Tag Team Parenting

Parenting is so difficult. And so very...weird. You have to selflessly maintain this little version of yourself and if you have a partner in doing so, you have to operate as a team so this tiny terrorist doesn't divide and conquer. Parenting is also, completely life altering and amazing.

Since the dawn of time, okay wait, since my daughter's birth my husband and I have worked, lived and learned to operate in opposite land. From infancy on, he would sleep while I was awake breastfeeding. He worked while I stayed with kid. He worked days, I worked nights. This was a point of contention, although now in retrospect, was just a trigger, because people would seemingly pity us for no time together, but not realize that we quickly adapted to the way things needed to be to keep us afloat. It was not a perfect world, but it was what we knew.

There are times when teamwork in parenting kind of sucks. My daughter and I have always had our own routine, our own groove. As much as we love having hubby/daddy around sometimes he definitely throws us off. There are times when we have to be mama bear and that maternal instinct leaves dads in the dust, but we always know best!

There are some days that tag team parenting goes off without a hitch. You will have schedules, decisions, discussions and all operations will go as needed and then it's bedtime and you can rest with your success! Other days it feels like a bike with one busted training wheel just, off. It's constant checks and balances. 

As a hospitality manager, my husband works late mornings through to late nights. As an executive assistant I work an 8 to 5 situation in an office, but let's face it, I'm an on the clock mom non-stop. This isn't to say that as a parent my hubby isn't on the clock non-stop as a dad, but most kids run to mom first. I'm the one woken up with a bad nightmare or a fever or an accident in bed or being sick. Sometimes my husband isn't home yet for that stuff. I'm also the first one up and always make sure that she has everything done and things are in order before bedtime, to better start that early morning.

Last year my husband stepped up hugely and took on full morning duty with the kid. While I'm the last alarm, leaving for work as they just start to move around, he gets her ready, lunch packed, school supplies together, out the door and dropped off, every single school day. He's also emergency pick-up for when traffic messes with me getting her. In change, I'm the bedtime guru. The books, the dinners, the earning TV time, the baths, the laundry and the chores. This to me, is the ultimate tag team parenting. We each do our "shift" and our part.

Our routine is a constant reminder that everyone's routine is just so completely different and what works for each household, is not always meant for us. We've created our own thing. While mostly I appreciate the concern that we don't get enough date nights and family time, I never really enjoy the commentary: "Oh so you don't have much time together then? Oh just one day off? One night a week?" It's innocent enough but triggering at the same time.

It used to be such a point of contention that I got frustrated when people didn't take into consideration the full scope of how opposite our schedules were. Now I understand that most people can't grasp what that's even like because they don't come from the same reality. For me at least, that's easier to wrap my head around. 

I've seen all different kinds of households run in different ways, especially as a nanny. I once had a mom pay me my normal wage for the day to go hiking with her and the kids. I once worked for a mom that waited tables in the restaurant where my husband worked and her husband made glass pipes and bongs in their warehouse on their property and they rarely stocked their kitchen so I'd often bring us both lunches and snacks. 

From my nanny years I definitely learned about all the different kinds of families but you never know parenting until you step into it. It actually does take a village. However over this past year, it has shown me that no matter how uncomfortable or weird it is to tag team every aspect of parenting, it makes all the positive and productive difference in the world. 

You have to discuss sick day coverage and adjustments for kiddo and parents alike. You have to talk about sport schedules, birthday parties, plans and all the routines. You have to make money decisions and even anticipate bigger picture stuff. All the while we're teaching this little human to take their time, do one thing at a time, do this then that and so forth. Completely weird, right?

When I've heard the moms complain about the dads it always sounds like they work too much but aren't home enough. But then they are reminded that the guys are providing for the family so that's to be "expected." Well, yes and no. Expectations are yucky, regardless, but I really think the best and safest expectation is that you'll have to tag team all the parenting stuff, through the best of times, and especially the worst of times.

There will be phases where one parent is the heavy or one may be doing more than the other. There will be phases that feel lonely and unfair but the whole point is to raise the tiny humans, keep them alive, and not mess them up too much, and to do so TOGETHER. Together also doesn't just mean MOM and DAD. It could be two moms, two dads, a mom and uncle, a mom and grandma, a grandma and an aunt, a dad and an uncle. The point is you need to tag-team it and find that definition that works for you.

