The Truths I've Come To Know, Love And Accept About Myself

In my reflection lately, and coming after some kudos in therapy and in other relationships, I've realized some fundamental, unapologetic truths about myself. I feel they are share-able.

I've watched someone I considered a good friend crash and burn, manipulate, lie and create this entire life that now has produced a victim not a villain. Rather than call out the haters (which happened to me and didn't make much of a difference other than that I had a distaste for the person who did it to me that has never really rebounded), I just have stopped feeding into it. I can listen when reached out to needing an open ear but I don't ask to hear the drama.

I feel like it's a Little Shop of Horrors kind of moment where if Seymour wouldn't have fed the Audrey II blood to begin with, it wouldn't have started eating people. So if I don't sit there and welcome the complaints, hatred, self-loathing and bitterness, I'm not feeding into the anxious frenzy and making it worse. Or so I tell myself as I'm sorting this all out. 

I've also begun asking myself, quite often, how much of all of this is even my responsibility? Technically I'm responsible for my daughter, my husband, the dog and myself. How much more outside of that should I be taking on?

As an anxious depressive I've realized that my relationships that I carry beside me mirror the current circumstance of my life. So when I was an angry flailing mess, I was around people who wanted to go out and distract me from that. When I was sad and done and feeling cornered, I was around friends who had survived or overcome worse, or at least had experienced similar. When I was ready to take things back, I stuck by people with similar goals who wanted progress and introspection.

There are parts of me that are grieving some of the friend losses. They have just kind of faded into the background as though, if I haven't put in the effort the relationship is no longer there and I have my moments of "missing them." I say missing them because isn't there an age old adage of, "How can I miss you if you never leave?" I miss the ideas of what I thought we had going.

Mostly I've taken to pinning some things on my Pinterest boards and just finding other ways of coping and distraction that are less destructive than prior versions of myself. I've been watching new series, reading a lot and getting plenty of rest. I've also been investing in a better relationship with my family, which seems to be working out pretty well.

I've learned that if it's too stressful, I just don't need it. There are some parts of life that are going to be stressful, no matter what, and that's just par for the course. However, there are some parts of life that add stress because of my reactions to them. No more. I now am strong in boundaries. Some of them will seem stupid, but they are mine.

My first example would be volunteering; I used to love to volunteer, but somewhere along the line it got stressful, filled me with anxiety and made me not able to serve well because I was miserable. I carried that weight, hid it well and powered through saying it was just a funk. It turns out I was denying that I cannot willingly walk into chaos and properly serve. It doesn't work for me. Taking that step back was huge for me, because I'm very into the "obligatory" and usually end up "shoulding" all over myself. Not anymore. 

I also refuse to chase after people and be the train conductor of all the relationships. The friends I have kept within my tribe are the ones that may get busy with life, parenthood, family, spouses, work and all the things, but still take the time to say, "Hey I miss you, wanna hang out?" To me, this is everything. The distinction is clear now. This has been a struggle for me, but now I see the line much more easily.

My job is fantastic and I'm finally in a place of STEADY growth and healing. I have my panic moments of "Don't mess it up!" But, mostly I just want to keep on keeping on. The peace that has finally come, and that we have been able to maintain and communicate around is not something I'm remotely willing to sacrifice and I love being able to type that.

Make no mistake, I am not miss "happy-go-lucky everything is fine now." That girl has long since resigned in shame. I am, "Hey, we are communicating and moving steadily in shared directions, with shared goals, and bossing up mentally, financially, and as a family and let's just keep the momentum and take everything as it comes." It's not a bad place to be comparatively. 

As per my post yesterday, I definitely have a rough few weeks ahead, but last night I did what I could and slayed my extra chores. I got dinner on the table and bathed the kid. We talked about random things and read some chapter book and had mommy-daughter cuddles. I was asleep by 9 and it was heaven. We can do this. I can do this!

Even an elder millennial is all about "my" truth or "our truths," right? Well my truths are this: I'm flawed and I've made crap choices, especially in the heat of my life in disarray and denial of what I really had in front of me. I'm stubborn, an introverted extrovert, I struggle with anxiety, depression, exhaustion and needing extra forms of breaks. I get overwhelmed and defensive easily and literally think my child is the best kid in this universe. I'm also a great friend, genuinely well-intentioned, and tenacious to the point of obnoxious in some cases when it comes to making sure people feel seen, heard and relevant.

