There's Only So Much You Can Do, And That's Okay

I've always been a social person and now am owning that I'm an introverted extrovert. For as long as I can remember, people have been comfortable talking to me and discussing all the things. It's not that I don't care, I really care about the people in my tribe, but sometimes when we tell each other stuff, I wonder what I'm expected to do with it all.

This isn't a complaint about when you say, "How are you?," and then a friend just completely unloads on you because you're a trusted third party. This is about when someone tells you something that just leaves you feeling like, "What am I actually supposed to do with that information? Is this a cry for help? Should I jump in and give advice?" What do you do?

My closest friends who are well versed in my mental battles usually do a check in, like asking if I can mentally handle some heavy conversations or deep advice sessions or just hear all the complaints, but I think some acquaintances of mine just decided to tell me all the things and it's like leaving someone with a bag of money and walking away...what do I do? Do I share it? Do I keep it to myself?

I work hard on protecting mine and anyone's privacy and not being too gossipy but we all love to talk and share. It's human. I also like to be a good listener and be someone that people feel comfortable around but there are weird lines anymore, and they are often anything but black and white.

This goes along with boundaries and finding where I can be okay around certain things, and were I have to be more self preserving. I've been very aware and very cautious about things on social media platforms because they often welcome responses I'm not equipped for and if I'm giving full disclosure here, the darkness I'm just coming out of is still fresh, real and not completely revealed. I'm healing more and more but it's a struggle nonetheless.

There are certain people you do open up to and talk about anything from gross and weird to what is normal and everything in between so this definitely has nothing to do with that type of thing, but rather it's more of a revelation lately about my personal energy and how it is affected.

Last year I'd taken a step back in being actively pursuant of certain relationships where I felt very much like I was misunderstood and left the interactions feeling inferior. I think some people wanted me to be more grown than I was in that moment or more able to deal with what they were putting down in front of me and I just couldn't, so it left me feeling crappy.

From these interactions came two important things: I realized I need to stand up for my feelings more, and it's also super okay to only be able to do what I can. What I mean is, when a friend of mine is inadvertently compromising my mental capacity, it's MY job to tell them, so they can understand. I can't expect someone to just figure it out. And also, considering what we all have going on that we aren't sharing with people, sometimes there is only so much you can do. Life, and relationships, no matter how simple or complicated, are a tricky business.

I've been overly sensitive to this lately. If I feel pushed in a negative way or just plain not considered by someone, I completely step back. If I feel judged or misunderstood, I withdraw. I feel like when you're in a life state in flux, coming out of trauma and darkness, it's all extremely delicate. The people who saw you in the trauma and now coming out have a better view of the evolution, but those who know nothing of your battles easily judge your now and your then, instead of the journey.

One day I want to be able to write and reveal about my journey and be capable to handle all forms of reaction, but I'm definitely not there yet. For now I just strive to be real about how I handle what is put in front of me, no matter how confusing.

I have a friend that I met in a family crisis. She tried to help and was kind but I would never say we really know each other. We've shared some social events and time with our children but aren't close. She came to me during a rough time and asked for help, and in an attempt to be a good Christian person, I totally let down my walls and gave her a hand.

It wasn't a negative experience but it was a stressful and awkward one. She wasn't telling me the whole story, and she didn't have to, but it made things difficult. As she has shared snippets of the entire story, it just left me more confused wondering what do I make of all this? I had to let it go and be okay with the fact that I tried to give her what she needed and I can only do that and leave it there.

I'm not a person that gives up on people or just ghosts them. I've never just decided "I'm so done with you; you're gone." However, I have become more cautious and stopped perpetuating relationships I'm unsure of and just let them fall as they should. This isn't to say, "If I don't text you and we don't hang out, I don't care," but rather I'm learning which relationships I'm carrying and putting more effort into, than the opposing party.

Friendships are just as difficult as romantic relationships and after I had my daughter I became very timid and afraid to talk to certain people for fear of being judged because of our life circumstances and parenting choices. As things became worse in my home life, I began to struggle with the fact that everyone knew me as one way, pre-baby, and because I was struggling so much, I wasn't much of that person anymore.

Losing yourself in the hardships of life is so difficult and heart-breaking. Making a comeback is even more-so. You want to just tell everyone exactly how it was, but there's so much fear, shame and guilt so you can easily withdraw. I've realized now when people end up just opening a proverbial can of worms upon me, that it's better I tell them, "I'm unsure of the best response or how to help," than to just hide and avoid the awkwardness. I try to respond respectfully but am often left in the mental limbo of wondering what exactly to do.

Sometimes these situations and questions can mess me up for awhile, but more and more I just keep reminding myself, there's only so much I can do, and that's completely okay. When I see friends post about struggles I just try and open the door to let them know that I can hear them if they need an ear. And whatever they say I do my best to be open, but most often the best I can offer is just acknowledging the struggle and wishing they weren't in that situation or maybe say a few prayers for them.