I think it takes a lot of patience but also attention to recognize how much support is needed to pull off this whole parenting gig. There are mom squads, play dates, family hang outs, church, sports, clubs and so on and so forth and all of it involves one form or another of tag team parenting. 

Even in separation, divorce, old family dynamics and new family dynamics it's all a team effort. So remember that every family, every situation is different and some are recruiting new teammates and some are already full of the players they need. Regardless, appreciate the village, the team and maybe one specific teammate you have by ya to wrangle these crazy children that we've been given the blessing of calling our own. 

Social Media Siesta

It happened again. About once a year, and especially at high anxiety times, I get this overwhelming push to stay away from Facebook and/or Instagram. I can feel it being more negative than positive and pushing me to be upset over really ridiculous things. Yesterday I hit my max.

I haven't had Facebook or Messenger on my phone for probably over a year. I use a desktop to check on Facebook reminder things like birthdays or events like birthday parties or moms nights out and such, but stopped allowing myself into the inevitable time suck that is Facebook.

Instagram is much more palatable for me, but in the messenger feature, you can see if someone has seen a message, and if they don't respond, it can feel pretty defeating. For me, I'd rather have someone scream, berate and cuss at me, than leave me feeling ignored, inferior or all around unworthy of a response.

With my daily blog updates, I was using Instagram and my writing Facebook page to alert followers that the post had been finished. I thought, okay, my readership numbers may decline but I seriously have to do this for my mental health. I gotta say, I'm only a day in, and I've been consistently reminded throughout the day of why it's essential for me to take the step back every so often.

Today I was checking my phone for texts but not looking on social media every 10 minutes to see who was doing what. Why? Because that has been my mental undoing lately, and I'm undoing that undoing if that makes any sense.

When I am feeling, unsure, or extremely stressed, I default to social media avenues, which actually just amplifies all of those feelings for me unfortunately. I know this, but I still do it. Call me pathetic, I don't even mind, because sometimes all this technology takes too much out of me, and gives me little triumph and when the losses outweigh the gains, time to break away.

I'm interested to see how it all plays out. Much like the podcasting, and the new kickboxing gym I will, of course, keep up with my daily blogging no matter what. This is a social media outlet that I have only felt gains with. Speaking of gains, I thought I was doing good with kickboxing but some of my pants are tighter lately so, with no social media stuff I plan on using as much extra time as possible doubling up on workouts.

I think I put too much emphasis on social media measuring your...like-ability if you will, and yes, pun intended. It's like when someone won't return your text but likes your Facebook post you can rationalize, oh well at least they aren't rejecting me on all fronts. 

I have so many great coping mechanisms right now and I plan to employ them fully. I want to color again, craft with my daughter, read way more, and keep finding new series or binge the ones that make me relate more to life and less to escaping it.

I have trips to plan, people to see and things to do. I spent time with a total of 3 amazing mom friends essentially for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and all of them gave me props for growing into myself and embracing being uncomfortable in these transitional times. It felt like the definition of some kind of goddess circle, just ladies in womanhood supporting one another and it just made me kind of say, "The forget all the other stuff."

I then proceeded to cleanse my phone of anything negative and did a social media purge if you will, in terms of just taking apps off of my phone and refocusing. Today we had a birthday party with moms I don't know well. It was the first one in over a year my husband and I attended together. I checked my phone for time more than anything and just hung tight with him and mingled. It was really, really nice. Things are just nice, and simple, and now it's time to live there for a little.

Texting, calling and emailing is the way to go. I'm still obsessing over the interaction or should I clearly state, lack thereof, that kind of kicked me into high gear, but I'm praying on it becoming less and less prevalent. For now I'm just owning my siesta time and plan on enjoying all of it. I'll be posting daily so please subscribe and thank you all again so much! Happy weekend!

Bye Bye Boot Camp; The End Of An Era

On February 1st, 2014 I started my journey with Boot Camp at Bayside. We were living in Westchase and I was, for lack of a better word, overweight. My daughter had just celebrated her 1st birthday and I was ready to get my fitness back.

