Boundary Bound

I don't know why it's so difficult. Perhaps for some it's completely simple. For me, boundaries are tough. I don't believe that I disrespect the boundaries of others, but rather have the most difficult time making and enforcing my own.

It's almost October of 2019 and I think that I can safely dub 2019 as Alison's year of bounding towards boundaries. There are many helpful quotes and memes about boundaries, and these are often the posts I make on Instagram when struggling:

Fixing others has become less and less of a priority. Two years ago I reset my focus to just us three and started being completely honest about how we were working, trying and healing and anything that was a deterrent needed to go.

The saying no stuff? This has been infinitely more difficult. My biggest triumph was saying no to volunteering situations that made me stressed, unfulfilled and anxious. Now I have to learn to say no to negativity, and to not giving into the whims of others. Which leads us to "It's not my job to take responsibility for others." I am responsible for my daughter, my husband, my dog and myself. As far as the rest of you, you're on your own, I'm afraid.

Not having to anticipate the needs for others? If there was an award for worst at this, I might just win. I overthink what others might think and overthink to ready myself for all reactions, rationales and in-actions of others. Most of it is a weird self-preservation thing but mostly I just want to be "ready" for how others could affect me. I had an evening this past week where I didn't anticipate what a scenario could morph into and it hit me like a ton of bricks emotionally. This is all something I need more work on.

Nobody has to agree with me. I can actually agree with that. I don't feel the need that we all agree but I do still seek validation from people who have invalidated me in the past. This one is a struggle but a workable situation and it's something that I've paid close attention to.

The being responsible for my own happiness? I see the multifaceted-ness of that and it leaves it open for interpretation in my mind. The concept of happiness is a dangerous one to me. I think you're responsible for being mindful and present in your world and that is how you create calm and comfort, call it happy or not. I think some goal to be "happy" is slightly unrealistic because the ups and downs of life make us resilient, keep us growing and are also a huge part of healing trauma. This one is my least favorite on the list so far.

I have a right to my own feelings. Ughhhhh. I suck at this one too. You know I actually had to have my therapist tell me, I'm ALLOWED to feel what I feel? I recently listened to someone pour out their feelings to me and just took it all in because I had so loved knowing that I was allowed to feel things and I wanted to pass that on to someone else.

I have a right to express my needs honestly. This one is also a huge personal struggle because, especially as a woman we get the crap end of the stick I feel. A right to express my needs; well we all have a RIGHT to expression here in 'Murica. A right to express my feelings honestly? I mean I may have that right but how well received would it actually be? That would be my main concern. You can say what you need all the time, doesn't mean you'll be heard. 

Lastly, "I am enough." I think everyone struggles with that one, honestly. Enough of what, exactly? Boundaries are rough and so is that feeling of being "enough" in any sense. We build these walls in one way or another and then often can't see through them or even over the top. 

Being enough is probably an entire series of entries. We have some days where we feel enough and others where we feel inferior, less than and barely put together. Putting up boundaries is healthy but often easier said than done. When I work with boundaries, I always feel so happy when they serve me but immediately feel defeat if I don't get them to turn out as I'd hoped. There's a learning curve and a constant balancing act. 

I know I'm bound to figure out these boundaries someday. Sometimes I feel like I need many, many more and I'm bounded by being boundary-less! Other days I'm so ready to be the bountiful boundary woman with super boundary powers! I just hope it gets easier as I handle this whole adulting thing. Regardless, the blog will be full of reports all about it I'm sure!

Family Boundaries Are Beyond Difficult

Family stuff is hard. And that's putting it lightly. I can think of about 4 different family members I've been estranged from for sporadic periods of time, and most of it just has to do with alienation in the midst of negative life circumstances. Now, it's all about boundaries, and cultivation of what matters. 

I used to work really hard to keep family connections going. I am the queen of the check in or "pulse checks" to reach out. I will send birthday texts, sometimes cards, and just want people to know I'm thinking of them. I recently had dinner with a good friend and we went over some serious family hurdles, and I think they are just more and more indications of a "coming of age," type thing.

My husband and I get a lot of crap for moving far away. But what people, especially family members, fail to understand is that physical proximity doesn't necessarily increase the quality or even quantity of family time spent together. We have cousins that live 35 minutes away and we see them, maybe once every 3 months, maybe. We've flown across the country and have been unable to visit family whose town we were 10 minutes away from, all because of their lack of reciprocation of our reaching out to see them.

