Tag Team Parenting

Parenting is so difficult. And so very...weird. You have to selflessly maintain this little version of yourself and if you have a partner in doing so, you have to operate as a team so this tiny terrorist doesn't divide and conquer. Parenting is also, completely life altering and amazing.

Since the dawn of time, okay wait, since my daughter's birth my husband and I have worked, lived and learned to operate in opposite land. From infancy on, he would sleep while I was awake breastfeeding. He worked while I stayed with kid. He worked days, I worked nights. This was a point of contention, although now in retrospect, was just a trigger, because people would seemingly pity us for no time together, but not realize that we quickly adapted to the way things needed to be to keep us afloat. It was not a perfect world, but it was what we knew.

There are times when teamwork in parenting kind of sucks. My daughter and I have always had our own routine, our own groove. As much as we love having hubby/daddy around sometimes he definitely throws us off. There are times when we have to be mama bear and that maternal instinct leaves dads in the dust, but we always know best!

There are some days that tag team parenting goes off without a hitch. You will have schedules, decisions, discussions and all operations will go as needed and then it's bedtime and you can rest with your success! Other days it feels like a bike with one busted training wheel just, off. It's constant checks and balances. 

As a hospitality manager, my husband works late mornings through to late nights. As an executive assistant I work an 8 to 5 situation in an office, but let's face it, I'm an on the clock mom non-stop. This isn't to say that as a parent my hubby isn't on the clock non-stop as a dad, but most kids run to mom first. I'm the one woken up with a bad nightmare or a fever or an accident in bed or being sick. Sometimes my husband isn't home yet for that stuff. I'm also the first one up and always make sure that she has everything done and things are in order before bedtime, to better start that early morning.

Last year my husband stepped up hugely and took on full morning duty with the kid. While I'm the last alarm, leaving for work as they just start to move around, he gets her ready, lunch packed, school supplies together, out the door and dropped off, every single school day. He's also emergency pick-up for when traffic messes with me getting her. In change, I'm the bedtime guru. The books, the dinners, the earning TV time, the baths, the laundry and the chores. This to me, is the ultimate tag team parenting. We each do our "shift" and our part.

Our routine is a constant reminder that everyone's routine is just so completely different and what works for each household, is not always meant for us. We've created our own thing. While mostly I appreciate the concern that we don't get enough date nights and family time, I never really enjoy the commentary: "Oh so you don't have much time together then? Oh just one day off? One night a week?" It's innocent enough but triggering at the same time.

It used to be such a point of contention that I got frustrated when people didn't take into consideration the full scope of how opposite our schedules were. Now I understand that most people can't grasp what that's even like because they don't come from the same reality. For me at least, that's easier to wrap my head around. 

I've seen all different kinds of households run in different ways, especially as a nanny. I once had a mom pay me my normal wage for the day to go hiking with her and the kids. I once worked for a mom that waited tables in the restaurant where my husband worked and her husband made glass pipes and bongs in their warehouse on their property and they rarely stocked their kitchen so I'd often bring us both lunches and snacks. 

From my nanny years I definitely learned about all the different kinds of families but you never know parenting until you step into it. It actually does take a village. However over this past year, it has shown me that no matter how uncomfortable or weird it is to tag team every aspect of parenting, it makes all the positive and productive difference in the world. 

You have to discuss sick day coverage and adjustments for kiddo and parents alike. You have to talk about sport schedules, birthday parties, plans and all the routines. You have to make money decisions and even anticipate bigger picture stuff. All the while we're teaching this little human to take their time, do one thing at a time, do this then that and so forth. Completely weird, right?

When I've heard the moms complain about the dads it always sounds like they work too much but aren't home enough. But then they are reminded that the guys are providing for the family so that's to be "expected." Well, yes and no. Expectations are yucky, regardless, but I really think the best and safest expectation is that you'll have to tag team all the parenting stuff, through the best of times, and especially the worst of times.

There will be phases where one parent is the heavy or one may be doing more than the other. There will be phases that feel lonely and unfair but the whole point is to raise the tiny humans, keep them alive, and not mess them up too much, and to do so TOGETHER. Together also doesn't just mean MOM and DAD. It could be two moms, two dads, a mom and uncle, a mom and grandma, a grandma and an aunt, a dad and an uncle. The point is you need to tag-team it and find that definition that works for you.

I think it takes a lot of patience but also attention to recognize how much support is needed to pull off this whole parenting gig. There are mom squads, play dates, family hang outs, church, sports, clubs and so on and so forth and all of it involves one form or another of tag team parenting. 