I used to LOVE the YMCA, and I tried to go back, but unfortunately I had a bad experience with their daycare, and I needed to find something to do when my husband was home. At this time, I was working from home, overnights between 12AM and 6AM. I was usually only scheduled from about 12 to 3 or 4, so I had time before my husband left for work at 10AM or 12PM to make sure I could sneak in a workout before he left or even better, before the baby got up. 

I was super active on Facebook in groups like Westchase Swap and Shop and Westchase Garage Sale, so I started looking for an alternative to some expensive gym with not great class times and someone suggested Boot Camp at Bayside, hosted just over the Oldsmar bridge in wonderful, Safety Harbor. I messaged the person in charge and he said they were having a Saturday workout to come and try it, see if it fits.

So, the day of my daughter's 1st birthday party, I went at 7AM to try it out. I could barely keep up and had multiple wardrobe malfunctions; I was not used to fitness including "mom boobs." I made it through and was invited to come right back on Monday morning at 6:15AM. We took this picture at her party that same afternoon when the soreness was kicking in.

I made it back Monday for a workout called "Island Party" and there was no party about it. I pushed myself, but my trainer eventually cut me off from all the running laps. It was grueling and hard, but the great thing about Boot Camp was it was a workout for every fitness level. You had moms like me, guys that were super athletic and didn't want to deal with the gym, runners, cross-fit fans, and everything in between.

I was a good 50 pounds heavier than when I got pregnant and I'd never been so big. It was time to get to work. It was not an easy 3 month start, but what was great was you started to get to know the people you worked out with too. It was a whole different thing than the gym. I spent the first year of Boot Camp in the 6:15 class and my trainer introduced me to something called, "Savage Race," which I did my first one of just 6 months later. That was so difficult. I barely jogged in between the obstacles and I certainly couldn't do all the obstacles but I got muddy and had fun.

It was also during this time period that an older boot camper heard me talking about working overnight and then coming to boot camp. He said, "You are home all day with the baby, you work from 12AM to 4AM and then come to boot camp at 6:15AM, 3 days a week?" He asked me if my husband could stay home with the baby if I worked during the day shift and said, "We might be able to find you something that works with your schedule," and handed me a business card to a car dealership.

I went in for an interview and was hired; and it was all because of Boot Camp. By the end of 2014, I had a new job, was down at least 30 pounds, had finished one Savage race, was training for another in 2015. I was ready to keep working hard. 

When I got the job at the dealership and decided I wanted to get much stronger, I started going to the 5:15AM Boot Camp class, which was much faster and more dedicated than those in the 6:15AM class. Then I started doing 2 hours of Boot Camp to train for Savage Race, and jog on my days off. I ran 2 Savage Races in 2015, March and October, and the March one was my best because I didn't get super sick after all that exertion, which was good. I sure had cold, muddy fun though!

I was super fit and having a great time, working normal hours and becoming myself again. I started to get to know everyone in my boot camp better. I met a lot of local moms and got to know my trainer to the point where I watched his kiddos from time to time and think he just might consider me a friend. When 2015 ended I was doing great and we had just moved into Safety Harbor, also with the help of Boot Camp, who recruited the Bayside Men's Group to help haul, load and unload. We provided bagels and coffee.

Boot Camp became a staple in my life. It was just always there. And I knew enough people in the group that we would always check in on each other and keep each other motivated. If you missed too many boot camps and weren't on vacation, you'd hear about it. You could be at the store and run into someone asking if you were okay, you could be on Facebook posting funny gym memes, or my favorite, in traffic and a Boot Camper pulls up next to you shouting about where you were that morning. It's a family.

I met most of my closest mom friends in Boot Camp, and in 2016, Boot Camp literally was our saving grace when we got into the car accident. In June 2016, a Wednesday morning after boot camp, and on my way to my job at the dealership, we got into a nasty car accident that put us all into the hospital, 2 out of 3 of us had severe injuries.

My boot camp mom squad and I used to have a morning Facebook group chat with, knew I was always quick to respond to anything. That morning they'd heard nothing from me and they knew something was wrong. One of my boot camp mom friends, and someone who I consider a mentor, beat us to the hospital when I called her to come help. And when my trainer checked in on us, I made a snarky comment about all we need is lots of money, and he took up a boot camp collection the next morning. He also showed up with a bunch of hand me down toys for my kiddo and helped us arrange anything we needed.