I'm still learning and taking in everything that comes with all these things. I'm still progressing and very much in the midst of the process, but I like that I'm awake, aware and always Alison about it all. And if you're not such a fan, I get it, but I have no bad feelings about you growing your own way either, in fact I'm totally supportive of that even if it means I can't be there to cheer you on!

Supportive Spousal Responsibilities Suck...Sometimes

One of the things I discovered early on in marriage is that being a supportive spouse goes a long way, especially when you might disagree with a choice but it's what your significant other wants, so you push to make it happen. This has been a huge struggle for me during motherhood.

When it's just you and your man, you can be all in, ride or die. When you have a kiddo to consider, things can get complicated; fast. I've felt cornered a lot in the last 5 years because some of those spousal support moments have come with doubt, anger and feelings of not having a choice but to sigh and say, "Okay babe." There have been times I KNEW, with every fiber of my being, it was a bad, inconvenient, and unfair choice, but I just let him go forward because he wanted it. And to me, marriage is just supporting each other, unconditionally.

I also have refrained from the "Told ya so," moments. Trust me, I've wanted to scream it from the roof tops, but I'm a firm believer in all things are a learning experience so, I try to keep my negativity curbed as much as possible. I'm currently in a moment where, I don't believe current circumstances to be a bad choice, I just realize that it's not an easy one, if you will.

My husband is Mr. Hospitality. I mean this as he has worked his entire career in the Restaurant industry from the delivery guy to the dish pit to upper management. After all kinds of unnecessary drama, today is the day he will be prompted to step into the realm of head chef at a local and well known French Bistro. 

On the one hand, I'm ridiculously proud of him. I get really angry sometimes, and sad that some parts of our extended family don't appreciate how hard he worked and how much talent he has. He legitimately is self taught or found amazing mentors. but has been the driving force behind many restaurant successes. He has often been mistreated in the wake of those restaurants thriving, in my defensive, wifely and biased opinion. I'm not getting that vibe this time in this situation, but from personal experience I know this can be a nasty business. 

I will admit that this was literally not part of the current plan, not even remotely, and throws us a wrench. But, as a famous movie said, "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!" 

I had literally every emotion all at once yesterday and had to get myself together. All the plans I was hinging on, even for today, were completely derailed. I did what I do best, and started cleaning things, the things I was told to leave for my husband today, on his day off, which he is now working on. Then I had to talk to the kiddo.

My husband and I have no talent at communicating at opportune moments. We blurt things at each other instead of have some calm, round table discussion. In the midst of mentally armoring ourselves the for the battle before us, our daughter picked up on some of the emotions flying about. She pulled me aside and said, "Mom, why are you and dad being so weird? Daddy was kinda rude to me and you guys are acting weird."

I leveled with her and said, "Daddy is just going through some job stuff. It's good stuff but plans are going to change and it's a little stressful. But I'm here. So you have me and that's all you need to worry about." She then proceeded to do a bunch of chores, unprompted, last night including straightening up the living room, hanging up blankets, putting toys away, and making the house smell nice. She's the best and I will brag about her to the point of being annoying.

We're in for a rough run; I'm being completely honest with myself about that. Hubby will be working extra and doing an overhaul in the wake of everything and I just have to kick butt at home and keep going to work and grabbing the little one at the end of the day. I can't make plans because I have no idea when he will be around and don't want to miss any family time opportunities. They could be few and far between for a minimum of 5 weeks, if not more. 

We've been working pretty hard on being better communicators as significant others. We've been generally kinder towards each other and our biggest fear that comes with this huge accomplishment for him is just worrying about the weight of what it will do to our progress. It's delicate right now, and we're freshly feeling better about each other so we don't want to mess anything up. I think that's the most accurate way I can describe it. 

This also isn't my first rodeo. I've been here many times in our marriage. Hospitality industry job transitions are super clunky and stressful. It's just part of that career. For me, it never gets easier, I just learn how to adjust my expectations and be more realistic about what is in front of me. Call it growth but right now, all I can do is support whatever he needs. If that means, not asking him to take on extra chores or to put away laundry, that's okay.