Even in separation, divorce, old family dynamics and new family dynamics it's all a team effort. So remember that every family, every situation is different and some are recruiting new teammates and some are already full of the players they need. Regardless, appreciate the village, the team and maybe one specific teammate you have by ya to wrangle these crazy children that we've been given the blessing of calling our own. 

I Send My Dad A Mother's Day Card Every Year...And Here's Why

I stopped hiding my insanely broken and messed up relationship with my mom a few years ago after I survived living with her for a year. If I had to say anything, and keep it simple about my relationship with her, I'd Facebook cliche it and stamp it, "it's complicated."

My mom wasn't much of a "mom." Mostly I call her by her given name and not "mom." When I was acting a fool when she lived with me, going through some of the most rough years of my life job-wise, marriage wise and in motherhood, the one moment I asked her to have my back, she said no. And that's when I stopped pretending that we were anything besides biologically related, and realized she was just my child's grandma. In turn, I think I've done better since.

My mom was never a comforting force. She was an erratic, hyper ball of fun and dysfunction. She bought me all the crap I wanted until one day, it all disappeared. She was gone for awhile when I was 12. She came back, things got ugly again and then she left until I was 16. By the time I turned 16 she had carved out a decent environment for me to join her in, and I wanted to try the whole having a mom thing again. It failed in exactly 365 days.

My dad had to be both parents a lot. He physically drove from Oregon to Florida to get me to take me back to Oregon to finish high school and live there. He was the parent that was ALWAYS there. So I send him a Mother's Day card every year.

I still acknowledge my mom, but mostly as a Grandma. If I truly laid out the honest horror of my childhood with her, not only would I ruin my ideas for a book, but I'm pretty sure she'd lose her mind and probably slip into dementia to avoid dealing with all the mental massacre. She side-talks and references the damage sarcastically. We've never had a face off; and never will.

When she was living with me at age 32, I reverted right back to exactly 16 years prior at  age 16 of acting out against her and even my husband because things were completely in disarray. Not my finest hour, or year if you will. My dad told me she used to call and email him complaining about me. What did my dad do in my time of turmoil? Pay my therapy bills like when I was 13, all over again.

My dad was the parent who rubbed my tummy and back when I was uncomfortable, held my hair back over the toilet when I was sick and puking with the flu. My dad was the one who made sure I ate three square meals and didn't inhale junk food. My dad was the parent buying Midol, tampons and pads when I needed them. My dad was the one who reached out to my aunt to help me when I needed my first bra. My dad was the one I cried with at movies and when my mom wasn't around.

My mom has admitted she was a mom until I was about 5 or 6 and then mentally checked out until her physical departure in my older years. I don't think I'd ever just blanket statement claim she was a "shit mom." I just think that she wasn't much of a mom in totality.

My mom and I have gone through good phases, but it wasn't until a decade ago that I had to be her rock bottom in more ways than one. After two years of healing and 3 years of growing up in life and in my marriage, when I became pregnant I had to level with myself, "Okay, so your mom wasn't great to you, but you don't get to take her away from your kid. It's up to her whether she wants to be a Grandmother to her grandchild, and as the child ages, up to her what relationship she has with her Grandma." This was a huge step for me.

My mom has been a good Grandma, so we mostly celebrate Mother's Day that way. But I send my dad a Mother's Day card every year. I call my dad on Mother's Day every year.

My dad was just more of a mom. My dad has been my rock, my sounding board and my reliable parent. He officiated my wedding, he was at the birth of my only child and never missed an important milestone in my life. The same just can't be said for my mom, and I've accepted that.

My dad taught me to sew. My dad helped me set up my first bank account and showed me how to write checks and use credit cards. My dad put me through college. My dad bought my wedding dress and helped me pick it out. My dad always encouraged me in times I needed therapy and was struggling. He's the best Mom and Dad ever and will always be celebrated.

As far as stuff with my mom, we just kind of float on. She drives me nuts but at least she's around. Sometimes I wish she wanted to be more of my mom, but as a mother myself, I can at least now see why it wasn't for her, and it makes me feel grateful I pushed past any genetic dispositions to point me in a direction otherwise.

The times I have been the most selfish in my marriage and my parenthood have mirrored much of my childhood, but I refuse to let that dictate the growth of my daughter. I will be her reliable parent like my dad was for me, no matter what. Her dad seems to be on the right track too so she'll be doubly strong!