Family stuff is insanely delicate too, but in all of my personal work, growth and transitions I have learned that not only are boundaries completely okay, but completely necessary. In the process of being honest with myself about how bad and traumatic things have been for the past handful of years, I've had to tell my immediately and extended family, "Hey, I'm not really a horrible piece of shit, I've just been having a horrible piece of shit time and haven't handled it well." I've pissed a lot of people off, but that's par for the course anymore.

I've had to out myself as truly not being able to afford flying all over and staying for long periods of time on vacations. We don't have the means for all that. I've had to admit that things were not as the cutesy posts on Social Media made them seem, or as bland as I made them sound. I've had to be really open, which has been a struggle for me.

I think the worst part is you want your family to just rally behind you and say, "Oh my goodness, how can I help?" However, the reality is, they all have their own stuff and are in differently places than you are so, expectations are usually moreover disheartening. 

My friend said some seriously insightful things about how when they moved away it was implied that since they moved it was their responsibility to come back and visit. I felt that, hell I still feel it, hardcore. She also said that she had to have someone point out that when you get married and have children, that's your family that you are responsible for. So if the other extended family members are making your hubby, children and especially yourself miserable, why go out of your way for them? That one hit me like a ton of bricks.

Don't get me wrong, we have family that goes above and beyond for us, over and over and over. It's not unnoticed or unappreciated. There are others that when you reach out to, may not respond as you'd hoped, and this has been my struggle and my wake-up call. As I've had to apply to friendships over and over and over again, I've now started applying to family members the boundaries to keep me less anxious in these relationships. I can't make anyone respond the way I wish, not even my own family.

I wish people would come visit us and see Luna's world. We finally have a real bed, real guest room, real house to welcome guests. I wish people wanted to dine at the restaurant where my husband has just been promoted. I wish people wanted to come enjoy our company. I've invited many a person with many kinds of circumstances and guess what? That's literally all I can do.

I can't make anyone appreciate what we've overcome to get where we are. I can't make anyone appreciate my husband's talents and hard work. I can't make anyone appreciate my ridiculously awesome child in her own element. I can just open my door, and open my heart to anyone who wants to come around.

With that said, when we do visit, I refuse to break the bank and I refuse to sacrifice my family's and my own personal comfort, just to be a team player. I've done that too much. I've eaten whatever has been served to me, whether I like it or not, and seriously suffered, all to not be called "a snob" because I married a chef. I've endured discussions that make me uncomfortable or feel unwelcome, all to remain neutral and not be "the bitch."

Call it growth, call it aging, call it adulting, I'm okay with being the bitch if you aren't respectful of my parenting, my health and comfort, and my family. I've been through enough lately than to willingly tolerate hurtful things from people who don't contribute to my realm. And that isn't meant to be read as, "If you don't buy my kid presents, I don't have to deal with you," please. What I mean to say is, if you don't call and check in on my household and make the effort to be a real part of things, even in the smallest ways that you personally have the capacity for, and then are hurtful to my family on top of it, I feel like you've given me no reason to perpetuate the relationship. Why constantly be alone in my efforts? I've done enough by myself and now I want to rebuild my immediate family life with togetherness.

I've been awakened to a lot of things I've put up with as "norms" that don't have to be that way. I'm working on so much within myself, my marriage and my family that I just can't bear the put downs or even blind ignorance. Boundaries are very trendy, and I'm all in.

Family stuff is immensely difficult. It's easy to say this, to write this and to idealize it but putting it into action is hard and emotionally exhausting. It is definitely a step closer to peaceful living, or so I've discovered. And remember, family is family and maybe someone is going through their own stuff and needs your support. You can reach out with no expectations and keep an open heart always, just don't lose yourself in the process, or at least give it your best effort not to.

That's Pinteresting!

Funny story; I have a mom friend and just about 3 years ago she says to me, "I found this new website called Pin-interest! It has so many ideas for the birthday party!" I said sweetly, "Pinterest. It's called Pinterest." Her enthusiasm was right on, even if the pronunciation was off.

All women know Pinterest. This is factual. Nine years ago I tried to get my husband on board and he instantly became pissed off because he could only see pictures of the food, but not recipes. Let's just say Pinterest has come a LONG way. My husband still is not a fan.