I told him that, yes, this isn't ideal for timing. This isn't a long term goal met earlier to great surprise. This is a new challenge and a whole new thing for us all. He will do well. He will thrive because this is what he does best, but that's not to say that some days won't be much better than others.

There was a part of me that wanted to play, "Oh woe is me," but that's not productive. I had my pouty moment, and decided to just embrace the good aspects of all of this instead. This learning experience will bring great wisdom and new horizons for him for sure. Sometimes the path to where you should be gets detoured and needs alternate, newer routes. This doesn't mean you won't get to the destination eventually. I can try and be a little more ride or die like the old days and a little less skeptical like the anxious Alison he knows and (hopefully) loves. 

My plan of attack is to just keep everything awesome on the home front and mom like a boss. I'll self care if I can and try to wife it up well enough also to keep him plugging along. It's hard to explain to people how it all works and the effects it can have when your schedule and sense of normalcy gets turned upside down. In most ways this is a positive and exciting thing filled with celebratory moments, but it is a challenge and new set of responsibilities to balance in work and at home for the entire family.

Just because it will be difficult doesn't mean it's not worth it, so I'm going to take it one day at a time and probably overflow my blog with all the ramifications. For this Monday I'm staying positive and counting the blessings. We'll see what happens a week into the newness. Here we go!

Rained Out Beach Plans Mean Overdue Relax Time

I booked a lot of things for this weekend. Today was supposed to be church and beach but we got a crazy thunderstorm that killed off the beach plans. Time to improvise!

This weekend brought waves of feelings of being overwhelmed. Between end of year and teacher appreciation stuff, job hurdles for my husbands, and plans having to be rearranged, things got heavy fast and all I can do is keep trying to stay positive a la "Just keep swimming."

I can only control so much, however I can also only handle so much. What a wonderful line that is. So on a Sunday afternoon, I had a moment where I wanted to diatribe it up and complain. I wanted to write about the struggle in all my exhaustion and vent it all out. But, I decided, why feed into it more?

Sundays are supposed to be a peaceful reboot time and in the midst of the chaos, here I am, still chugging along. My daughter and I are chilling, watching Netflix and embracing a lazy day after the thunderstorms. I had high hopes for a beach day but we can't always get what we want.

I even managed to only dust and do laundry as opposed to scour the house. Weekends are hard, and I don't even mean that sarcastically. Weekends are rough. You try and squeeze so much into so little time and then you realize you have to rally to watch Game of Thrones. It's quite a life.

For now I'm counting my blessings amidst the unknown and embracing as much as I can within my sanity. This week may have some heavy subject matter as I will be divulging all the things. Hang tight readers and enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Busy Saturdays, Borrowed Bathing Suits and Bad Texts

I'm going to be completely real...I'm exhausted from an epic day. We had horseback riding lessons and then a birthday party hosted by some of our most favorite people.

I'm insanely sensitive to new friendships. I very much test the waters, but some people, you just completely mesh with instantly. And those are the friends that hosted the party. There were other friends there and just tons of fun including bouncy slides and a pool.

My daughter's horseback riding instructor said, "You guys are so busy Saturdays!" This is factual. My daughter spent 5 hours swimming and taking pizza slice breaks while mommy indulged in deliciousness of every avenue also.

The highlight was my friend got me to borrow a swimsuit and get in the pool. I told my friend's daughter verbatim, "Miss Ali is not a pool friendly mama." I'm admittedly a horrible, horrible swimmer. To, once again, quote The Princess Bride and Andre The Giant, "I only dog paddle." I can keep myself afloat, that's it. So my daughter knows how to swim, much better than her mother.

Also, I hang out with notoriously "Hot moms." Moms that have tan, gorgeous figures with non-mom boobs or still breastfeeding boobs, and whose only traces of motherhood are cover-able stretch marks or weird new veins, so I'm not one to pool hang and bathing suit up among the glitter-ati. My amazing mom friend has like 50 bathing suits and insisted I get in with her. She tried last year...she failed. I kinda owed her.

So I squeezed myself into a busty one piece and did okay. I was impressed actually, with myself and I got major points from her, so also a win. Going outside of my comfort zone is kinda big and I totally got all in, in more ways than one.

So we meander home. I need a shower. The kid is bathed. I need to do laundry and run the dishwasher. The dog is fed and walked. But I got the bad text.