My mom has the Grandma spoiling thing down. I hear her and my daughter fight just like she did with me. She often mistakenly calls my daughter by my name. And I'm glad she wants to be a good Grandma, because my daughter deserves that. With the upcoming holiday I wish everyone a great Mother's Day weekend, no matter what baggage you're carrying with you around it. 

I encourage everyone to be sensitive, maybe even overly so. This holiday is rough on many people for many, many reasons and needs to be respected and understood for it's complicated triggers. There are many different kinds of moms and this day is just about celebrating them in appreciation of all they do or have done. So enjoy the weekend, self care if and when you need to, and embrace it however you need. Maybe you have a step-mom you celebrate more, maybe you have mom friends you cherish or maybe you too send your dad a mother's day card! Maybe you have a legit mom that moms like a boss and will celebrate with you! Just have a happy, calm Mother's Day!

Social Media Siesta

It happened again. About once a year, and especially at high anxiety times, I get this overwhelming push to stay away from Facebook and/or Instagram. I can feel it being more negative than positive and pushing me to be upset over really ridiculous things. Yesterday I hit my max.

I haven't had Facebook or Messenger on my phone for probably over a year. I use a desktop to check on Facebook reminder things like birthdays or events like birthday parties or moms nights out and such, but stopped allowing myself into the inevitable time suck that is Facebook.

Instagram is much more palatable for me, but in the messenger feature, you can see if someone has seen a message, and if they don't respond, it can feel pretty defeating. For me, I'd rather have someone scream, berate and cuss at me, than leave me feeling ignored, inferior or all around unworthy of a response.

With my daily blog updates, I was using Instagram and my writing Facebook page to alert followers that the post had been finished. I thought, okay, my readership numbers may decline but I seriously have to do this for my mental health. I gotta say, I'm only a day in, and I've been consistently reminded throughout the day of why it's essential for me to take the step back every so often.

Today I was checking my phone for texts but not looking on social media every 10 minutes to see who was doing what. Why? Because that has been my mental undoing lately, and I'm undoing that undoing if that makes any sense.

When I am feeling, unsure, or extremely stressed, I default to social media avenues, which actually just amplifies all of those feelings for me unfortunately. I know this, but I still do it. Call me pathetic, I don't even mind, because sometimes all this technology takes too much out of me, and gives me little triumph and when the losses outweigh the gains, time to break away.

I'm interested to see how it all plays out. Much like the podcasting, and the new kickboxing gym I will, of course, keep up with my daily blogging no matter what. This is a social media outlet that I have only felt gains with. Speaking of gains, I thought I was doing good with kickboxing but some of my pants are tighter lately so, with no social media stuff I plan on using as much extra time as possible doubling up on workouts.

I think I put too much emphasis on social media measuring your...like-ability if you will, and yes, pun intended. It's like when someone won't return your text but likes your Facebook post you can rationalize, oh well at least they aren't rejecting me on all fronts. 

I have so many great coping mechanisms right now and I plan to employ them fully. I want to color again, craft with my daughter, read way more, and keep finding new series or binge the ones that make me relate more to life and less to escaping it.

I have trips to plan, people to see and things to do. I spent time with a total of 3 amazing mom friends essentially for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and all of them gave me props for growing into myself and embracing being uncomfortable in these transitional times. It felt like the definition of some kind of goddess circle, just ladies in womanhood supporting one another and it just made me kind of say, "The forget all the other stuff."

I then proceeded to cleanse my phone of anything negative and did a social media purge if you will, in terms of just taking apps off of my phone and refocusing. Today we had a birthday party with moms I don't know well. It was the first one in over a year my husband and I attended together. I checked my phone for time more than anything and just hung tight with him and mingled. It was really, really nice. Things are just nice, and simple, and now it's time to live there for a little.

Texting, calling and emailing is the way to go. I'm still obsessing over the interaction or should I clearly state, lack thereof, that kind of kicked me into high gear, but I'm praying on it becoming less and less prevalent. For now I'm just owning my siesta time and plan on enjoying all of it. I'll be posting daily so please subscribe and thank you all again so much! Happy weekend!

If I'm Never Asked When I'm Having Another Baby, It Won't Be Soon Enough

I may have referenced this subject in ancient posts, but definitely not recently. And I think it bears repeating. I find it completely crappy and inappropriate when people ask women when they are going to have "another baby," or even "a baby," at all. And here is why:

Much like randomly touching a pregnant woman's belly or telling someone how to birth or raise their child, it's super not okay to put these weird expectations on women. Some women have no desire to have babies, some women cannot have children for various reasons, and some of us just want to live our lives as we have designed them.