My boot camp family got me clothes for the hospital. Boot Campers bought us a new bed for our recovery because our old one wouldn't work. They CLEANED MY FILTHY HOUSE while we were in the hospital. They set up food delivery of casseroles and bought my kiddo toys and projects for her recovery. They donated gift cards, pizza money, spending cash and one mom even stocked my fridge with beer. They checked in often and I can now reveal, you boot campers made my big husband cry because I was so lucky to know you all. We even had a friend mow our lawn every two weeks for 2 months because my husband's shoulder was messed up.

Boot Camp at Bayside has helped me become healthy in more ways than one. And, sadly, Friday is the last day. This is not just for me; two weeks ago my trainer announced that the church no longer wished to host our morning routines and he would be looking into alternatives. While he has other plans in motion, the 5:15AM class days are officially over. 

This hit me really hard because no matter what over the past few years, Boot Camp was just there. It was a kind of "home base" for fitness and friendships. It was insanely affordable, comfortable and you worked out with your friends who were like family. No matter what our personal lives threw at us, we had boot camp. It didn't matter if you gained weight, ate too much, or had a bad week, people would encourage you and push you a little bit more to do better. 

In 2018 I joined another gym in addition to boot camp to get back into cycling and boot camp was still my most consistent routine. When you've been waking up at 4:45 for 4 years, you kind of get used to it. And even with weight fluctuations, I've kept a good 40 pounds off and stayed strong.

 

Closing Boot Camp at Bayside was a depressing announcement and he got a lot of people talking to him about, well what next? For me, it just broke me that the family I had known so well wouldn't congregate anymore. Sure you can always change up a routine, and you won't lose the relationships but Boot Camp is a GREAT workout! And even the workouts of the day I "hate" are still good for me! It's the end of an era!

Friday is my last day of 5:15AM Boot Camp at Bayside with all of my favorite people and I may actually cry. How do you say goodbye to something so simple, that completely changed your life for the better? Boot Camp kicked my butt into losing weight, and got me back into church to meet amazing people and helped me find job opportunities and direct me to where I belong. Boot Camp was my stability and a rock of fitness; always dependable. It will be missed. That may even be an understatement

While I'm super glad my trainer is moving onto new things, there is a part of me that will always be sad that it couldn't last forever but what is that saying, "Nothing good can stay?"

The memories and workouts will always be there, and the friendships will definitely outlast the Boot Camp at Bayside legacy. 

So for my year of 34, it might not have Boot Camp but it certainly has new challenges and positive changes. So Friday morning we will say goodbye to our Boot Campers and close the book on a pretty big fitness chapter. I will definitely be in mourning though, because losing this routine is a huge hit, but if Boot Camp left me with anything, it's the ability to work through it all, especially physically!

Over-parenting, Undermining, Oh My!

Every day I'm worried I'm running out of things to write about and then I think about whatever happened the last 17 hours and I can come up with something. Here goes!

My mom helps me with Luna twice a week. As per previous posts, I don't have the very best relationship with my mom but we manage to get by. My mom and I agree on almost nothing when it comes to parenting and she is very much "Grandma." She dresses her granddaughter, buys her toys and all the things she would never need, and gives her candy and chocolate and junk food no matter what.

One thing she does, and it drives me completely insane, is she parents over me. Let me explain. My daughter interrupts and talks over us constantly. She's 5, and no matter how we spin it, everything is too important to wait. I always ask my daughter to follow directions. Over and over again I ask. "Finish your two tasks, we can talk about that later, one thing at a time." I will literally walk in the door in full parent mode and give my daughter instructions and my mom will give them over me. It sounds like this: Me: "Luna, please clean up the table, calm down and go brush your tee---My mom: "Luna clean this mess up and go brush your teeth!" It's maddening.

There have been rough periods where my husband does the same thing. It makes me shut down. I'm sure I have been guilty of this stuff too, no doubt, but it can feel defeating. When I was a nanny, you can bet I made sure I was the authority figure and I mirror that with parenting as much as possible. But, when I get steamrolled, I get cranky.

It's important for my daughter to know I'm in the mom. The head lady of the house. And when my mom undermines me, it makes me feel 6 again. So I try to overcome!