As part of my social media break you might think I would avoid Pinterest, but you would be so wrong. I can spend hours on there, mostly because I'm a quote hoarder. I LOVE movie quotes, music quotes, motivational quotes, and little sayings. I'm considering starting to use some as writing prompts for fictional pieces, but sometimes they just get in there and stick. 

While I've noticed my reader numbers are a bit lower (so thank you for those who have stuck with me) I've been enjoying my time away from Facebook and Instagram. I'm still unsure as to when I will reemerge, so I've definitely turned towards Pinterest.

I stopped filling my boards and pins with furniture, clothing, and "things" I'll never have, but mostly just collect all of these quotes. So today we'll walk through a little bit of what has been on my radar.

Part of my social media siesta is getting back to myself. I've disclosed bit by bit it's been a rough run. Sometimes I look in the mirror with judgment and anger, with disappointment and frustration, but without social media influencing my anxieties, I want to keep reminding myself, I've been through some crap but I'm still here.

It's a hard sell, some days, but a good affirmation. I can always visit my board if I need a visual reminder.

This one I've been meditating on A LOT. I've recently lost touch with someone I'd considered a great friend and support. Maybe I can't even say lost touch, but I have two messages unanswered and even a note via snail mail unrecognized, so I'm kinda assuming this is a ghosting type thing? I'm in "hope for the best, prepare for the worst mode." I've just been rationalizing that, I was super great as a friend and will never give up on them, but if they have timed out on that friendship, I just need to let it float on. My coping mechanism is just daily reminders and a lot of just wishing them well with good vibes in the universe because what else is there?

This is also part of the social media stuff. There is a double-edged sword feeling for me when it comes to being able to "check in" on people or be "checked in" on by others. My best friend called me out as "Stalker-y" because I got into that Instagram feature where you can see who viewed your story, almost like a different form of a "like."

I went through a weird phase where being "liked" in that way but not acknowledged in life was mental torture. Then I transformed my perspective into a kind of, this maybe is a person's way of "checking in on you," without having a conversation for x,y,z reasons. But I kind of hit my limit and just decided to breathe deeply and take a long walk towards some peace.

Staying low key is like a superpower. Also, side note, one of my few, but largest issues with Pinterest, is the spelling errors. Low key is two words people. Two.

This one is undeniably true right now; intensely so. I work so hard on cultivating my wants and needs and sometimes the universe saying no is inadvertently a yes in the end. Isn't that Pinteresting?!?

I could do this all day and post 1,000 memes with 5,000 reactions. For me, it is a great distraction and allows me to have necessary reflection points. Sometimes I find those words that I just needed to read in the perfect moment. Sometimes I revisit all the things I've "pinned" and a month ago I was feeling the same and saved something that I needed today. It's a weird kind of new age diary, in a way.

Pinterest also has secret boards where you don't have to share everything with anyone who "follows" you, which I like. I have all kinds of secret nerdy tattoo dreams saved on there and I love them.

Some of my boards are literally things that I know I'm not organized or talented enough for accomplishing well, but a girl can dream! I think that's the fun part, is the dreaming. I stay away from dream trip boards, only because for me personally, it could become a daunting or depressing thing later but some people take their boards very seriously.

I have a few friends I send random pins and memes to, but other than that the whole chatting thing is pretty minimal. I really could spend hours lost and pinning away, especially if I have an upcoming project.

It's so funny when you take a step back you realize how much time you've spent feeding into other sources instead of yourself. Sometimes it can feel almost horrifying, other times perhaps it's sobering. I'm still fresh into the game but I'm feeling more and more positive in confirming this is just what I needed. I definitely wish people were still checking the blog often but my sanity is more important than my advertising.

Please feel free to message or comment suggestions! I'm open to them all! Happy Tuesday readers!

There's Only So Much You Can Do, And That's Okay

I've always been a social person and now am owning that I'm an introverted extrovert. For as long as I can remember, people have been comfortable talking to me and discussing all the things. It's not that I don't care, I really care about the people in my tribe, but sometimes when we tell each other stuff, I wonder what I'm expected to do with it all.

This isn't a complaint about when you say, "How are you?," and then a friend just completely unloads on you because you're a trusted third party. This is about when someone tells you something that just leaves you feeling like, "What am I actually supposed to do with that information? Is this a cry for help? Should I jump in and give advice?" What do you do?

My closest friends who are well versed in my mental battles usually do a check in, like asking if I can mentally handle some heavy conversations or deep advice sessions or just hear all the complaints, but I think some acquaintances of mine just decided to tell me all the things and it's like leaving someone with a bag of money and walking away...what do I do? Do I share it? Do I keep it to myself?