"Oh, just the one?" "Really, just one?" "You don't want any more?" When I get these questions my heart begins to cry in my chest, why? You all just have no idea what being a a parent is like...FOR ME. And I stress FOR ME, because everyone has a different experience.

I've come to this place again because recently I found out that two women in my life are having babies, and both of them I thought, had no interest in having babies. And when I found out the blessed news, I felt really badly that I hadn't had a real conversation with them about motherhood and just made my own assumptions. I felt badly that I made assumptions, because similar assumptions have been made about parenthood for me.

This isn't a blog entry to "set the record straight." This is just saying we need to be more compassionate IN GENERAL, but especially in regards to parenting, parenthood, and making babies. Upon further discussion with one of these gorgeous, child-bearing women it became clear that she had kept her journey extremely private, and had an extremely difficult time becoming pregnant. This is not uncommon; I've known many women who have shared this with me, but, it's also very, very delicate.

For me, motherhood has been super tough. A lot of it had to do with working and doing the mothering thing, and a lot had to do with how we've had to arrange schedules and sacrifice to make everything work for our awesome daughter. So when you approach me about when baby number two is coming? Guess what, it's not that simple, and it's not a fair question.

I have two half sisters from my dad's first marriage but was raised in every way, as an only child. It never occurred to me in my youth to ask for a sibling, or that I would ever have one. I just lived my little life.

My daughter has started asking about a brother or sister. I always opt to buy her another dog. We treat the dog as her brother anyway. What's funny is the second child discussion isn't even a closed subject. I mean, anything COULD happen. But again, not an easy question or answer, nor a fair one.

Every single woman, family, and child is completely different and I really wish we could just quit the judgmental assumptions, and this goes for me too. Even small ones are just ridiculous. I remember a close family friend becoming pregnant with her fourth and idolizing her as this super mom that just "must love kids." She then revealed to me she really disliked infancy and infants in general, but loved having kids as a whole. It was sobering to me because I think we are often led to believe that we fall in love with these burping, pooping, milk-draining babies, and just become Martha Stewart in home life, but instead we are mombies, accepting each stage and falling in and out of love with certain aspects of mom life daily. 

The snarky, cynical and mean side of me has not-so-nice responses to that ugly question of "when is the next one," from time to time. But it wasn't until recently that I discovered how much that question negatively affects me. And mostly, my answer just all goes back to that Taylor Swift chorus in her infinite wisdom of, "You don't know, what you don't know."

I feel like in the continuous trend of empowering women, and as I'm raising a fierce little woman, we really need to change our attitude and view of what "should be" part of life in general, and what women "should do." Excuse me but we are laboring under some bullshit expectations, pun intended. 

There was an old episode of Sex and The City that suggested we need to stop "should-ing" all over ourselves. This is still relevant. Sex and The City was actually a series that also handled some of the facets of women and their drive to have kids, or lack there-of, and the complications of all aspects of child-bearing. We need to support each other as people, but especially as women to just do what is right for YOU. 

As Amy Poehler said, "Good for them, but not for me." Make it your mantra! And I think it is every woman's right to design her life as shes fit, share what she wants to, and to not have to answer insensitive questions like, "When are you having a baby, your second baby or your 15th?" Let's take it easy on each other, starting now! On your mark, get set, go!

Checking In And Ghosting - Modern Technological Hurdles

Recently I had a good friend of mine thank me for checking in and checking up on her. I never have the resources to send Edible Arrangements, flowers, or just buy groceries and make casseroles but one thing I can do? Check in.

It's not always or even necessary to have a long conversation but more a way to say "Hey, I'm thinking about you and I'm a text away." In this busy and fast paced world, those little texts can get you through a whirlwind of negativity.

This is one hurdle I've managed to jump over a few times. I have a good friend I've had to discuss this delicately with and I gotta tell you those texts that say "Hey I've been really busy but I just wanted to say hi and wish you a good weekend," keep me smiling during the days when we're not able to catch up.

But I think we get so frustrating because of this whole new "ghosting" thing. To my understanding ghosting is when someone completely drops out of or disappears from contact with you, no explanation but possibly still exists actively on social media. Sometimes I miss the days where if someone didn't call you back, there weren't 8000 avenues to keep tabs on them and you could easily shrug off with a "They must be busy or out." Today our anxious, overthinking minds tend to assume the worst.

