Boundary Bound

I don't know why it's so difficult. Perhaps for some it's completely simple. For me, boundaries are tough. I don't believe that I disrespect the boundaries of others, but rather have the most difficult time making and enforcing my own.

It's almost October of 2019 and I think that I can safely dub 2019 as Alison's year of bounding towards boundaries. There are many helpful quotes and memes about boundaries, and these are often the posts I make on Instagram when struggling:

Fixing others has become less and less of a priority. Two years ago I reset my focus to just us three and started being completely honest about how we were working, trying and healing and anything that was a deterrent needed to go.

The saying no stuff? This has been infinitely more difficult. My biggest triumph was saying no to volunteering situations that made me stressed, unfulfilled and anxious. Now I have to learn to say no to negativity, and to not giving into the whims of others. Which leads us to "It's not my job to take responsibility for others." I am responsible for my daughter, my husband, my dog and myself. As far as the rest of you, you're on your own, I'm afraid.

Not having to anticipate the needs for others? If there was an award for worst at this, I might just win. I overthink what others might think and overthink to ready myself for all reactions, rationales and in-actions of others. Most of it is a weird self-preservation thing but mostly I just want to be "ready" for how others could affect me. I had an evening this past week where I didn't anticipate what a scenario could morph into and it hit me like a ton of bricks emotionally. This is all something I need more work on.

Nobody has to agree with me. I can actually agree with that. I don't feel the need that we all agree but I do still seek validation from people who have invalidated me in the past. This one is a struggle but a workable situation and it's something that I've paid close attention to.

The being responsible for my own happiness? I see the multifaceted-ness of that and it leaves it open for interpretation in my mind. The concept of happiness is a dangerous one to me. I think you're responsible for being mindful and present in your world and that is how you create calm and comfort, call it happy or not. I think some goal to be "happy" is slightly unrealistic because the ups and downs of life make us resilient, keep us growing and are also a huge part of healing trauma. This one is my least favorite on the list so far.

I have a right to my own feelings. Ughhhhh. I suck at this one too. You know I actually had to have my therapist tell me, I'm ALLOWED to feel what I feel? I recently listened to someone pour out their feelings to me and just took it all in because I had so loved knowing that I was allowed to feel things and I wanted to pass that on to someone else.

I have a right to express my needs honestly. This one is also a huge personal struggle because, especially as a woman we get the crap end of the stick I feel. A right to express my needs; well we all have a RIGHT to expression here in 'Murica. A right to express my feelings honestly? I mean I may have that right but how well received would it actually be? That would be my main concern. You can say what you need all the time, doesn't mean you'll be heard. 

Lastly, "I am enough." I think everyone struggles with that one, honestly. Enough of what, exactly? Boundaries are rough and so is that feeling of being "enough" in any sense. We build these walls in one way or another and then often can't see through them or even over the top. 

Being enough is probably an entire series of entries. We have some days where we feel enough and others where we feel inferior, less than and barely put together. Putting up boundaries is healthy but often easier said than done. When I work with boundaries, I always feel so happy when they serve me but immediately feel defeat if I don't get them to turn out as I'd hoped. There's a learning curve and a constant balancing act. 

I know I'm bound to figure out these boundaries someday. Sometimes I feel like I need many, many more and I'm bounded by being boundary-less! Other days I'm so ready to be the bountiful boundary woman with super boundary powers! I just hope it gets easier as I handle this whole adulting thing. Regardless, the blog will be full of reports all about it I'm sure!

Quotes, Notes And Being In The Same Boats

I am a self -proclaimed "quote hoarder." My attachment to Instagram is 90% quote and affirmation related. I have notebooks in storage just filled. Why? Quotes are a great pick me up. Ironically I'd heard a story about someone during world suicide awareness week and in reference to people's struggle with suicidal thoughts it was mentioned that maybe Social Media was a negative influence and when we are down we don't need to find the next inspirational quote but look to higher powers.

While I appreciate the sentiment, I'm the opposite. When I'm in the worst mood or head-space, I look to the perfect quote, perfect song lyric or perfect phrase to support where I am mentally and to give me a perspective on it. Notes come along the same lines in terms of, sending a note or positive affirmation when you're having a bad day might in turn shape someone else's day into something better.

As far as being in the same boat or boats for cutesy rhyming title reasons, I think that feeling as though you're not alone and adrift is kind of important. Yesterday was a Monday of a Monday. Not only did I "party" hard on Sunday with calories and all things meant for Saturdays in retrospect, but effectively reminded myself of my age, and that my body is slightly delicate. Yesterday I was just off my game. 

My entire household stayed up too late Sunday pretending it wouldn't matter. My daughter and I suffered the most and just ended the day fragile and in a funk. Yesterday instead of having a shorter attention span in my exhaustion, however, I was able to channel some soft maternal instincts and be a serious mother.

When I picked up my little one I could tell she was down a peg. She's not sick but her allergies are killing her. We have a regimen to combat it but when she started feeling better, we got lazy and she had a bit of a revisit from the snots and sinus stuff. Yesterday I said, "Okay let's forget the normal rules and get you to just chill."

We made some agreements on how the night would go. I let some of the rules slide and she did pretty well. When I got her to communicate properly her anxiety about being assigned "new jobs" in class tomorrow was part of the issue, but also just needed a good night's sleep and some medicine to help with her feeling a little off. I was able to keep my calm in my hangry, sleepy state.

Okay I lost it once when she tried to get sour cream and then Nutella on my sheets. EW! I said go clean up and keep your face off my linens! Kids are gross!

There was a weird sense of comfort knowing we were both in the same boat. She was anxious about school. I was anxious about life. I literally admitted to myself yesterday that I had extended myself out to people and was in over my head, like, I was not equipped to handle their drama.