I work hard on protecting mine and anyone's privacy and not being too gossipy but we all love to talk and share. It's human. I also like to be a good listener and be someone that people feel comfortable around but there are weird lines anymore, and they are often anything but black and white.

This goes along with boundaries and finding where I can be okay around certain things, and were I have to be more self preserving. I've been very aware and very cautious about things on social media platforms because they often welcome responses I'm not equipped for and if I'm giving full disclosure here, the darkness I'm just coming out of is still fresh, real and not completely revealed. I'm healing more and more but it's a struggle nonetheless.

There are certain people you do open up to and talk about anything from gross and weird to what is normal and everything in between so this definitely has nothing to do with that type of thing, but rather it's more of a revelation lately about my personal energy and how it is affected.

Last year I'd taken a step back in being actively pursuant of certain relationships where I felt very much like I was misunderstood and left the interactions feeling inferior. I think some people wanted me to be more grown than I was in that moment or more able to deal with what they were putting down in front of me and I just couldn't, so it left me feeling crappy.

From these interactions came two important things: I realized I need to stand up for my feelings more, and it's also super okay to only be able to do what I can. What I mean is, when a friend of mine is inadvertently compromising my mental capacity, it's MY job to tell them, so they can understand. I can't expect someone to just figure it out. And also, considering what we all have going on that we aren't sharing with people, sometimes there is only so much you can do. Life, and relationships, no matter how simple or complicated, are a tricky business.

I've been overly sensitive to this lately. If I feel pushed in a negative way or just plain not considered by someone, I completely step back. If I feel judged or misunderstood, I withdraw. I feel like when you're in a life state in flux, coming out of trauma and darkness, it's all extremely delicate. The people who saw you in the trauma and now coming out have a better view of the evolution, but those who know nothing of your battles easily judge your now and your then, instead of the journey.

One day I want to be able to write and reveal about my journey and be capable to handle all forms of reaction, but I'm definitely not there yet. For now I just strive to be real about how I handle what is put in front of me, no matter how confusing.

I have a friend that I met in a family crisis. She tried to help and was kind but I would never say we really know each other. We've shared some social events and time with our children but aren't close. She came to me during a rough time and asked for help, and in an attempt to be a good Christian person, I totally let down my walls and gave her a hand.

It wasn't a negative experience but it was a stressful and awkward one. She wasn't telling me the whole story, and she didn't have to, but it made things difficult. As she has shared snippets of the entire story, it just left me more confused wondering what do I make of all this? I had to let it go and be okay with the fact that I tried to give her what she needed and I can only do that and leave it there.

I'm not a person that gives up on people or just ghosts them. I've never just decided "I'm so done with you; you're gone." However, I have become more cautious and stopped perpetuating relationships I'm unsure of and just let them fall as they should. This isn't to say, "If I don't text you and we don't hang out, I don't care," but rather I'm learning which relationships I'm carrying and putting more effort into, than the opposing party.

Friendships are just as difficult as romantic relationships and after I had my daughter I became very timid and afraid to talk to certain people for fear of being judged because of our life circumstances and parenting choices. As things became worse in my home life, I began to struggle with the fact that everyone knew me as one way, pre-baby, and because I was struggling so much, I wasn't much of that person anymore.

Losing yourself in the hardships of life is so difficult and heart-breaking. Making a comeback is even more-so. You want to just tell everyone exactly how it was, but there's so much fear, shame and guilt so you can easily withdraw. I've realized now when people end up just opening a proverbial can of worms upon me, that it's better I tell them, "I'm unsure of the best response or how to help," than to just hide and avoid the awkwardness. I try to respond respectfully but am often left in the mental limbo of wondering what exactly to do.

Sometimes these situations and questions can mess me up for awhile, but more and more I just keep reminding myself, there's only so much I can do, and that's completely okay. When I see friends post about struggles I just try and open the door to let them know that I can hear them if they need an ear. And whatever they say I do my best to be open, but most often the best I can offer is just acknowledging the struggle and wishing they weren't in that situation or maybe say a few prayers for them.

It's been a rough realization but it is completely okay to be able to only do so much. We are overextended in every way these days, and we can't fix each other and take care of ourselves. We have to find the balance between self preservation and being a supportive friend as those lines are completely hazy.