To me, the ghosting thing feels hurtful because, I'd rather you tell me in any way shape or form, "I'm not wanting to deal with you right now, but when I can find room for you, I will reach out." Always just say "Hey, I'm busy not ignoring you or not avoiding you." There are too many Pinterest memes to rile us up when we are feeling inferior or "not essential" to the business in friends, family and significant others' lives like "No response is still a response," and "If they want to talk to you, the will make time for you, not excuses," and so on and so forth.

For me, when I "fall off the grid," I don't see text messages because I was messing around on my phone doing something else and then forgot someone text me. Or I'm wanting to answer something and the kid or dog or husband interrupts and 10 hours later I realize I never responded. But I never mean to just stop all contact with people. No matter how small the "check in" is, I make an effort to do so.

I do this, because I would want the same from my friends. These are hard times people. With all the communication and technological advances, we still lose friends and grow apart. The people you used to text every day become an Instagram story or a Facebook update. The people you once planned entire weekend plans with are now posting adventures you could never go with them on, and are living their "best life" with you as a spectator.

Now I wrote recently about being called out as a hater on these types of things but I'll tell you what it is: I was hurt. Often we invest so much time and energy into these relationships of any kind, and when they fizzle, we feel that loss. And it's weird to be grieving someone still alive.

We live in a world where because we're "Facebook Friends" and "Instagram Followers" we "stay in touch." My husband always gives me a hard time about being "a texter." But I like to reach out with a text! You have no idea how many times I text people "Sorry I suck at communication but I love you! Hope you're well," or "Tell me how you are!"

I think I've been successfully ghosted once for about 9 months until the return of "the entity" and once I was "ghosted" or put off for about 2 weeks and then I confronted the issue and we made a peace treaty haha.

I often want to recoil from communication, social media and any kind of social gathering when I'm at my worst with life things. I have a pretty strong guard up when it comes to sharing because you never know how people will receive it and too often I've felt like I finally unloaded my dump truck of life and emotions to only feel that yucky "judgment" feeling from others, or be told how to "better" live my life. It's a hard line to walk.

I check in because I am there for my friends. My family life can often feel wobbly so I have heavily relied on my friends to be my compass. And I put everything into my friendships that I possibly can. And on that note, when you don't hear from me, it has nothing to do with lack of love or lack of desire to have you in my life. It's the opposite for me, if I'm quiet, I just don't know how to handle what's happening to me personally, am unsure how to tell you about it, and afraid that I can't support your friendship well enough, so I fear to let you down. Yes, that is my thought process!

I hope with all the technology, one day we get better with the way we communicate. There is so much heartbreak and anxious, depressive misery with text interpretation or unanswered questions and feelings. Perhaps that's why the "Good morning," "Good night," and "Have a good day," or "I'll be thinking of you," texts just make things so much better and nicer.

So check in this weekend, no not on Facebook, just with each other. Send a silly meme. Text a nice sentence of support. Check in and don't be a ghost. We can haunt people later. Enjoy the weekend readers and thanks again for your feedback!

Birthday Parties...Worth Every Penny If You Don't Have To Clean Up

My daughter is 6 days away from her 6th birthday and this is my infinite wisdom: I will always find the money for a party, because I don't have the energy to host 20 kids in my house or to clean up after it all. Paying for a party is worth every penny, in my humble opinion. 

My friends hosted Luna's 1st Birthday, I miss them all dearly as life has torn us away from each other, but they gave her a perfect Hungry Caterpillar 1st Birthday. We sang to my daughter, and she cried. She also did not like getting messy with the cake. Overall though, complete success. 

Luna's 2nd Birthday had my sister and brother in law fly down here to take her on her first Disney adventure. I was most excited to have the perfect excuse to go to Disney. Luna just wanted to climb on everything. She could care less about the rides. Birthday number 3 had this same theme. We partied at Disney and she had an amazing time.

Birthday number 4 we took my mom to Disney and stayed at an epic resort, but it was stressful. We got rained out our last day and went to the theater to see Moana. That was my favorite part, getting to see Moana.

But 5? The big 5 was the first, real party! Not only did one of our best friends fly in for her actual birthday so the day of her actual birthday she was spoiled rotten, but she had a Doc Mcstuffins themed Bouncy House Birthday Party. I get all of my birthday ideas from a mom who's son is a year older than my daughter and she picks the best places to have parties that aren't over the top. She gave this one a good review so, I followed her lead. So we went to the bouncy house place and they all had a blast. And I didn't have to clean up anything. They even served all the food.