It's been a rough realization but it is completely okay to be able to only do so much. We are overextended in every way these days, and we can't fix each other and take care of ourselves. We have to find the balance between self preservation and being a supportive friend as those lines are completely hazy.

For today I can just own that I do my very best to be a good friend in any situation, no matter how awkward. For tomorrow it will be more of the same.

In Remembrance Of Luke Perry - My Twenty-Something, 90210 Late-Comer Obsession Will Live In Infamy

It's become a running joke between my dad and I that he notoriously allowed me to watch completely age inappropriate things from about the time I was 7 and on. I wasn't allowed to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was 5 because it promoted violence and fighting, but watched Pretty Woman with my parents when I was 8. Hmmm; not the best judgment.

At the hands of my entire family I was exposed to highly inappropriate movies, shows and themes, but because I was preacher's kid and completely naive, most of the innuendos went way over my head. I watch these movies now and I'm like...um wow!

Anyway, one show on my dad's radar that was kept from me was 90210. When this show hit it big, I was still a Saved By The Bell, Full House, and TGIF kinda girl and also slightly younger than the audience that got to it first. My dad never let me watch it calling it, "Soap Opera crap" and then muttering something about Tori Spelling's lack of talent. 

So, I never watched 90210 in it's prime or all it's cool, trendy glory. In fact, I didn't discover it until the summer after my 16th birthday when it was in syndication with soap operas on the likes of Fox, CBS, FX or some such. I was home alone a lot when I lived with my mom, so I started watching re-runs.

Finding them in the order of how the show progressed was tough, as it may have been still producing new seasons at this time, but I loved all the drama. And I recognized some of the actors from other things on my radar.

I didn't get into it again until I was 23. We were living with my aunt and I was finishing college. She had "the good cable," and 90210 was on 2 hours a day. I happened to be in between full time jobs and home to "study," often with the house to myself while it was on. I had just so happened to have caught it starting the cycle again. I was hooked and it became part of my daily routine. I got up early to go to spin and classes, then came home to reboot before my afternoon classes, and there it was!

Funny fact that I JUST remembered: I was actually watching 90210 when Eben called me into another room to propose to me. I was annoyed that he was bothering me because I was "watching my stories" as we used to make fun. Spoiler alert: I said yes!

Now I was still never home enough to catch the whole series so I was left with all kinds of plot holes and trying to figure out what events came when in chronology. Remember this was still WAY before Netflix, Hulu and any sort of availability to watch whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted.

Fast forward another 3 years and we are renting my favorite apartment and living large with the good cable in Florida. My work schedule allows me to 90210 binge-watch on FX before my closing shifts and I'm obsessed. The pug and I curled up and devoured every juicy moment. I was a die hard team Dylan and Brenda girl, but the Kelly stuff was compelling, I will admit.

Fast forward again to me at age 28, and having my daughter. After a rough first 6 weeks of life, which I've referenced a few times in my blogging before, I had never been so happy to be home and breastfeeding on my couch. Despite all the studies on TV making your child an idiot, I watched an insane amount of Netflix, movies, and series when I was up at night breastfeeding and throughout my days at home. Sorry not sorry, it kept me sane. And that was when it all happened.

On my maternity leave, 90210 aired for 4 hours a day; two hours in the morning and two in the afternoon. The played in order and the series had just begun. I was only like 4 episodes in, and I had seen those before, so I knew. Every day Luna and I would tune into the drama. Steve, Andrea, Brandon, Kelly, Brenda, Donna, David, Valerie, Ray, Noah, the guest stars, the touching episodes, the bad corny ones, they were ALL THERE.

Because of being a stay at home breastfeeding mother I was able to watch all of 90210 and fall in love with Dylan McKay like the rest of them. Even so close to thirty I was hooked and, in my opinion, it was better late than never! So if you think about it, thanks to Luna I achieved my 16 year-old-self's goals and dreams of devouring that entire series. Go me!

So yesterday, when the news of Luke Perry's passing was posted on every social media outlet it, made me really sad. This happened just after last week they spoke about a possible re-boot of the series. Luke Perry was definitely known for his portrayal of the heart-throb, bad boy, Dylan McKay, but I also loved him as the leather clad hero in Buffy the Vampire slayer, the movie not the show, and he made an appearance in one of my favorite episodes of the highly underrated show, Raising Hope. 

He was a talented actor. And he was only 52! But what surprised me is so many of my mom friends were like, super depressed and affected by the loss. For most of them, this was their first serious celebrity crush and his passing is like the end of an era. Here we are, grown up, adulting, and some of us raising girls of our own and Luke Perry's death not only brings to light how old we are, or how short life is, but maybe also that our teenage years are just super gone now. Times have changed a lot, and always will.

