..."so do I not eat the whole thing even though I'm starving and it won't be good later, or do I eat the whole thing and then drink a lot of water the rest of the day?," but for those of us who already have an entire realm of food-related issues, it shouldn't be such a mental wrestling match. LET US EAT CAKE!
And while serving sizes are necessary, they feel pretty ridiculous lately. I mean two girl scout cookies are a serving size and like 200 calories, but don't lie to me and tell me you don't eat a whole ROW of them from the package. THEY ARE GIRL SCOUT COOKIES! Let's just be real people, and give us real servings, serving sizes and calorie counts, up front! Or we could make it funny, like "Eat the row and that's the same as bacon and eggs, just have a handful and you're good." I always opt for funny.
Parks and Rec's whole satire around Paunch Burger, the sugar and the sodas was so insanely funny, because it's entirely too true! In contrast, they had an episode where they had to make Kale and Chard, "sexy," and Leslie admitted how gross healthy food could be. We need to improve upon that but also allow ourselves to love and enjoy food. It is the spice of life, after all. Or is that something else.
So after this whole post, I bring us this, let's be conscious but not completely insane about serving sizes and allow everything in moderation. And now I ask that all of the food companies actually make serving sizes realistic because if you call it a grab and go bag that highly suggests a single serving. At least at McDonald's when you super size something, you know what you're getting. So Oreos, Snack Crackers and Junk Food alike, let's be real, just put the calorie counts of the whole bag on there so we know what we're up against. Even Starbucks tells you how many calories in a pumpkin spice latte, no matter how depressing. They don't expect you to condense 20oz into two servings.
Down off the weird soapbox, or perhaps food crate, I go!
Yesterday I started to feel off. I've been very conscious about what I'm eating and that I'm eating properly. Some may call me a food extremist because I can eat everything or nothing and still function, granted some ways of functioning are better than others. Nowadays, it's about paying attention to what I'm actually eating, how much of it and when I'm munching.
It's been easier than I thought, and productive. So I had a great breakfast and packed some apple sauce, some veggies and then some more fruit. My stomach started getting crampy, so of course I went for the banana to ease this early on. When water wouldn't help it to chill out, I broke out the apple sauce. By lunch it was still unhappy and I had to run to Publix anyway so I got myself a small to go pack of Cheez-Its:
So as you can see, the entire bag is 430 calories, which is roughly the same amount of calories as a breakfast bagel. This is just considered a snack. I got weirdly annoyed by this and it sparked this whole question of, how are we supposed to be "healthy" when Grab and Go snacks have the same calorie count as a small meal?
We live in a world with endless brands, choices and opportunities. There is gluten free, vegan, real cheese, processed cheese, fat free, low fat, no trans fat, reduced fat, etc, etc. It can be overwhelming, as life is already overwhelming. Trying to maintain the idea of "healthy" is ever-changing and really hard, in my opinion.
It's like in the 50's you had bacon, eggs, ham, toast and orange juice for just breakfast but everyone smoked cigarettes and looked trim! Now it's egg whites only or a super sized Big Mac meal with a Diet Coke and all the different sweeteners give you cancer. How can we keep up?
Full disclosure, I inhaled the entire Grab and Go pack, I mean, it was on the label to Grab and Go, I was just following directions. But also, my body needed something to calm it down. I used to do calorie and points count for weight watchers but I discovered that, for me, counting calories and points and getting on the scale so often created more unhealthy habits as a result. So I just found comfort with moderation. I can have a damned cupcake, I can't have 3. I can have a glass of wine, not a bottle.
But I stared at this package and thought, this is what's wrong with everyone being unhealthy; on the front it says 150 and in tiny tiny letters it discloses, "per serving" and then the back it shows you all the negative nutrition facts. It's like when you go to Starbucks and all of the calories are in huge numbers next to the price and name. You practically pay a penny a calorie for the latte anymore. This is why I switched to just black coffee. Less to obsess about, more caffeine.
I happen to have an extraordinarily horrible metabolism. It's the worst. I'm one bad test away from hyperthyroidism on the low end, but still. I work out hard, to be able to eat what I want...within reason. So I had some pangs of guilt with each Cheez-It but they were delicious and calmed my stomach so, win.