Age 6 happens next week, and it comes with all new demands. It's a My Little Pony birthday at The Bowling Alley. She got to choose 10 kids to invite. On her actual birthday is dinner out, a big event in our household as I'm usually too cheap to go to most restaurants. And then she's been very specific on gifts.

Parties can be stressful. My husband and I have suffered a couple of those class birthday parties where you invite the entire class and we agreed, "Nope, not for us." My mom had me do those types of things and for a couple years, the kids that were most mean to me showed up and faked being nice for most of the party, but then complained at school on Monday about everything the party wasn't. I'm not doing that whole charade, not me. I also refuse to fake being any specific type of mom in public. I'm just me, take it or leave it. The party is about the kid anyway.

For the invite list we insisted it consist of kids that she sees and enjoys on a regular basis, not just school friends. We also trimmed it this year so as not to break the bank. A lot of the list includes parents I know well enough to be able to just enjoy the fun of watching these kids play.

Birthday parties can be so stressful and they shouldn't be. You're celebrating a little person. And we've been to all different kinds of parties, parks, aquariums, at people's homes, at play zones too, and every party is different. I've found that the ones that aren't at some kind of play place or party zone, are often chaotic and exhausting, but you just have to show up and go with the flow.

There's one tradition for parties that I'm not a fan of, and we don't participate in: the group gift opening. What kids want to watch their friend get all the toys? It's not a baby shower with cutesy stuff, it's a bunch of toys from other kids. Every time I've been to a party where we watch the gifts open, I hear like 5 kids screaming, "I have that one too!" Or, "I want one of those! Why can't I have one?" So we collect the presents, thank everyone, pass out the goody bags, and off we go. We let her rip everything to shreds at home and usually send pictures to the parents to show them what a hit it was.

For me, every penny spent where I just show up with a cake and call it a day is worth it. No clean up, no stress. I love it! Last year the worst part was putting together the party bags but I had reinforcements. This year, it's just waiting for the RSVPs to roll in. It's hard to get real head counts because life is so unpredictable with kiddos. 

For those moms that host these adventures in your homes, and make everything, more power to you! You deserve a medal! I don't have the mental capacity to pull that off but I greatly admire anyone who does. I always hope we can just escape to Disney for some family time, but that's just me. Maybe I'll take myself to Disney for my own birthday!

Mom Bods: We Carry More Weight In More Ways Than One

This morning I did the unthinkable. I did something that bothered me to every fiber of my being. Something that I haven't done in over six years. I got on the scale to see what I weighed. Why did I cave into doing something I loathe in this way? Well, yesterday I went to my annual lady check up on a cold Florida morning and they made me get on their scale, and completely clothed, mind you. After obsessively working out with no time to eat too much, of course I expected to drop 20 pounds immediately because I deserved it dammit! Alas, I weighed maybe a pound or two less than last year, which was super disappointing.

So, I tossed and turned, hit the gym this morning and decided, "I can't actually weigh that much because I had on boots and serious layers and I started 2018 very puffy and uncomfortable. I refuse to believe I've made no progress." So I did it and as I suspected, 6 pounds less with no layers and boots. Score! And I looked at that number and realized, I was a good 40 pounds lighter than when I had Luna, but 24 pounds heavier than my skinniest. The best part? Those numbers didn't defeat me. 

Exactly 10 years ago when I was in Oregon, finishing my last semester at University of Oregon (Go Ducks) and finishing my depression and anxiety treatment, fitness was everything to me. In just 2 months in the future, I'd be engaged and then married the day after I graduated college. 

I was friends with a trainer that worked at the U of O fitness complex so between her and weight watchers I ended up trimming down to the absolute most fit I've ever been. I worked really hard because when you're a college student working only part time, you have all the time in the world to eat, but then again to work out also. When I actually looked at weight watchers and saw how many points were assigned to everything, I wanted to become anorexic or bulimic. Luckily I went through way too many years of orthodontia to ruin my teeth so anorexia became way more appealing than pigging out. Who was I kidding though, I didn't have that discipline and I was in love with food. 

I replaced binge-eating and emotional snacking with working out. My last semester at U of O I actually won the Nike Fit Female of the month and was up to 3 workouts some days. When I got married, I was legitimately thin. I was so terrified to put it back on because I LOVE FOOD and also wine and amazing cocktails. I maintained really well our first 2 years in Florida because it is mandatory you have a "beach body." With age and stress, I allowed myself a little more wiggle room until pregnancy and then after a really great first 4 months of growing a person, I just went for it. All I wanted was steak, potatoes, Twizzlers and Chik Fil A and also, if you can't eat like a pig when you're pregnant, when can you?