After a day like today, my ability to rationalize and be less dramatic is completely lowered. With exhaustion comes mania sometimes, whether I like it or not. So my husband sent me a "We need to talk," text after being fishing all day and my mind was quick to hit the negative fast.

We need to talk texts are EVIL! I assume the worse. No one ever texts "We need to talk...because I bought you a new puppy." Or "We need to talk...I want to bring you dinner." That just always has bad juju on it.

After I called him, he calmed me down saying that we just need an adult convo to deal with adult things, but still..ugh, bad texts. I'm currently binge-ing Parks and Rec getting ready to put myself into the shower and wash off the day, whilst fantasizing about food. 

I wish I had some cool, insightful thing to write, but that is not of today. Thank you all for reading and Happy Saturday!

Plan, Arrange, Devise; Family Vacation Itinerary-ing

I feel like I'm planning two years worth of trips right now and all of them all around weddings. We try and make them little vacations because that's our only way to squeeze in time away. I'm the planner, the arranger, the coordinator and adulting has never been so annoying.

Rental car,  AirBnB, Vrbo, flights, staying with friends, staying with family, money, hotels, food, packing, unpacking, time off, days to arrange, Google, Google, Google. It's all planning and no fun make Alison dull and cranky. 

It's so weird to be at this level of adulthood. This is my life now. I fantasize about time away and different trips. One day we will actually choose a vacation that is just ours, instead of centered around visiting...one day.

As an anxious planner, I used to think I was too early on this things. "Oh, that's 6 months away." Now you pay the price, both figuratively and metaphorically if you don't get your shit together and book early. Or so I'm learning. Everything is a work in progress, including my ability to adult.

We went from years of doing nothing and going nowhere but Disney to getting back into social lives again and are now full steam ahead into wedding attendance, flights and finding our comfort zones with travelling. It ain't easy!

I take on a lot because I can handle it and I'm obsessive about arranging. We had one bad trip last year with bad flights, bad bookings, bad rental car stuff and bad hotel drama, topped with a case of food poisoning that made me forever see the light. I am willing to pay extra for comfort and ease, instead of save money but not my sanity. I'm one year away and one more trip out west away from finding a way, I hope, to an actual vacation. 

I'm not an international traveler fantasizer. I spent many great years driving across the country with my dad, but he's not a big city guy so I dream of places he never took me like Chicago, Boston, Austin, and maybe even L.A. I will see all of those places, eventually.

I'm starting to wish everyone would just come visit us. We finally have a real house with a real guest room. We've had some visitors, but we could definitely host some more. Getting away with our little one is an adventure, of course, but my best friend asked if we ever take trips for ourselves and sadly, that was a huge no. Again, maybe someday.

As the planner, by the time I get to the vacation at least, I try to relax, over indulge in coffee and treats and live it up while we're away, but there are usually stressful elements everywhere around me. I'm working on eliminating those, one trip at a time. I've recently just openly embraced that there's only so much I can do, and I paid for some vacation, so I should enjoy it, despite any drama. Some attempts are more fruitful than others.

When we had Disney passes we took like 10 mini-vacations, or "Minnie" vacations, if you will, throughout a year because we were less than 2 hours away. I miss that. You can't have a crap time at Disney, especially since there is always, always, always a family having a worse day than you are there. It's like Murphy's law. For every annoyed moment you have at Disney, there is a family that is spending thousands and having more annoyed moments than you, that always puts it into perspective. This is the sad truth!

I used to be jealous of other people's vacations and adventures as posted on Facebook and Instagram through my aging, I realize everyone just does their vacationing completely different and that's beyond okay. Some people can go to resorts and have a blast. Some people do big skiing trips with family or retreat to island destinations. My favorite trips in my childhood usually involved other family, like cousins, but they always involved road trips with my dad.

I'm finding my way through that now, and figuring out how to translate it to our lives. Last year we drove from Oregon to Napa. We went to one really cool winery for a tour and tasting, enjoyed the town of Napa, and saw two wonderful friends get married. We drove to San Francisco and were tourists for a day. We had fun blasting old tunes in the car. We also went through cool parts of Oregon we'd never appreciated before and I remembered some old travels with my dad in the midst of it all.