For today I can just own that I do my very best to be a good friend in any situation, no matter how awkward. For tomorrow it will be more of the same.

All The Lessons, All The Tools

I did an Instagram post the other night because I was frustrated and sad and wanted to express that without whining or being ungrateful, but needed a bit of a "vent session." I've been working diligently on being more apt to "roll with the punches." I most identify with the idea that I'm "Anxious Alison," and planning and changing planning can be seriously difficult for me. Sometimes I can thrive in the chaos and keep the steady hand, other times I'm one second away from just screaming into my pillowcase. It can be quite a ride.

Last year during some chaos where self care had fallen to the wayside, I was miserable and mentally collapsing, I decided to take control and use my favorite coping mechanism, working out, to it's fullest advantage. For the first time in 5 years I joined a gym and went back to Spin classes. When I started I was averaging 4 spin classes a week and 3 days of boot camp. Then as things at home became worse I was adding in more double workouts to try and keep myself steady and balanced in the mayhem.

This year, because of budgeting, adulting and the gym losing instructors and messing with schedules, I had to get rid of the gym membership. Sad day. Now plenty of friends have said, "Gyms are only like $10 a month just go here, there and so and so." Yeah I need my classes, I work best in that environment and, we have zero extra money so, gotta do what ya gotta do.

A neighbor friend had a membership at the same gym and wanted a buddy to keep her in spin so she said we could go every Tuesday. I was psyched. This was the pick me up I needed and it wouldn't kill me to be slightly social and get to know her better. Welp, this happened all of one week before things changed and that was no longer an option. So, back to relying on me, myself and I.

This morning I am happy to report that after texting hubby at 8PM last night that "I'm running tomorrow whether I want to or not," I got my butt outta bed and ran 2 miles, and I feel frigging amazing. No, this isn't just endorphins or some weird runners high.

I realized something. Everything always goes back to the lessons and tools I learned over a decade ago in my therapy. Little things are bigger things in the grand spectrum and I need to work on some little things. Last week I really sucked at self care; this week, it has been tantamount to my success and I shall explain.

Last week I stayed up too late for no reason. Texting, watching re-runs of the same shows I've been watching for years, stressing about all the things I needed to do and worrying about things I could never control. I was tossing and turning about fading friendships, reaching out, not reaching out, drawing boundaries, not drawing boundaries, and things that make me unsettled. Last week I was exhausted, I didn't eat right, and I was cranky.

Now, self care looks different for everyone. For me, it is early bedtimes and new, healthy routines. I've been WAY better at adjusting things with less mental stress and not allowing my routines to "manage" me. I've been very attentive to when I need to be more gentle with myself. This week I asked my husband to meal prep some things for me this week and he did. This week I have been asleep by 9 every night and up by 5 every morning. And last night I started something, a new hope-to-be habit, that is LONG over-due.

Last night, with a cup of Sleepy Time tea and a tucked in kiddo one room away, I read for twenty minutes before bed, and it was a book I've been trying to read since December, but keep getting distracted and taken away from it. Not only did it help me get sleepy, but I felt so awesome investing that small amount of time into myself, and something for just me and my tired brain.

On another note, and this will bring the point around here eventually, at Church they started this experimental biblical reflection-type thing and instead of being lackluster, lazy and scoffing, I said "yes" and jumped in head first. Again with rolling with the punches, quickly it didn't work out as planned and I was left with one mentor and ally, a favorite mom within the church in fact, as someone to kind of check in with from time to time, instead of a small group atmosphere as intended.

The first week was okay; I liked the general spirit (pun intended) of what the exercises exemplified but things got heavy, fast. Instead of exploration it became homework. I reached out to a couple people a few times but, this was clearly meant to be group discussion with personal reflection and notating. It wasn't making me happy, or more plainly, it was "not sparking joy," if we need to conform to pop culture references. So I took a step back and thought, "Okay, so I put my best foot forward and handled the fallout of plans really well, and I tried to maintain this solo with some individual outreach but I'm definitely not hitting the target so then why am I stressing about something that I'm getting nothing out of?" EXACTLY!

It all came back to self care, lessons, and tools from what felt like I learned forever ago. This isn't to say I'm done with "church stuff;" this isn't to say I'm done trying new things. But I'm definitely learning my boundaries of saying "yes and no." And this includes saying yes and no to myself, and to others.