This calorie stuff bugged me. Sometimes I just don't want to know. I used to LOVE the caramel apple cider at Starbucks in the winter on a cold afternoon. When I was on weight watchers, I found out it was 8 points and like 800 calories. I could have 3 cans of soup and still not use that many calories. I will never drink one again. Sometimes I wish I never knew it was an evil yet delicious drink.
There are many ways in which it's important to know what you're putting into your body, especially with chemicals and preservatives and all, but can't we just have some buffalo chicken egg rolls without punishment? I just want the chocolate mousse without the side of guilt. Food is so awesome, let's stop shaming, shall we?
At and old job, I was working super hard on losing weight, and I got a serious public eating phobia. I had to be seen by these guys as the healthy person, I couldn't inhale Chik-Fil-A along side them. I had to look like the healthy girl. So I starved myself during my shifts a lot or just ate granola bars and a smoothie. It was not fun.
We are in a body positive place now more than ever, and it makes my heart happy because I want everyone to eat what they want, but there are definitely consequences when you do, and you have to be able to accept them. I do think that all of the calorie stuff, nutrition facts and serving sizes are poorly explained and marketed. These days I feel like we need need a class just to break this down for people because it's all a little crazy.
If you think about it, one meal at McDonald's is an entire day's calorie count or more, but will still leave you hungry. Some drinks could qualify as a meal's worth of calories. Keeping track can feel defeating at times and often, unfair. Every once in awhile a milkshake is due! We can splurge, just not every night. And finding that balance is so hard.
This is why "Cheat" days are a thing and they don't work for me personally, because I can pack a lot away in a day. I'd rather just be mindful of what I'm actually eating and allow myself a dessert or two when it occurs than shove it all into one day and starve myself the rest of the week. "Oh man I can't have that bread because Saturday I ate a whole loaf and then a cake, better stick with just lemon water and broth;" that's how it goes in my mind!
I used to think I could eat what I want and lose weight. Not so much. I made some pretty intense changes to allow for the occasional cupcake and a few glasses of wine. As you get older, workouts get harder, and you need to change up routines. But 400 some calories in Cheez-Its from time to time is worth an extra lap or two, in my opinion.
I'm not saying we need to individually package each serving and waste resources and plastic but I think it should be much easier to be healthy. From organic food being more expensive, to gym memberships being costly, to junk food seemingly being "always on sale" it's kind of a lot to expect us to adhere to serving sizes and put our money where our mouths are, so to speak. It takes a lot of effort to be conscientious.
So while this may come out as a bitter whining diatribe about first world problems, for me it is kind of a cry out of, "Can we make living healthy lifestyles, no matter what your size or preference, EASIER, and less stressful please?" I'm sure not everyone sits there, sees the serving size and thinks..."so do I not eat the whole thing even though I'm starving and it won't be good later, or do I eat the whole thing and then drink a lot of water the rest of the day?," but for those of us who already have an entire realm of food-related issues, it shouldn't be such a mental wrestling match. LET US EAT CAKE!
And while serving sizes are necessary, they feel pretty ridiculous lately. I mean two girl scout cookies are a serving size and like 200 calories, but don't lie to me and tell me you don't eat a whole ROW of them from the package. THEY ARE GIRL SCOUT COOKIES! Let's just be real people, and give us real servings, serving sizes and calorie counts, up front! Or we could make it funny, like "Eat the row and that's the same as bacon and eggs, just have a handful and you're good." I always opt for funny.
Parks and Rec's whole satire around Paunch Burger, the sugar and the sodas was so insanely funny, because it's entirely too true! In contrast, they had an episode where they had to make Kale and Chard, "sexy," and Leslie admitted how gross healthy food could be. We need to improve upon that but also allow ourselves to love and enjoy food. It is the spice of life, after all. Or is that something else.
So after this whole post, I bring us this, let's be conscious but not completely insane about serving sizes and allow everything in moderation. And now I ask that all of the food companies actually make serving sizes realistic because if you call it a grab and go bag that highly suggests a single serving. At least at McDonald's when you super size something, you know what you're getting. So Oreos, Snack Crackers and Junk Food alike, let's be real, just put the calorie counts of the whole bag on there so we know what we're up against. Even Starbucks tells you how many calories in a pumpkin spice latte, no matter how depressing. They don't expect you to condense 20oz into two servings.
Down off the weird soapbox, or perhaps food crate, I go!
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