I got on the scale after Luna was born and there may have been tears over the post baby belly. It took me a year of motherhood until I allowed myself to take much time for me and when I hit boot camp, it was so hard. The first 90 days were the most brutal but I did it. I got down to my thick comfy size after a year. After two years I was in my pre-baby size but on the top of that range too. This past year was about stress and anxiety though.

We'd had a wedding to attend last summer that would be filled with beautiful people and I wanted to be one of  them. I had made grand designs to start in March only to have them completely derailed and halted. Not being able to work out my normal routine and being left with no other options sank me into a pretty bad depression. What helped? Bread and ice cream. Not together, just as my comfort cheats.

Finally I'd had enough. My mom, who has given me enough body issues to sustain multiple lifetimes, was of course on board to watch Luna so I could go workout during the weeknights so I could "start to feel better and fit into real clothes again," as she so lovingly describes my journey and struggle. So, I got a gym membership and went back to full time boot camp. Before I knew it I was working out twice a day again and every time I got angry or sad or anxious, I took it out in spin or on the treadmill. 

I stopped getting on the scale when I started Boot Camp because when I felt better, I noticed my sleep getting more sound and my clothes fitting differently so that was all I needed. I also had a tribe of people who supported me and told me I was looking healthier, happier and different. Working at the car dealership at the time also helped because I was surrounded by a bunch of 45+ old married dudes who loved to make inappropriately strange compliments from time to time; always a nice ego boost.

But I stayed away from that scale. Why? Because when I was younger with way more free time, all I had was time to obsess about food and all the rationalizations of "If I want that I have to work out more to earn it." In my old age I just decided, "Oh I'm having that cake, but just one small piece, not 3 because someone pissed me off today. Someone will piss me off every day, take it out on the elliptical. That's how you have your cake and eat it too mama!" Yes, I literally pep talk myself often. 

Even after the car accident, my stomach, an already super self-conscious area for me because my mom used to pat it and promise I'd "grow out of the baby fat and then be pretty and thin," got so smashed and bruised from the seat belt and impact that today there are little scar type crumples and bumps that I despise. It was hard for me to get really back into working out because I was so sore and swollen and awkward for a couple months. So my patience with my body has since evolved.

With all of the mental stuff that came with that, I just didn't take care of myself. So last year I took it back. Now due to adulting, the gym membership expires next week, however I have multiple back up plans to keep me healthy, but this morning was about my needing that validation that it was paying off. I have a few people who's opinion of my physical appearance I trust undoubtedly past the whole "Uh huh, yeah that matches" type thing, but I think I still needed a little affirmation for myself.

I don't intend to get obsessive about the numbers. I will admit I was a little disappointed, yes, but having the numbers be more already lost than more I need to lose was positive. And I've found that we all have these things about us, these strengths and weaknesses about our own personal imagery. And on these journeys, maybe we post too much about it on Instagram, but these routines for health we've established can sometimes be our saving grace. For me, the gym is a place where nothing else matters but my time to kick butt, everything else can slow down for a minute.

As moms we all carry weight so differently, which is why I hate the scale. I weigh the same as women 2 feet taller than me but it's all in my stomach and thighs, and maybe they carry it in their waist or bust. You never know. And us moms have it worse than you single ladies because our bodies went through uncontrollable changes. Sure we can try to keep everything together but pregnancy and childbirth change our figures forever! My hips can tell you that personally, and my boobs too! I didn't even have boobs before baby! And they still haven't even left me!

Already as moms we feel that pressure to be fit and look good even on the days we feel like a tired old handbag ready to be thrown in the Goodwill pile. I remember this weird feeling after I had Luna where I had to "dress like a mom." What did that even mean? I mean I had shirts with weird band logos and swear words. I guess I shouldn't show up to the park in those but did I need an Ann Taylor credit card? How does one dress like a mom? I still don't know.

We all have our own style and ways for ever facet of motherhood, especially how we carry our physical and emotional weight. Mom Bods carry it all, both figuratively and physically, so be gentle on each other, and be gentle on ourselves. It's progress over perfection and the last cliche of today is, the only workout you regret, is the one you didn't do! You got this mamas! WE got this! See you in the gym!