You may be thinking, okay, the gym isn't exactly a luxury and who doesn't make time to read a damn book? ME! The gym IS a luxury for me and I've disclosed previously as a writer, I'm the worst reader ever. And it dawned on me as to why I revert to some coping mechanisms so easily and why shaking things up can be daunting, so here we go:

My dad was a routine-driven dude. At 7AM he'd be planning dinner and every night that was in the dining room at the table at 6PM. When my mom left, in all the craze and turmoil, my dad gave up the dining room table nonsense and we used to live it up, eating in the "TV Room." We'd watch the Simpsons together, Friends, Will and Grace, Mad About You, Ellen, Cheers re-runs, Seinfeld, X-Files, Full House, and so on and so forth, all while eating dinner together. This became my favorite thing ever because instead of wallowing in the changes, we would just enjoy each other's company and lose ourselves in the plot lines and worlds of the characters on a screen.

And last night I realized that when I feel so out of control, so tired and beaten down by life and schedules, anxiety and depression, and at odds with my world, I re-watch Friends for the thousandth time and absorb the drama. I re-watch the Office and can't believe how oblivious Michael Scott is. I stay up late laughing at Seinfeld and remembering how many times that show was so right on and ahead of it's time. Because that's my version of "comfort food."

And while I love books and can devour a good series with the best of them, it's just not my go to for trying times. But the change in routine yesterday, although ever so slight, was just what the doctor ordered. It allowed me to effectively wind down and was calm and quiet. It let me read WITHOUT distraction, and distraction is my seemingly my forte.

Between the read and the run, I'm looking forward to tonight and my morning runs from here on out. I'm happy I'm back to "normal" bed times and not stressing over schedules, projects and things I can't force myself into. I'm discovering new peace. I didn't realize how volatile things have been, until this peace feeling came over me, and I must say, I just love it, and am more and more grateful for it. 

All the lessons, all the tools, I know them and I have them at my disposal, ready to use. It's easy to embrace the lazy and not do all the things. It's far more rewarding to get off your butt and get things done! Or, so I feel it is lately!

Hipster Coffee Spot Lunch Blogging

I changed it up this week. I've actually made many changes recently. Many. At work my days have been filled with steady work. Most often it is routinely more quiet. So I've got less time to blog from the company desktop and by the time I get home I'm usually just scrambling to get it together for things in general, let alone to take time to write. But I challenged myself to every day this year, here I am, almost 2 months strong!

Although I miss my lunch walks, the coffee and sometimes muffin lunch is a wonderful pick me up. It's cliche and oh so very Oregonian of me to find all inspiration in a "coffee house" scene but here I am, typing among the customers.

Here's what I know. This week has resulted in some serious maturity strides for me. I'm more and more accepting of all of my mistakes, flaws, anxieties and difficulties and am feeling lighter. Maybe not when it comes to the fitness area, but there will always be time to lose weight. 

This week I was more honest with myself and it allowed me to be honest with the people I care most about. Some of this came in the form of deep, rough conversations. Some came from not bothering people even though I wanted to and some came from stopping anxiety in its tracks, or not feeding into conversations and activities that just made me feel not great.

I prayed more this week; mostly for the happiness and success of others. I put out all the positive vibes and sifted through any negativity to better have a grip on reality. Life is tough. It's annoying. There are hurdles and frustrations. Plans change. People can be abrasive, rude, unthinking and selfish. So what? I've been not so great too.

I'm embracing all the cliches. I do live "one day at a time." Bad moment? "This too shall pass."

A few weeks ago I was just wobbly, which I decided was  mostly stable but ready to fall. And then I cultivated some wonderful, wonderful moments and just took on the "power of now."

I've checked in with the people I lost track of. I've "let go" a little of the people I was imposing on a bit too much. I've cried a lot. I've accepted some new challenges, physical, and mental. I've been kinder to myself.

This isn't some "born again," "new year, new me" entry. But yesterday my growth and stability was celebrated. And I kind of want to bask in that a little bit.

I've been painted as controlling for most of my life. I've been drowned in disappointments and collapsed by changed plans and expectations. Bogged down by "the rules," I've had to let a lot of that go and it's been a positive experience. 

I'm less wobbly and more...floaty? Does that work? I'm sustaining. And that's more than I can say or have said about myself in a long time. I'm not even sure I'll last one more day or one more week feeling this...sustainable thing but I just want to try and enjoy it.