It's sad to think his family lost him, but I just know there are so many women completely heartbroken that their first TV love is gone, may he rest in peace. The posters, the teen mags, the fan letters, and I think they had Barbie-like dolls and collectible things are all in remembrance of him. 

For me, he will live on forever through the likes of Hulu and I'm sure I'll bait Luna into watching it someday so she can make fun of me. But for now, and at least for me, 90210 will be that weird series that epitomized my late-bloomer status in life and allowed me to fall for that rebel without a cause like the rest of them, even in my almost-30 postpartum days. 

You'll find me binge-watching 90210, going back to West Beverly High on Hulu as my way of paying my respects. Thanks for everything Luke Perry!

Drama Or Trauma? Is There A Fine Line?

Merriam Webster defines trauma as: 

1a: an injury (such as a wound) to living tissue caused by an extrinsic agent

b: a disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury

c: an emotional upset

2: an agent, force, or mechanism that causes trauma

Merriam Webster defines drama as: 

1aliterature : a composition in verse or prose intended to portray life or character or to tell a story usually involving conflicts and emotions through action and dialogue and typically designed for theatrical performance 

b: a movie or television production with characteristics (such as conflict) of a serious playbroadly : a play, movie, or television production with a serious tone or subject

2literature : dramatic art, literature, or affairs

3a: a state, situation, or series of events involving interesting or intense conflict of forces

b: dramatic state, effect, or quality

Interesting isn't it? So here we are, all educated and I'm going to reveal what may come out as some serious stupidity on my part: I had to be told that what I had been through was actually "trauma" and not just personal "drama."

As women we are often painted as "dramatic" or "drama queens." We are told to "Save the drama for your mama." It's all a little ridiculous. Look at that definition - "a state, situation or series of events involving interesting or intense conflict of forces." What is trauma? "An emotional upset."

Is the difference simply all that pop culture conjecture that people "thrive on drama," or are "surrounded by drama" because it is "interesting, intense conflict," and that trauma is just "emotional?" 

See when I faced my "trauma," for me, I had just labeled it, "Yeah, I've seen some shit," or "Sometimes bad things just happen," but it was brought to my attention that my intense conflict of forces, if you will, had caused some emotional upset.

It would be easy to say there is a fine line; easy to act as though they coincide. Maybe in some ways they do, but here is what I want to share: my trauma is not drama to peak your interest.

The other day I said you have to "know your audience." Some people love gossip and they can't wait to hear about the trials of others. They will enjoy when you share hardships. Guess what? I've been there, when my drama was a facade for the trauma, that was me.

Also, focusing on the problems of others is a great way to ignore your own. More true cliches coming your way readers!

I'm still owning and confronting my traumas. Some are more palatable than others. The car accident? That is trauma people can get behind and the story is pure, grade A dramatic. When you start talking about marriage challenges, addiction, alcoholism, parenting, money, and family troubles, your audience shrinks and sometimes that is too much trauma and not enough drama. 

Sometimes I do feel completely dumb that I never saw the difference in the two. Sometimes I understand why I'd avoided it all this time because now I see everything is heavy and uncomfortable. 

I've found that now, when I try to explain my trauma, strange triggers come out or I lose control of my emotions trying to describe what situations were like. I remember telling a close friend something I found humiliating and being met with silence in response to what I had just revealed. Immediately, as if a reflex, I said "I'm sorry, this is stupid I shouldn't even talk about it." The retort? " It's not dumb, stop being so hard on yourself. I'm just listening."

What is that quote and cliche about we do not listen to hear, we listen waiting to respond? Something like that? Yeah, drama, trauma...listening and how we respond; the differences can be intense, right?

Confiding in ANYONE is so difficult. Confiding in someone you don't want to look "bad" in front of or you fear "judgment" from? If you're like me you've gotten used to just staying quiet. Why rock the boat?

Okay, enough on the soapbox right? Here is the point. We write things off as drama. How many things are we writing off that are a form of a cry for help? When I got called out as a hater a few years ago, I know understand it was just me getting angry at the world because my personal situation was spinning. Complaining and being snarky was my way of trying to ask for some support. Epic fail. 

When I've been told to be careful with the "struggling posts" and talking about what I'm going through? There is some merit to that but perhaps I'm just trying to let ANYONE else know that, guess what, your trauma is more than just drama, and you're not alone.

This isn't to say that you just sit there and let people dump their problems on you and listen when your friend is being irrational or even really insensitive. This is to say that in the midst of the drama, you take a moment to consider the trauma that may be behind that veil, no matter how thin. Let's let a friend vent and practice really listening. Because if you aren't equipped to take it ALL in, you can support that person to talk to a pastor, a counselor, therapist, etc., etc! But the difference between trauma and drama is quite a lot, don't get it twisted!

Please comment, DM me or email me if you'd like to talk more about this, I'd be happy to share some more personal experiences in an effort to help any reader!