I also try not to parent other people's children, especially in the presence of the other parent. I try and make everything a dual agreement. Candy? Okay if he can't have it, you can't. Disagreement? How do we go with this? Because parenting is a team effort, even if you do it completely differently.

My husband and I have had some serious differences of opinions and I really had to learn to stand my ground on certain things that I wanted nothing to do with in terms of parenting methodology. With that said, I also don't judge how others parent...okay I try not to judge how others parent as much as possible. I admit I lose my mind when I see children under 7 with caffeinated sodas...I do. If you aren't parenting your child when that child is harming or hurting mine though, an entirely different beast can be awakened. This hasn't really happened to me. Most of the time, I've found myself around like-minded parents and if they see their little one hit mine, we get all of us into a huddle.

One of my closest mom friends, her son has always lashed out physically at my daughter. Never to the point of any real harm but in every case, my daughter has said something or done something to provoke him. That's when the two of us moms laugh and say, "Don't provoke if you don't want him to lash out in his way to communicate and don't expect her to be nice if you always hit her when she is sassy." It's a team effort when both of them are being ridiculous. 

I've only ever had one instance with a "mean kid," where she was playing at our place and I was a room away and I overheard her saying all the reasons why she was better than my daughter. Then my daughter emerged to ask for lunch for them. I asked the guest what she wanted and she proceeded to pick through our pantry and fridge. I said, "Luna wants a turkey sandwich, would you like one too?" This young one then told me she was a picky eater. Turkey sandwiches were disgusting and she wasn't even hungry. She'd eat a slice of cheese.

As my daughter happily inhaled her sandwich and her guest picked at a slice of cheese I said to her, "Every house is different and in this one, we don't talk about how we are better than others, we talk about how we may be a different or enjoy different things. Like Luna loves to color and I like to paint, not necessarily that I'm better than Luna at painting. And when we are offered something to eat that we're not interested in, we say 'no, thank you,' or 'May I have something else?' We don't say something is disgusting just because it's not our favorite. We really use happy and kinder words with each other." The play date got awkward and then better. I regret nothing.

Dana Carvey has an epic stand up routine where he talks about parents now and how we've softened. He alluded to his childhood being filled with his parents yelling "Shut up," or "I'll give you something to cry about!," and now we find parents in the park saying, "Now Gregor, what did we agree to?" The whole bit is funny because it's painfully true. A part of me wanted to scream at this little girl to shut up and not speak to my daughter like that or she doesn't need to play over here anymore. But I had to channel the millennial mom that was calm and rational and very much not my first instinct.

But I truly don't want to undermine anyone's parenting. It's delicate. As someone coming off of 2 really rough years, I can tell you that if someone were to comment to me on my parenting or lack thereof, depending on the situation, I might have lost it, so I try to just be as objective as possible unless it becomes a safety concern for my child. Some situations are harder than others.

With my mom, I can't tell her not to parent over me. It's completely irritating and unnecessary but she would just get offended and pissy. So I just reroute the discussion or distract the kiddo and let her interject her piece. I don't like that undermining feeling because, as a woman, we get the shit end of the stick anyways, but motherhood gives us some ferocity and no nonsense force that we may have never had before.

I saw many moms as I was growing up that I would never mess with. I grew up opposite as my mom was the pushover, and my dad was not to be messed with, but to me, most other moms were scarier than my dad any day! Mom's don't mess around, and that was my general imagery for my stance in motherhood, thus I try to embody it. 

Parenting is delicate, regardless, because there are so many different ways to do everything, but I think my general point to this post is, being undermined as a parent really sucks, so let's not do that to each other. Instead of parenting over one another, I'd ask that any of my mom friends just say, "Hey Luna's being a little crazy" or, "you might want to check in with Luna about how she's acting with..." Because I'd rather be "called out" on not seeing less than amazing behavior, than let Luna treat a friend poorly. Maybe that's just me but I really want to see less "shaming" kinds of things and way more learning experiences. 

So if you see me acting a fool as a mom, or see my kid being out of line, I ask that rather than undermine, you find the time to bring me into the know and help me sort it all out as a fellow parent. It really does take a village so please don't leave me to be the village idiot!