"It's Not Even Worth It To Take Time For Myself" - Another Mom and Me Too

I literally was having an Instagram Messenger conversation with another mom and we were talking about a meme she posted about being too tired to do things and commiserating with one another. I've written about this subject on multiple occasions, but it bears further discussion in my opinion.

I usually feel like, not only is it frowned upon, but it's not even worth it to take time for myself. It has been my personal experience that whenever I indulge in some "Treat Yo Self" time, I come home to something worse than when I left. If I go get a massage, which happens once a year at best, I'll come home to some crazy mess. If I get a manicure or pedicure, hubby gets a migraine and I'm stressed about finishing the cleaning he couldn't. Sometimes I think it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I suck at relaxing in general. I could most likely easily be diagnosed with ADD but I just feel like there is always something I need to be getting done. And I always have a million little projects on the Pinterest board of my mind! So when I get "me time," I either immediately have some weird form of "buyers" remorse or feel like I pay for it in other ways later.

For me, "me time" usually involves a workout because that isn't selfish it's self care, right? But now we see all these other self care methods like, face masks, manicures, pedicures and of course the Parks and Recreation spearheaded movement of "Treat Yo Self" which is just an excuse to buy a bunch of stuff you want for yourself. Man, I wish I could pull that off without feeling so badly about it right after.

In the grander scheme I do genuinely feel like taking time for myself isn't worth it. I don't know what it's like to be bored anymore and any time for just me to indulge in any "me" ways could be much better spent cleaning something or making some kind of progress of some kind. I often fantasize about what I would do with a day off with no plans. My husband immediately taunts me that it could never happen for me so it's an impossible dream. I over-plan and schedule everything.

Sometimes I wonder if there were no alarms and no responsibilities or obligations for a whole weekend, just how long I could sleep. And I think as moms we are tired because we constantly fear it's not worth taking time for ourselves, so we just keep running and running. We stay up late to watch too much TV, to eat what sugar and treats our kids can't have, and to do things without interruption. We get up early to beat the kids to stuff so we can get a head start on productivity. And we constantly rearrange everything to make sure everyone and everything else comes before we do. 

It can feel insanely thankless at times. You think of all these things you do and then people ask, "How do you do it all?" And the answer is you don't. We are our worst critics and we always feel we fall short. For instance, I have a clean house, a good job, and we finally have affordable health, dental and vision insurance and aren't up to our ears in debt. But I'm not involved in Luna's school like at all, and also, her one extra-curricular activity is on Saturday mornings and that's it. 

So again, it's not even worth taking any more time for myself than the gym because we have so much else going on. We do socially childless things maybe twice a month and I even try to keep us home as much as possible for chill and reboot time. 

I will admit during a crappy personal time I went through a selfish phase and was out too much and just on my own agenda and everything in my home life suffered, and I did too. But still, it pains me that most mothers feel this way. They feel like taking time for themselves just makes everything else worse and if they do they really won't be able to keep up or make up for it. I think the worst part of those feelings is, they are partially true.

We will never gain the lost time back. If we take a night to binge-watch Netflix and miss a sporting tournament or activity, we never get it back and we miss kid moments. If we don't wake up at 5AM and workout, we never get that workout back. In some senses, the whole "there's always tomorrow" thing is a bunch of crap that we can't even afford to buy into because, tomorrow will open a whole new kind of busy!

There will be more chores tomorrow, more mess, more dishes and more stress when we could just do it today. My husband gives me such a hard time about not leaving things until the morning. I always say I can sleep better just knowing it's done, which is true. I hate dreading a chore or list of things to get done, when I could have made some progress or done what I could the night before. It's a "blurse," a blessing and a curse.

My thoughts are this: let's strive to find even 5 minutes to ourselves for anything. Five minutes alone with a cup of coffee, a book, a couple songs or a walk! We can build from there and maybe learn how to give ourselves a little more time, and then feel it's worth it! Moms feel plenty of "unworthyness" feelings from all over, but some time for ourselves is not only okay but, we DESERVE IT. 

I won't wax on about it being "necessary," but I will speak from experience that it is helpful. A few minutes that are my own can completely turn around my mood and in turn, my entire day. So figure out ways to "Treat Yo Self," for just you, and no one else. Mine is a cup of fancy coffee on my way to work from my favorite coffee shop and then walking the dog alone a couple times a week. Feel free to post yours and share your self care methods. I want to know you're taking time for yourself because you're worth it. It's worth it. We are all worth it! Make that your mantra!