This week has been busy. Next week is more of the same. I've had a rough 2 and 3/4 years...if you want the real truth, I've had a rough 6 and a half years, which I'm just starting to talk about and come to terms with. So much of that is the beauty of life. We continue. We prevail.

I've been in my own way and caused myself extra hurt and turmoil and I don't want to do that anymore. I've made not great choices and countless mistakes. I want to make better choices and lower that mistake count. I don't want everything to hinge on other people, but sometimes we need to hold others accountable. I'm seeking the balances. I want to be a good friend as much as I want to be treated well by my friends.

I really just want everyone I care about, to be happy. Not Hallmark Card, Disney "happy," just...sustainable and copacetic I guess. Well, if they want to be Hallmark Card Disney happy, I'll support them but may be slightly skeptical. Will there be random bursts of song? 

I won't pretend that with this outlook and methodology there aren't casualties. I'm not as text-friendly lately. Social media stuff has taken a huge hit. I'm much more Instagram-friendly than Facebook anymore. I'm more private and selective when it comes to who knows what about certain aspects of my life. And I'm much less tolerable of mistreatment. If I don't like how you're treating me, I'll tell you, like it or not. I'm not always mean about it, but I'm working on being more assertive.

So here I am, another blog down, with a much better life attitude than I've had in awhile. I'm feeling lighter, sustainable and in tune with myself. Old habits die hard. I won't pretend slip-ups and bad days won't happen, but I can tell you I'm better equipped to let them affect me less. I hope someone reads this and feels better about their mental struggle. Feel free to reach out to me at any time! Happy Friday Eve you all!

I Am A Serial Plant Killer

I just finished devouring all of The Ted Bundy Tapes on Netflix and while, as an American, I'm naturally intrigued by serial killers and love crime drama type things, it has brought to light my own issues, which include my penchant for killing plants. I am a serial killer...of plants.

This isn't a malicious thing. I don't hunt and attack the plants. But if you give me a plant to water and care for, I will kill it. I mean, come and look at my yard. I'm the complete opposite of any kind of green thumb at all. I'm the black thumb...black death.

My problem is, I don't really care about plants, and again it's not like I want to purposefully hurt them, they just aren't on my radar. I keep my dog and my kid alive and healthy. The same just cannot be said for plants.

I haven't been given many plants, but I inevitably kill them all. I have at least a dozen that have met their demise under my care. I do okay with a bouquet of flowers but those are eventually supposed to die so I feel no remorse there. In the past few years though, I have received too many plants that have not survived me.

After the car accident people gave us a few "Our thoughts are with you" types of plants. These were simple grocery store or Lowe's garden section plants. Nothing impressive really, but they barely lasted a week. I forget to water. Or I over-water, or they get no air or sunlight. They are neglected. Even outdoor plants get neglected. Why water them? Ever heard of rain?

It was about a year and a half ago when we had a house warming that a church friend gave me a "mother-in-law" or snake plant type thing and said, "Don't worry, this thing is actually hard to kill." This one lasted the longest of any plant that I have received but I did, eventually, kill it. I think it was able to live with me about 7 months. Never would I claim that this plant thrived.

I even consciously wanted to keep that damned plant alive with no luck! The plants hate me, we just do not get along.

And now for my daughter's birthday my cousin got her something super cool, interactive and thoughtful...succulents. I think we may have already lost one or two. I've replanted with proper soil and am watering, sunning and trying, but I have made no promises to these plants. I fear the worst.

I watch other people who love plants and I'm in awe. I feel like I lack that capacity to adore and care for plant life. I can match outfits, arrange, organize, file, clean, type, write, even sew, but things involving plants are just not my forte. If it were up to me, we wouldn't even have a yard, just a huge screened enclosure with firepit, grill, and hot tub. Not kidding.

I love nature. I was raised in nature and with a deep respect for nature and it seems I may be one of the only people in my entire family who has no interest in caring for plant life and keeping it happy and alive. I have seriously and serially killed all plants that have come into contact with me. I may not be Bundy-style deranged and psychopathic but these poor plants have never even seen it coming!

Perhaps I'm too focused on my own personal growth!

"It's Really Liberating Saying 'No' To Sh*t You Hate," And Other Discomforts

I'm sitting on my newly revamped porch area with my pug all bundled up on a windy winter Florida day while my little one is at a neighbor's. And before I do all the obligatory cleaning I decided to put on some vinyls, make some lavender tea and blog it up.