Last night and today I have been saving and pinning and noting all the quotes. Some are silly. Some are inspirational, and some are ironic. I've posted in excess on Instagram because I'm sorting things out with all of my coping mechanisms. Sometimes I feel like in this age of technology my emotions and rationalizations are a vision board of all the feels. Anxiety makes me feel scattered and all over, but if I can collect my thoughts into one succinct sentence, maybe I can re-frame them into something pretty? Like a collage!? 

I also build scenarios for the reactions of others. I go over how conversations may or may not play out. Yes, it is exhausting being inside my head. This is why I work out. I physically tire out my body so my mind gets shut off as my body hits "sleep mode" at bed time. Ridiculous but true.

I feel comforted with quotes. I feel comfort with being in the same boat or boats with like-minded people. With the quotes, I feel it's a reminder that someone, somewhere felt that too, and now you have the words to put the feelings down on paper. With the boats I just feel like not being alone is always a good thing to remember, I mean the planet is packed. Alone alone would be quite an achievement, but finding commonality is crucial.

Sometimes when I see my daughter acting too much like me, it can be cringe-worthy but last night being in the same tired, whiny boat with her made me more compassionate and considerate, which I really held close to my heart. Being able to turn it out and "be a mom," is not something I do with confidence, so when it happens I kind of want to do a happy dance. Ironically yesterday I did find an awesome quote about how moms need to take care of themselves, how moms need self care because kiddos need them, so maybe that quote did the work necessary to carry me through.

As I'm rounding out all the ideas for this installment of the blog, I would want to leave this idea with my readers; we all have our own coping mechanisms for when we are going through mentally stressful times. We all have our own triggers, so what works for you, let work FOR you. Maybe all my posting will have people asking "What is she doing?" Maybe people will just think "She's probably sorting things out." Maybe people won't even notice. For now, for me, for this day and this time and this mentality that I'm operating within, the quotes, the notes and the being in same boats are all pushing me through process. Find what's yours and keep working!

Don't Let Your Photos Fool Yourself

I haven been slowly getting back into my blogging groove and today was feeling it a bit more, when something funny happened. I don't have the TimeHop thingy but in Facebook the only thing I enjoy anymore is the "on this day" memories thing. Mostly it's cute dog and kid pictures, but sometimes there are good motivational things on there. 

Today something popped up and it is blog-worthy. This photo came up from 2 years ago of my good old boot camp days:

I looked at it nostalgically and then looked at it again and was like, oh I must have been doing Savage Races then or working out a lot, I look really skinny! And then I looked at the date. In August of 2017, mentally, physically, spiritually and in all walks of life I was completely miserable and very unhealthy. I remember having some things to look forward to but my health was horrible.

I even looked back into my google photos and every other picture of me, I look heavier, frumpy even because I was indulging in unhealthy habits like drinking too much, too often, not eating enough or eating junk at every chance, only working out 3 days a week and mentally I was completely falling apart, desperate to hold it together.

Ironically this morning I woke up excited to hit the gym. I was excited it was Wednesday with only a couple more work days to power through. I was having a great week. So to prove how deceiving a good picture can be I did a work bathroom selfie below:

Here's what two things I will bring up that are important. Some people might say, it's the same except I'm not in workout clothes. Let me tell you what I see in picture two, and remember that we are our own worst critics so some of this will be me, not being nice to myself and some of it may come across as way too narcissistic, just go with it for now.

In that first picture I'm forcing a 6AM smile, probably sucking it in. In today's picture I'm being the poster girl for Old Navy and rocking an outfit I LOVE. I have felt very thick lately but have also completely re-vamped my workout routine and schedule and am working hard on what matters to me. I don't hate my body today. I love my body today.

In that first pic, I hated my body. How do I know this? Because I was treating every part of it like garbage two years ago. I remember being so upset two years ago but putting on my happy face daily. Every day was "if I can get to x,y,z I'll be okay. I'd had a ridiculous summer of selfishness and mental anguish and was trying to snap out of it. 

Today, I realize how much my body has done for me. I'm so thankful for not being on thyroid meds even though I've been struggling with some of the health stuff that comes along with keeping it natural over here. I'm thankful that I take the stairs every day and that I'm strong enough to feel sore when I push my limits. I'm thankful for every curve. I'd rather be thick and living my life happy, than be 30 pounds lighter afraid to eat a cupcake.

It's so easy to let any and all pictures fool yourself. I don't care if it's jealousy of others or of past versions of yourself. It's easy to forget what was really happening at those times when we just see the smiling snapshot. 

While I love that Facebook and google keep these memories for us, I'm always met with mixed feelings as to what they mean. I can usually recall what vague posts were about. I can usually remember what was going on around a picture or status update. Some of them are fantastic memories. Some of them are not so much. 

Don't let the photos fool you into thinking that what you have now is necessarily bad. Maybe you are going through a dark patch. Maybe things for you are just shitty but I urge you to try and snap a selfie, even if it's not a smiley pretty one. You'll revisit it later and think "oh yeah, I'm glad I let myself feel and be real in that moment," I think. 

I'm glad I have pictures of me looking great and looking not so awesome, why? Because that's ME. I'm glad I have pictures OF ME BEING ME, whether I was in a good place or not because it's all part of the journey. Today I'm glad I wanted to small and show off my budget fashions. Today I'm glad that this post came pouring out of me and I feel triumphant and free. 

You'll look over thousands of photos but don't be fooled by them, be inspired. There was some silly rom-com I loved, I think it was called "Just Married," and there is a line in there I always liked about how, you never see pictures of the bad times, just the good but the bad times are what gets you the stories and memories you need between the photos. Keep that idea close on this Wednesday and remember that everything is temporary. It's just one day at a time!