This year will be my little's longest car ride of 6 hours to Savannah, again to watch friends get married. Also, we are heading up to PA and NYC. We are mixing family, a friend's wedding and some actual travelling experiences for us. I'm pretty excited for it all and ready to embrace tourist status.

I've considered travelling for Christmas but I love being home too much. We watch Christmas movies all day and have Christmas quiche and mimosas, and my favorite, Christmas nap time. I'm learning my travelling balance and boundaries bit by bit.

To plan, arrange and devise all the things is new levels of adulthood. Some of it is un-fun and obnoxious. Most of it is necessary. Some of vacationing is better than other moments. Getting to the destination is half the battle, but enjoying the destination is the rest. Good company is everything! At least the next few trips will be great for blogging!

Random Teachable Moments In Motherhood

I only recall one teachable moment with my dad. It was when I was 19, had my first official boyfriend, but sadly wasn't the first official asshole I'd dated, and he basically told me that even though he was a bad guy, all of them wouldn't be that way and I must not forget there are still good people out there. That one stuck, and always will.

Other than that, and especially in my adolescence, I don't recall a single moment where my parents took a minute to level with me as a struggling, tiny human. There were no heart to hearts or calm talks of the ways of life. Perhaps I'm not the worst mom after all.

My daughter's school has a daily numbering system for behavior and general good job scoring. On the scale, 1 is bad news, 2 is only slightly better, 3 is par for the course and okay, and then 4 is the best! Yesterday my daughter got a 4, and she expected some serious rewards as her normal day to day is a 3.

With school a few weeks away from ending, we've been pretty lax on the rule front for no screens and evening routines. The kid and I are exhausted and she loves her TV and down time so, whatever, sometimes it's not worth the argument to force her to spend time with me. We still do our day to day catch up time and read books before bed, so I take to chores and let her veg. 

So for her reward, I let her re-watch the shows I have banned in the name of exploration of new stuff, and let her have free reign on the big TV until bed time. When it was definitely bed time, I started the whole "10 minute warning, 5 minute warning," mom thing, always with the disclaimer, "No arguments please!"

I always say "No arguments," with her because my daughter is the master of negotiation. She will either be a natural lawyer or hostage negotiator one day. Everything is a discussion. It's never simple. My biggest struggle is with the interruptions and trying not to stifle her. As women, we naturally get the shit end of the stick when it comes to be talked down to, talked over, or generally made to feel conversationally inferior, if not generally inferior, and as if we have no voice. This feeling is one I don't want to raise my daughter having experienced at home.

There is a patience breaking-point, or lack there-of, where enough is enough. Some things aren't a discussion. So last night when the TV time was done, it was time to get ready for bed and she came in to negotiate with, "But I wanted to watch more, I only watched one episode, I wanted to stay up late, I thought I got a reward for my 4!" All of this can be heard in the whiny 6 year old voice, of course.

When I stopped the discussion it was, "Mom you interrupted me! You're not letting me tell you what I need to say! That's unfair." Finally, crying and crumpling, she climbed onto my bed and said the real deal, the ultimate truth: "Mom, I just get really upset and think it's unfair when I don't get what I want!" I sat back for a second to take this all in. 

My first instinct was to laugh or quote the Princess Bride again: 

But then I thought, okay let's go ahead and be considerate about this. Let's make this a teachable moment. I said, "I'm sorry you're upset, and unfortunately not getting what you want is something that will happen a lot. I know it feels unfair, and some of it is. But, I'm the mom and you're the kid. I'm the grown up and you're not a grown up yet, so you need to follow the instructions and tasks, even if you're upset or you don't like them. And this behavior just proves to me that you can't get what you're asking for, because throwing a fit isn't how you get what you want."

I was impressed with myself because I didn't raise my voice. After she got her teeth brushed and went to the bathroom she came back and asked if we could make time to read books even though earlier she said she didn't want to. Of course I caved on this one because, books are always necessary. I looked at her puffy little face and said, "I'm sorry you're feelings were hurt but I'm really glad you shared your feelings with me and told me about your frustration. You can always tell me how you're feeling."

I do want her to tell me how she feels even if it's not a positive feeling. One time she said, "I hate you, Mom!" And, true to form, I yelled back, "Then that means I'm doing my job as your mom! Go to your room!" Sharing feelings is important and allowing her to feel all the feelings is even more important, in my mothering opinion.