When I'm in times of deepest turmoil, I always revisit a series of some kind that also seems to be dramatic and rife with human pain and emotion. Or I join the hype of a show that was the coolest 5 years ago and finally understand what people are talking about. Last year I watched the HBO gem "Girls." While my mom talks about her distaste for Lena Dunham, I actually loved watching that series and quickly took to her writing and her character.

Not only was she a middle-sized, big mouthed writer, much like myself, but she really had to go through some crazy growth within that show and I liked watching the journey. To this day one of my favorite quotes she says is, "Ya know it's really liberating saying "No" to shit you hate so I'll just be over here, livin' my truth." I've recently started embracing the whole, "saying no to shit you hate," stuff and she has a point.

I feel like we are constantly under pressure to do more so we feel so very obligated to do so on a regular basis. So, we say yes to things that are inconvenient or challenging. Now, to be clear, saying yes to things that get you out of your comfort zone and into finding new friends is something I advocate, but being pushed into doing things you dislike or that make you stressed, miserable and dreading the situation, I don't see the point of that. So I've stopped that whole charade as much as I possibly can. 

This isn't to say I don't show up for my kid, either. Of course I go to the birthday parties I don't really want to, the school events that makes me roll my eyes, and all of those type of things but when you're asking me to do something I really have a distaste for I think you know your answer. 

I hit a wall last year mentally and opened my eyes to something important about myself; there's only so much controlled chaos I can handle. I stress out about planning things or being at the mercy of others plans. It's not a simple thing for me. With the right notice, I can properly psych myself up for certain events but when you put all of your energy into setting up for something, based on someone else's request and the idea that you were "needed" only to have then become completely unnecessary it can make you feel really frustrated. 

When I was already dealing with personal chaos, putting myself into social chaos just became too much. So unless I could accept the variables of how an event could go, I started to say no. And it was indeed personally liberating.

There are millions of memes going around about toxic this, toxic that and self care. I'm a quote hoarder, meaning I hoard quotes and sayings on my Pinterest boards non stop for inspiration or because they hit me in some way that I feel they are worth holding onto. I started realizing that not only was it okay to say no from time to time; it was very necessary. 

And it's not even all about stuff I hate but cultivating what helped me grow. When I'm in a bad place mentally I find the people who I can vent to and who will complain with me as cheerleaders, which can feel supportive but also keep me in a darker zone. When I'm focusing on growth and positive change, I find the people who are constructively there for support and don't get bogged down with the "have nots," but instead with the "haves." Concentrating on what we don't have instead of appreciating what we do, is a downward spiral in my opinion and personal experience.

As mentioned many times before, when you're coming off of years of "rough terrain" in life and finally seeing potholes filled and traffic cleared with more green lights ahead, you can see things more clearly, or so I feel I can at least. So I'm able to reflect on the progress and how far I've come.

It's hard to feel like you're "letting down" people when you say no, but then there is a feeling of redemption in it too. I used to just go do all the things whether I could really afford them or not and then lose sleep because I overspent or, now I have to cut back and redo this all for one night out. And this was because "Well they invited me and it's rude to say no." Or I'd decide all the ways I might deserve the night out as a justification. It just amplified my anxieties. 

It took me a long, hard year. I had to take a huge step back from and identify the triggers. And I learned to carry less and just shoulder what I could. So when I couldn't afford it, I said so. I said "nope, I can't, sorry," and it felt weirdly awesome. If it was something I knew would make me mentally or socially uncomfortable, I said "no," but if it was something new and exciting or a chance to better get to know people, I jumped in.

There's a fine line. It's different for everyone. I'm not saying you have to say no to shit you hate. Some people hate working out but we definitely all need it for our health in some way, shape or form. I'm saying, let's not do the things that take away from your "okayness." When I was already not okay and I kept putting myself out there for event and party and gathering and everything without taking a single moment to reboot, I was very much not okay. So I had to find my boundaries.

It's not been easy, but I found ways to make it work for me and I write this to encourage any reader to do the same. Maybe this isn't a "mom" post technically but instead is just a general shout out to those feeling wobbly. Feeling wobbly sucks because it's hard. You just want to get your bearings. But finding your footing is liberating. And finding your own personal triumphs of "yes" and "no" can be freeing. 

So for this Sunday, I said no to some stuff, and I'm saying yes to anyone who wants to discuss this more. You may comment and email me or anything. You can always say no though, hence the post.