When she told me she got upset when she didn't get what she wanted, I stared at her a second thinking, a more "Alison" comment could not have been made. Hello mini-me! And I'm the kind of person whom, if you tell me no, or that I can't, I'll do it just to spite you. If my husband said, "Yeah there's no way you could run a half marathon," even though I truly have no desire to run 13 miles, I would do it just to prove him wrong. And when people try to say, "No you can't have...", I just work harder to get it because I CAN! Maybe not the best approach, but again, I'm a work in progress.

I hope to instill the proper amount of ferocity within my daughter as well, which seems to be building in there. She sure is a trip, whom I love endlessly. And while I've struggled so much in motherhood, knowing that I can take a step back and be there like this for her, really keeps me hopeful that I won't completely mess her up. I try to resign to just mess her up the correct amount!

Married Musings

Google "marriage memes," I dare you. This came up about halfway through the page. It's not wrong. 

My best friend told me her husband of over a decade says that marriage is likely to consist of a lot of bad years and he wants to conquer those to get to the good ones. I kind of like that idea. No, I LOVE that idea. Why? Because marriage is hard.

Marriage not an easy thing. It can be painful, frustrating, infuriating, defeating and completely stressful.

Princess Bride, in its infinite wisdom, is quoted too often in my marriage. Things can be less romantic and more routine, then turn to rough and real in a moment's notice. It's all a matter of give and take, and communication.

We are 6 weeks away from 10 years of marriage and all I can say is, we've had our fair share of bad times and I'm all for pushing towards the good. Anyone who is married and says they don't have a phase like this might be lying or better yet, inhuman.

Marriage, like childbearing, is a club we all want to be accepted into, but no one tells you how challenging it is once you're in. No one is honest about it, until you're honest about your marriage with everyone else. That's when all the stories come out of the woodwork.

It took me a good 4 years of motherhood and family life rough waters to realize that most relationships have the "Titanic" moment of one person on the door and the other person in the water hanging for dear life. 

We can all admit now, there was room for both of them on that door! Regardless, I digress; marriage is anything but simple and easy. I now understand the growing divorce rate in our country. We often wonder how people make it for so long, and I'm unsure as if anyone has a magic answer, I sure as hell don't. I just know that it takes work from both parties.

Staying hopeful in a marriage, to me, is more important than staying happy. "Happy" can have a million definitions, but hopeful is the real, deep stuff. You're going to be horrible to each other. You're going to hurt each other. These are facts. But when you just want to keep up the good fight at the end of the day, and still annoy just that one other person, I think you're probably doing okay.

I used to find comfort in comedies that made fun of how ridiculous marriage can be and brought some lighthearted moments into it all. I still do, which is why I revisit these in times of high anxiety.

Of course the Friends moment the day after Monica and Chandler's wedding where Chandler fakes wedding photos at another wedding to avoid Monica being upset their photos were lost and Monica opens every gift without him will always live in infamy: 

Compromise at it's best; makes me laugh every time.

Albeit there are cute Lily and Marshall-esque moments: 

    

Those are the moments that get you out of the bad, more often than not. The moments where you stop being cranky at each other and stick with being cute. These are the social media moments people live for.

However, there are also some pretty serious moments when things get real:

We totally embrace and thrive in therapy and I make no apologies for it. I advocate therapy to EVERYONE. Sometimes you just need a little extra help so you can get away from the tension and back to life as a couple. It's like having a mediator to get you away from the same fight, the same dizzy dance and same bad habits, and recenter your views. I'm a fan.

More and more I'm finding as we age separately and as a couple, that we are just not alone in our issues, but no one is talking about it. In some ways, keeping your personal life personal is great, but sometimes it's nice to know the cheese doesn't stand alone.

My balance become being a complainer in general, and learning to cultivate my frustration with my tribe has been such an intense experience. At my worst I was just on a diatribe. At my best, I grew up and started to take control of what I wanted out of my marriage and stopped apologizing and started working towards those goals. It's definitely a work in progress, but it's worth the job!

We are 6 weeks away from celebrating the big 10 together and for the first time, in a long time, I'm feeling beyond hopeful, but excited. As strange as it is to think about the time gone by I'm definitely happy to put some chapters behind us and to continue onward and upward. 

Thanks Michael Scott, we won't!